Losing my Focus

[SWells041585]

***SUPER LONG POST*** Okay, for those who missed my intro, ATM, I'm trying to re-vamp my discipline style w/ my oldest DD. I was raised being spanked and from time to time, when I felt I "needed" to, I spanked my oldest DD. I don't anymore but I'm having such a hard time getting her to mind me. IDK if I'm just uber impatient or what?! She just keeps trying to do stuff to irritate me. And then once she's done it she'll say, "are you gonna spank me?". I mean she's doing it for EVERYTHING now!!   
   Like yesterday after tap/ballet, we got home and were getting out of the car. Shavon (< mommy's help) asked Tori to get out on the passenger side away from the street. Tori looked at her and climbed to the driver's side. She did this back and forth JUD in the back seat until I grabbed her arm and pulled her out of the car. Then, when we got on the sidewalk, she wanted us to swing her back and forth and we didn't, so she fell out while we walking and refused to move. She finally got up after I threatened her with going straight to bed (<@ 7:30) b/c she was misbehaving so badly. 
   ALSO, Last night I said, it's 8:30 Tori, time to go to bed. We have a fam bed, so A-D (<- baby) and I usually hit the sack a little later than Tori. She ran back and forth from the living room to the bedroom asking me when we were gonna go to bed. I said Tori, in the bed now, or mommy's gonna have to tell Nee Nee (<- my godmommy) you can't play with your toys in the morning b/c you're not being a good girl and doing what mommy asks you. THAT DIDN'T WORK, threats of time-out didn't either. I finally went in the bedroom and shut the door. She whined like she was gonna cry and finally went to bed about 9 ish. I was soooooooo mad, I felt like I was gonna have a MD! My head was throbbing, I had laundry to do and I had to prep for the next day so, perhaps I was being a bit too short with her. I HATE loosing my patience with her but, I'm at a loss. I'm constantly crunched for time and I don't want to spend what little QT I have with the girls, constantly correcting her. How do I get her to listen the first time and do what I ask w/o threatening to spank or worse actually doing it? 

[SWells041585]

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[JoNanner]

I have a few questions first.

How old is she?
How long ago was it that you decided to stop spanking her?
Besides taking things away what are your other forms of discipline?

[SWells041585]

Quoting JoNanner:

I have a few questions first.

How old is she?
How long ago was it that you decided to stop spanking her?
Besides taking things away what are your other forms of discipline?

   She's 3 1/2 and I've tried not spanking before for about a month or so and my family ragged on me and antagonized me THE ENTIRE TIME until I gave up. This time I've been doing it for about 2-3 weeks and I feel like I'm ready. I've tried time-outs, I take toys, she's had to come in from playing outdoors and sit, I'm trying to get her to understand there's a consequence for her actions (<- is that too much for a 3 yr old?) AND I'm also trying to get her to be able to talk w/ me.

   EXAMPLE: I'll ask her "Why would you play with the potty Tori? You know that's nasty" and she'd say, "Because you told me not to". So I'm thinking she doesn't get that either. That or she's being defiant. She also laughs at me and REFUSES to make eye contact while we're talking. It's like she thinks I'm a joke. I just don't know what to do. I've thought about taking away extracurricular activities, but IDK. 
     
   Here's another example, at bed time, we DO have a ritual, on bath nights, she bathes, brushes her teeth and kisses Nee Nee goodnight on reg nights, she brushes her teeth and kisses Nee Nee goodnight. Well, monday evening, she cut up the entire time. She came out of the bedroom naked (< we run an in-home daycare and there were kids there!) when she knows we get undressed in the br, she poured water out of the side of the tub, wouldn't stay in the bed, she wouldn't get her pull up on, wouldn't stop JUD, would not stop playing with the light switch and kept this up for what seemed like forever. I talked and talked and talked. I feel like she thinks whatever I say doesn't apply to her, she even laughs at me when I try to sternly correct her. How can I get her to take me seriously?

[JoNanner]

I Think she's acting this way because she's always been spanked but now she isn't getting spanked so she has to relearn her boundaries and relearn how mommy is going to react.
You need to approach the discipline like she's a new born and start from square one.
She may be feeling hurt and have some built up anger towards you because of the spankings.
Also I would suggest remembering that sometimes is OK to give in, sometimes it's the best thing in the world for you and the child to just say ok mommy changes her mind. Not everything but let the small stuff go. Buying her cotton candy shouldn't have been a big deal it could have easily been something to bond over.

I would also suggest looking into Dr Sears. www.drsears.com has alot of advice and you can send him questions that you have.

I hope you don't feel like I am attacking you but personally when a 3year old acts up like that it's because of hurt and anger and because she's isn't getting enough positive attention. Sometimes you just have to ignore some behavior and be overly excited about the behavior you do want.

Good luck and I hope you find some answers!

Joanna