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I feel like I failed as a woman...

Posted by on Nov. 5, 2013 at 11:07 PM
  • 18 Replies

I had my son Henry almost 6 months ago now. I had a fairly normal pregnancy, nothing out of the norm. When I went into the hospital, I was 80% effaced, 1 centimeter dilated, and my contractions were 5 min apart. It was 2 am and my contractions had started at 530 pm.

Over the next  27 hours I went through intense back labor, no dilation, loss of contractions... After almost 12 hours being in the hospital, I decided to have an epidural and pitocin. I wasn't dilating and my contractions were beginning to slow down. Slowly but surely I started to dilate. Not the 1 cent an hour but more like1 cent every 3 hours. I then spiked a fever of  almost 104 at some points but was mainly 102.5-103. My baby begain to have late D-cells and the pitocin had to be stopped. At about 24 hours of me being in the hospital I finally hit 9.5 centimeters. I stayed that way for abouter 3 1/2 hours. My epidural either wore off or the tubing moved. At this point I became almost delirious, I was in so much pain I began to hallucinate. I finally asked for a c-section and Henry was born 20 minutes later. 

He had to be placed on an IV with antibiotics for at least 5 days because of high fever. It did not stop until 4 days into my recovery. 2 days after giving birth, I had to go to the ICU due to my heart. The nurse came in in the morning to check my vitals and asked if I was feeling okay. As soon as she said it I felt like my chest was exploding. My heart was racing and I had incredible pressure. It hurt to breath. Within seconds my room was full of doctors. I was given nitroglycerin in case it was a heart attack. After a CT and an ultrasound of my heart, they were able to rule out a heart attack and blood clot. I had a large amount of fluid in my lungs and my back due to such a stressful delivery.

I unfortunately was away from henry for about 30 hours and was not able to breasfeed. I had to do SNS for about a week. My milk finally came in but it was horrible trying to keep him awake and interested. I finally started bottle feeding when he was about 4 weeks old.

 Anyways, we're both fine now but I just can't shake the feeling that I failed. All my life i envisioned being a mom and what the entailed. The so called perfect birth, vaginal, and being able to breastfeed as long as Henry needed it. I feel like I've failed as a woman in both regards. It's like my body betrayed me and I no longer feel like a real woman. I love my son more then I ever thought I could but it's beginning to strain my relationship with my husband. I haven't been interested in being intimate since I gave birth. I know I shouldn't feel this immense guilt because in the end, Henry is health and safe and I am as well. How can I reconcile these feelings? Has anyone else felt this? 

by on Nov. 5, 2013 at 11:07 PM
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Replies (1-10):
by Kali on Nov. 5, 2013 at 11:48 PM
You didn't fail. Do you think you could have PPD?
by on Nov. 6, 2013 at 8:25 AM

I really am glad you are ok and so is Henry. Seems like it was a scary moment for both of you. You did not fail at all, sometimes labor takes a weird turn and things happen. I was blessed to have a normal labor but i have friends that did not. I think you should be blessed to have Henry and that your now that perfect Mommy. I could not continue breast feeding either once i found out i had Crohn's disease. 

by on Nov. 6, 2013 at 8:27 AM
I'm sorry you had such a scary experience!

This is one of those situations that I think talking openly, or writing your thoughts down could really help.

I had a traumatic birth with my 2nd child and as a result I cannot ever have another child,
So please feel free to message me anytime, even if just to vent. :)

I think, as women and mothers, we have these expectations and dreams for our life as mothers, and it can take time to accept when things go drastically different. It's alright to feel disappointed, angry, and sad about it.

I think what's important is sharing your thoughts with others, and then to think of
What you have the power to do now, as a mother to a healthy baby. You can empower yourself still. He has 18 more years at least, so set some goals for the future. :)

By the way, I LOVE the name Henry!! :)
by on Nov. 6, 2013 at 9:48 AM

YOU HAVE NOT FAILED. Had a bad birth experience sure. But in no have you failed. Sound like the baby blues. Talk to your doctor. Please Please hear us is saying YOU ARE A WONDERFUL MOTHER YOU HAVE NOT FAILED.

by on Nov. 6, 2013 at 11:17 AM

My birth was not quite as tramatic as yours, but I felt the same way when I had my daughter. She is 14 months old and I had always thought I would breastfeed her until she weaned herself, but had so many issues with supply and she was hungry, and she turned into a formula fed baby. I was very upset about it for awhile. Even cried because I was so upset that I couldn't feed my baby the way that I had wanted and couldn't give her "what was best" (what I felt like was best) and natural. I have come to terms with it now, but will just try again and continue to educate myself on how to build supply and things.

My dd also ended up having a birth injury. I had orginally wanted to squat while giving birth to her, but let my fiance talk me out of that and was laying on my back. I really feel that if I had squatted she may not have had the birth injury, so I also felt like I failed when it came to that too :/.

I would talk to your dr though, because PPD could be a part of this and you not even know it. A couple months ago I realized that I thought I had PPD, and my dd was a year old. I don't think I had it the whole time, or if I did it was just a touch of it and it got stronger or something.

by Member on Nov. 6, 2013 at 2:21 PM

I am glad to hear that you and Henry are ok, I am sorry that you are going through this right now. Have you talked to your doctor about the way you are feeling?

This doesn't make you a failure as a mom, but I can understand why you feel that way. Have you talked to anyone about it? Does your husband know how you are feeling?

If you want to speak with a cousnelor I know that Focus on the Family has free licensed counselors that you can talk to by calling 1800-A-family.

by Nikki on Nov. 6, 2013 at 2:32 PM

Aww hun you didn't fail. Have you spoken to your Doctor? Sounds like it might be PPD.

by on Nov. 6, 2013 at 2:57 PM

You didn't fail! I understand how you feel like less of a woman. I had issues with supply and was unable to breastfeed either of my children. It broke my heart at the time and made me feel like I was inadiquate as a woman and a mother. It also took a toll on my marriage and sex life. I have just recently started feeling better and my youngest is over a year old. It does get better. It doesn't make you less of a mother if you use formula.

by on Nov. 6, 2013 at 4:21 PM

You didn't fail at this what so ever my husband and i went through this with our second child on the lack of fun in the bedroom. I done a boudoir session and it helped me feel sexy again. Now with our third child they are telling us that she is going to have to have open heart surgery right after she is born and that is putting a lot of stress on everybody. I breastfed my other two and I'm not even sure if i can do the same with her. I want be able to touch or anything after i had her. i felt like i had failed my husband and my other to children in the beginning but now i see that this is going to do nothing but make us a stronger family. If you need anybody to talk to about this feel free to message me.

by on Nov. 6, 2013 at 4:26 PM

 You did NOT fail! I had to have a csection also and I couldn't breast feed my daughter either. That doesn't make me feel less than a woman or a mom.

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