Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

In need of Tips for Making it work with the Hubby

Posted by on Sep. 7, 2013 at 3:44 AM
  • 9 Replies

First let me start by saying I am not looking for your criticism, I do not want to hear my husband is a jerk (________ or whatever your mean name of choice is), because (1) he's not and (2) that don't help!

I'll admit I'm crazy. I have my own list of issues. My mother was very emotionally, psychologically, and occasionally physically abusive during my childhood. I watched her ruin my stepfather as a man. He was the sole provider in our home besides the child support my mother received, but he wasn't allowed to have any money. My mother had control over the checking account and he was only allowed to use the debit card when he needed gas. He had a drinking problem that over the years spread to prescription drugs and after their divorce street drugs. I watched her break him as a man. She always yelled about money, he never did anything right. The more she yelled and brought him down the more he used. I can honestly say today he is a broken man. He has no backbone, he went from being a Foreman for the carpenters union to working at a donut shop. Needless to say I am trying to break the cycle.

I'm working on me, but my husband is a slob sometimes! We have a 10 month old and 2 and a 1/2 year old I spend all day keeping up with and then work nights as a 911 Dispatcher. All week long I try to keep up with the house keeping so that we can enjoy our one day off together as a family. However, no matter how much sleep I sacrifice to clean, Saturday he destroys it. He can't multitask and keep up with the babies without it looking like a tornado hit my house. I mean food everywhere! Dishes everywhere!

So Sunday gets here and my house is a disaster and my anxiety hits. I cannot relax in a mess. I don't know how normal people handle this, but in my house my Mom just screamed, yelled, threw things, and sometimes hit people. I try to avoid this and just start cleaning, but we always end up yelling. I don't want that for myself, my husband (who may not sound like it here but is amazing), or our beautiful daughters.

I guess I just don't have a healthy way of dealing with conflict. That's what I need, a good way to deal with conflict...before I got pregnant I smoked, and that was how I dealt. Obviously that's not a path I plan on going back down...

So how do you deal with this issues? How do you fight or not fight with your spouse? Tips please because Sunday will be here in no time!

by on Sep. 7, 2013 at 3:44 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-9):
by on Sep. 7, 2013 at 8:11 AM
Hi. First let me say I'm glad you are trying to break the cycle. A lot of people just ignore issues, your actually trying to fix/change things.

Have you ever thought of counseling? Maybe either just for yourself or even couples counseling?

I have learned since I have kids that I don't care as much about the house being clean. My house isn't messy, but not as clean as it could be, if that makes sense. At least he is play with and taking care if the kids, that's what they will remember.

I'm sure you have talked to him about it, but have you down it camly and examined why it makes you upset? Maybe you guys can clean up together after the kids go to bed?
by Nikki on Sep. 7, 2013 at 4:06 PM
1 mom liked this

I'm not to much help here but I will wish you good luck.

by on Sep. 7, 2013 at 4:14 PM

Your post is very interesting...especially your first line about not calling your DH anything.  The reason I say this, is because I don't see a reason of why he'd be a jerk or anything else.  I think it's time management being the biggest issue.  This is just my opinion...Try this, Sunday when the house is a disaster and what not, clean it up by yourself.  Afterwards, tell him what to do as things happen to atleast somewhat keep up with keeping the house descent while chasing after the little ones.  Explain it to him ahead of time, that way he understand that your not trying to treat him like he's absent minded or a bad parent.  

All in all, I think that you both have something to learn.  Yes, he should learn to help you more, that's a given.  However, I think that you might need to understand that he may not know how to do things as well as you do in that manner.  Not just men, but some people in general aren't as 'skilled' in multi-tasking, and as silly as it may sound to some, he may need help learning how to keep up with everything, or at least in a way that everything doesn't fall apart during the day and left for you to pick up after.  It's possible, it just takes patience.  Just understand, I'm not judging either of you ... I'm just giving my opinion of how to work on your issue from what I'm getting from your post :)

And if either or both of you have an anger issue, counsiling may help with that.  I've never tried it myself, but I know a handful of couples who have and it seems to really make a difference in controling anger and helping both people understand the other side.  Sometimes we just need someone else to help us open our eyes to both sides and how to have patience and understanding, especially through the hard times :)  Good luck to the both of you ...

by on Sep. 7, 2013 at 11:31 PM
1 mom liked this

In my house, im the one who fights my slobbish tendencies and has poor housekeeping skills, my wife is amazing and puts up with my shit like a champ lol

That being said:  Here is how we keep a lid on the fights, maintain a happy house and have a relationship where we communicate pretty well most of the time. 

-Less stuff.  Get rid of anything that you don't need and use on a regular basis or is something that you love and take care of.

Keep two bottles for the baby.  One to use now, and one to wash and put on the rack.  You can never get more than one bottle behind or you will have to wash one to make the next bottle.  Same with sippy cups, keep ONE and put everything else away (like give it away or put it in a box in a closet WAY out of the way...maybe dont even tell your husband there are spares elsewhere in the house lol). 

Pair the kids toys down signifcantly and put a small container in each room of the house to pitch toys into if they get left out in that room.  

When you say there is food out every where what do you mean?  Like snacks and junk food everywhere?  Thats easy, stop buying junk that is easy to just bring the bag/box/package into other rooms.   Also, having an "all eating happens at the kitchen table" rule is a good one.  

Encourage him to keep the new, smaller ammount of stuff picked up, keep all the food in the kitchen and recognize his own limitations.  What is the trade off with money/trash/time/enjoyment of home and each other to have paper plates for dad to use to feed the kids if making dinner feeding them AND washing dishes is too much for him? 

Make a plan for your day off.   Prioritize the 3-5 things in the house that make you so bat shit crazy that you can't enjoy your day with your family.  Choose things that are obtainable, and be realistic..  So something like 

1) No food anywhere but the kitchen woudl be a good goal, while -Spotless kitchen, no crumbs anywhere in the house might not be.

Things like 'all the laundry in dirty clothes baskets, clean laundry folded and put away' ,  'kids toys picked up'  'all the trash bagged up and taken out'.   Make an agreement that you will both spend 30 minutes first thing in the morning, or whenever your day starts (post coffee!) making an effort to do the things on the list.  Don't nit pick, don't supervise and don't expect perfection.  Work on different items on the list, work for half an hour and then enjoy the progress and enjoy your day together.  If the house is still too stressful, get out of it for a while..go for a walk, go for a picnic...anything, and do another half hour of work when you get home.  

by on Sep. 8, 2013 at 2:51 AM
1 mom liked this

Well the biggest thing is to step back and take a brake. Walk out for just enough time for you to breath and get your thoughts together. After you are sure you are able to talk without yelling or hollering then step back in and have a little talk with your hubby. If it is he who will start the fuss ask him to do the same. And to keep him from feeling like a child you can say things such as " honey please just take a breather and relax a moment before this gets out of hand or goes to far" but your main goal will be to talk it out instead of fussing. mommy and daddy alone time can most times help with the tension between the two of you. But it is easy to if you know you are not alone. most daddys cant watch the kids and keep a house clean too. but its all good because even when we are tired and jusst about beat down we can look at our kids and our hubbys and that lets us know its all worth while....

by on Sep. 8, 2013 at 9:36 AM
1 mom liked this

When you figure out how to make your man more tidy let me know.  I am having the same issue.  I also have anxiety when my house is a mess.  Guess what it looks like right now...and guess who is still in bed.

IN times like these I just stay calm because I realize that he has a different level of "clean".  To him it won't take long to get the house squared away.  To me I can't get more cleaning done when I have to go back over everything all the time.  Maybe what you need to do is tell him straight out that you just want to talk.  Then let him know this is what I want and need, this is why I need it.  See if he listens to you.  

by on Sep. 8, 2013 at 9:37 AM
1 mom liked this

Also maybe create a list of no's and ok's.  

Like food anywhere other than the dining room/kitchen:  no

Dishes stacked neatly by the sink to be washed later:  ok

by on Sep. 8, 2013 at 11:39 PM
Thanks for all of the input we have spent a lot of time talking this weekend and setting some new rules for ourselves such as no food outside the kitchen, which honestly will resolve a ton of the mess.

We have concerned counseling, and I know you need to make time for the important things...but for that there isn't any time. With Sunday being the exception our time is completely consumed between work and caring for the babies. He gets up with the girls in the morning until he leaves at 10:30 am at which point I get up (after getting home at 6:30 am) and then I spend the day with them until he gets home around 9 pm we have a brief sometimes nonexistent pass along about the day and then I leave for work.

During the week sometimes we do not see each other except for while the other is asleep so when it comes to Sunday I don't want to spend it cooped up in the kitchen washing dishes and such by myself I want to see my hubby.

Pagan_mom84 the last time I asked for help on here anonymously I received like 30 replies calling my husband everything from a piece of s*** to a douche bag. As you can imagine the name calling wasn't helpful at all!

Joanahlee I so appreciate your advice, I honestly believe you have some amazing ideas. I'm all about getting rid of stuff. My hubby likes to keep everything. With him getting rid is a process that I have to be very patient with. Our first 2 years together we had 2 full sets of furniture because despite the fact that his furniture was 10 years old and worn out and mine was just barely a year old he had trouble parting with his because his deceased mother had bought it for him. He went threw some depression after her passing during the same time he had several health problems pop up an arrhythmia, kidney stones, and even had his gallbladder removed. He coped with the stress by literally filling the empty space. But we are constantly working on cleaning out and getting rid of items not needed, it probably doesn't help our situation at all that we are going thru home renovations so we can put our home up for sale so we can buy one with more space!

Thanks for all of the feedback and I hope to see more I truly do appreciate the help and support!!
by on Sep. 9, 2013 at 12:00 AM
1 mom liked this

I know that you and you hubby are very tired but maybe try to set times to see the other. it helped me. even if a snuggle fest for 10 minutes It may still help that you got to be held and talked to. And no nothing you said says that your husband is a bad person at all. others can just be mean. I think that that is maybe the biggest problem with the world. Everyone is so very quick to jjudge others but never see bad with theirself or the ones they truely love...

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)