I had my son Henry almost 6 months ago now. I had a fairly normal pregnancy, nothing out of the norm. When I went into the hospital, I was 80% effaced, 1 centimeter dilated, and my contractions were 5 min apart. It was 2 am and my contractions had started at 530 pm.
Over the next 27 hours I went through intense back labor, no dilation, loss of contractions... After almost 12 hours being in the hospital, I decided to have an epidural and pitocin. I wasn't dilating and my contractions were beginning to slow down. Slowly but surely I started to dilate. Not the 1 cent an hour but more like1 cent every 3 hours. I then spiked a fever of almost 104 at some points but was mainly 102.5-103. My baby begain to have late D-cells and the pitocin had to be stopped. At about 24 hours of me being in the hospital I finally hit 9.5 centimeters. I stayed that way for abouter 3 1/2 hours. My epidural either wore off or the tubing moved. At this point I became almost delirious, I was in so much pain I began to hallucinate. I finally asked for a c-section and Henry was born 20 minutes later.
He had to be placed on an IV with antibiotics for at least 5 days because of high fever. It did not stop until 4 days into my recovery. 2 days after giving birth, I had to go to the ICU due to my heart. The nurse came in in the morning to check my vitals and asked if I was feeling okay. As soon as she said it I felt like my chest was exploding. My heart was racing and I had incredible pressure. It hurt to breath. Within seconds my room was full of doctors. I was given nitroglycerin in case it was a heart attack. After a CT and an ultrasound of my heart, they were able to rule out a heart attack and blood clot. I had a large amount of fluid in my lungs and my back due to such a stressful delivery.
I unfortunately was away from henry for about 30 hours and was not able to breasfeed. I had to do SNS for about a week. My milk finally came in but it was horrible trying to keep him awake and interested. I finally started bottle feeding when he was about 4 weeks old.
Anyways, we're both fine now but I just can't shake the feeling that I failed. All my life i envisioned being a mom and what the entailed. The so called perfect birth, vaginal, and being able to breastfeed as long as Henry needed it. I feel like I've failed as a woman in both regards. It's like my body betrayed me and I no longer feel like a real woman. I love my son more then I ever thought I could but it's beginning to strain my relationship with my husband. I haven't been interested in being intimate since I gave birth. I know I shouldn't feel this immense guilt because in the end, Henry is health and safe and I am as well. How can I reconcile these feelings? Has anyone else felt this?