Alternatives to spanking

[SWells041585]

  ***SUPER LONG POST*** Okay, ATM, I'm trying to re-vamp my discipline style w/ my oldest DD. I was raised being spanked and from time to time, when I felt I "needed" to, I spanked my oldest DD. I don't anymore but I'm having such a hard time getting her to mind me. IDK if I'm just uber impatient or what?! She just keeps trying to do stuff to irritate me. And then once she's done it she'll say, "are you gonna spank me?". I mean she's doing it for EVERYTHING now!!   
   Like yesterday after tap/ballet, we got home and were getting out of the car. Shavon (< mommy's help) asked Tori to get out on the passenger side away from the street. Tori looked at her and climbed to the driver's side. She did this back and forth JUD in the back seat until I grabbed her arm and pulled her out of the car. Then, when we got on the sidewalk, she wanted us to swing her back and forth and we didn't, so she fell out while we walking and refused to move. She finally got up after I threatened her with going straight to bed (<@ 7:30) b/c she was misbehaving so badly. 
   ALSO, Last night I said, it's 8:30 Tori, time to go to bed. We have a fam bed, so A-D (<- baby) and I usually hit the sack a little later than Tori. She ran back and forth from the living room to the bedroom asking me when we were gonna go to bed. I said Tori, in the bed now, or mommy's gonna have to tell Nee Nee (<- my godmommy) you can't play with your toys in the morning b/c you're not being a good girl and doing what mommy asks you. THAT DIDN'T WORK, threats of time-out didn't either. I finally went in the bedroom and shut the door. She whined like she was gonna cry and finally went to bed about 9 ish. I was soooooooo mad, I felt like I was gonna have a MD! My head was throbbing, I had laundry to do and I had to prep for the next day so, perhaps I was being a bit too short with her. I HATE loosing my patience with her but, I'm at a loss. I'm constantly crunched for time and I don't want to spend what little QT with the girls constantly correcting her. How do I get her to listen the first time and do what I ask w/o threatening to spank or worse actually doing it?

[Xakana]

Books I strongly recommend to you:

Love and Logic (you'll both benefit from the suggestions for behavior correction in that and it explains why time-outs and spanking don't work... and by the way, we used something similar on my niece when I was her nanny and she listened to us after about a month, she still doesn't listen to her mom, who spanked, but still listens to us, years later)

Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen

and one more recommendation, though it's a lesser one:

The Discipline Book by Dr. Sears

I'd recommend the happiest toddler on the block, but I think your DD may be too old and after the spankings, it's probably going to be ineffective anyway. Unfortunately, you're going to have to deprogram a lot of bad behaviors that the hitting has created and encouraged.

You CAN do it. Remember that you may need timeouts yourself, to keep from hitting her. If you feel you're going to lose it, leave. Don't stay and argue and get angrier, just leave. She'll still be there when you come back. And at her age, she'll still remember what it was that she did to upset you.

[LilyofPhilly]

I find consistency is very important when using positive discipline. IMO, Tori should have to go to bed at the same time every night, unless there's something special going on. Just be really matter-of-fact about it. Do your night-time routine, bath, snack, story, and then into bed. Give her the attention she needs at this time. Then if she gets out of bed, just very matter-of-factly walk her back in silence, no cajoling, no threats, no bargaining, just walk her back, and firmly put her back in bed. Just keep doing it, till she gets the idea that you are not backing down.