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The hardest day of my life!

Posted by on Jul. 12, 2013 at 2:21 PM
  • 19 Replies

My name is Sandra, i joined this site because I felt I needed a different kind of support. On Jan 16th, I found out I was pregnant with my 1st child and my fiances 4th. This was definately a shock, my fiance was out of work and not long after I lost my job. I was very nervous about the pregnancy and how we would take care of the baby. As time passed, I however became excited about being a mother. In April, we went to the doctor and found we were having a girl. My parents were excited because she would be their first (and only) granddaughter, the kids werent so happy, they wanted another brother as there were already 2 girls, but they grew to love her. Every month I would go to the doctor, always nervous what if they were not able to find her heartbeat or something happened, but each month I was able to hear her strong heartbeat and could breathe a sigh of relief, our baby was doing well and growing so fast.  My may appointment was no different, I had the same fear, but I got to hear her heartbeat  again. I made my next appointment which would include the test for diabetes. My mother in law and I went to the doctor, I drank the nasty stuff and was waiting for the hour to pass so they could draw my blood, during this time, the doctor wanted to check for Logan's heartbeat.... This time my fear came true, he was unable to find her heartbeat, so I was immediately sent for an ultrasound, for which I had to wait an hour because the woman had gone to lunch. She came back and did the ultrasound, I could see red and blue on the screen, I asked what that was, she told me it was blood flowing, I asked if this was a good thing, thinking it was our daughters, she would not answer, thinking she did not hear me I asked again, she finally answered, while she was crying, that she did not think so. The baby was not moving, and her back was too me. So after this terrible news, I met with the doctor again for him to confirm that she is stillborn, I was almost 7 months pregnant at this point, the doctor said they would have to induce me to get the baby out, that she probably had been passed away since right after my may appointment. So we left the doctor, I made phone calls to tell my family the bad news, went through crying and angry spells, blamed myself for the passing of our baby. Then I went to my fiances work to tell him the bad news, he was so shocked that I had to repeat myself because he thought he misunderstood. He told me to call the doctor and have them get a room ready at the local hospital to begin inducing labor. The doctor had said it might take a couple days since I was so early that they would have to trick my body into going into labor. However, I had her the next day, June 12th, she weighed 12 ounces, 9.5 inches long. My fiance had just walked out of the room to make a phone call when I had her, he regrets not being there. We had her cremated and had a service for her on fathers day. This is without a doubt the hardest, I have ever been through or will ever go through, it makes me nervous about getting pregnant again, for fear this will happen again. We have gotten some of the results back from some of the tests and everything is negative, so far it looks like this was just an accident, there were no disorders or any blood diseases that have caused this, I may never know what caused this to happen, I have been working so hard not to blame myself for losing her. I know one thing, I pray that noone ever has to experience this especially those I love and am really close too. Sorry this is so long, I just needed to talk about it a little and as bad as this sounds I feel like I cant really talk to my family about my feelings. Thank you to anyone who reads this for taking the time. Hope I have helped anyone that may need it.


by on Jul. 12, 2013 at 2:21 PM
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Replies (1-10):
by on Jul. 12, 2013 at 2:31 PM
Oh I am so sorry you went through this. I can't even imagine. Please keep reminding yourself that its NOT your fault. Things happen and we never know why or how. *hugs*
by on Jul. 12, 2013 at 2:44 PM
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Please do not blame yourself. I understand what you ate going through, I had a second trimester loss of twins in December of 2011. Please so not give up. When you do get pregnant again they will keep a closer eye on you to try to prevent it from happening again, and while it may not be anytime soon, and it will be a long, hard, scary process, you will breathe a sigh of relief when you finally have your rainbow baby.

after my twins, we had three more miscarriages, and then just three weeks ago I delivered a healthy baby. She was worth the daily pain, agony, and worry.

What I'm trying to say is, eventually the pain will fade, though you may never fully get over it, and you will feel better. This is not your fault.
by on Jul. 12, 2013 at 2:47 PM
I'm so sorry.
by on Jul. 12, 2013 at 2:56 PM
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I'm so sorry :( My last pregnancy ended in a still birth at 39 weeks. We have no idea what caused it, she was perfectly healthy, everything looked good. I'm pregnant again, unplanned, and terrified that it could happen again, and it could happen again. I blamed myself for a while, but eventually, I realized that I couldn't. It just happened. Sometimes, bad shit just happens, and you have to learn to accept it and deal with it. I wish you all the best. 

by on Jul. 12, 2013 at 4:38 PM
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I am sorry this happened to you. I cried for you while reading your story. It isn't your fault something happened just can't find out what. 

by on Jul. 12, 2013 at 4:41 PM
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Thank you so much to everyone for the support, I certainly appreciate it. Yea the doctor suggested I wait at least 9 months to get pregnant again, weve decided we would wait at least a year, and the doctor also said they would monitor me more closer and see me often to try and prevent this from happening again. I guess that fear will always be there.

by on Jul. 12, 2013 at 4:48 PM
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I am so sorry to hear bout your lost. I went thru the same thing also. But i lost my son at 38 weeks. He was also stillborn. I never would of thought it would happen . Cause everything was fine before up till then. But found out he had a knot in his cord and it was around his neck. That happen in 07.Not a day goes by do i not think of him. I am here if you need to talk. It does help me some to talk bout it. You can add me as a friend. I will be praying for you. Just remember you will always have a special angel watching over you .And it isnt your fault.

by on Jul. 12, 2013 at 5:19 PM
Reading all these stories is heart wrenching. There are no words really to make it better. You all sharing makes me not take for granted what I have.
by on Jul. 12, 2013 at 5:26 PM

 I am so sorry for your loss. I could not even imagine!!!

by on Jul. 12, 2013 at 6:08 PM

*hugs you* I know it is hard to lose a child. But just know that it is not your fault and never will be. Some things just happen that we just cant explain.

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