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Introducing myself and looking for some advice

Posted by on Sep. 22, 2010 at 10:11 AM
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Hello everyone, my name is Kathy and my 6 year old daughter was molested by my 14 year old step son. This happend in June and our lives have been a nightmare ever since. This child has had issues since the day I met his dad and yet nobody ever got him help. His mother has blown this off and he has suffered no consequences for his crime. I have been working closely with the detectives and there is a warrant for his arrest but their attorney is being totally uncooperative. My daughter is in counseling and I attend the mothers group, but nothing seems to be helping me. I am so angry and my husband who I know is in a tough spot seems more concerned with his son and will not follow the advice given by my daughter's counselor. This incident has been very hard on my daughter but counseling seems to be helping her but my whole family is being ripped apart and I just want to do what is best for my daughter. I am looking for support and advice on how to deal with this anger which I know is in part due to my stepson being allowed to think he has gotten away with this. I am hoping that once the arrest is finally made that will help . If anyone has any advice I am all ears.  Thanks for listening.

by on Sep. 22, 2010 at 10:11 AM
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ClaireSilva
by Group Owner on Sep. 23, 2010 at 8:53 AM

Hello! I can totally relate!  My stepson was 13 at the time when my then 6 year old son disclosed...  later my then 3 year old disclosed as well.  My stepson got free college, free housing, and has a clean criminal background.  I've seen that sexual abuse disclosures often times separate families (people siding w/ the perp, freaked out by the whole situation & staying away, people blaming the survivor...) 

Yes - the anger can consume you!  But you have to be strong, proud of your daughter, nurturing for her...  I know - I lived with the anger/guilt/hopelessness for years...  For me, I had to document our story and let others know how perpetrators operate, and are protected by our society.  So for 3 years I wrote our book (A Child's Heart Speaks: Surviving Sexual Abuse).  And then I marketed it for 2-3 years...    I've seen other moms get involved w/ passing better laws, getting involved w/ schools or courts...  I think if you find something that motivates you - it will help you focus on something constructive instead of the destructive anger.  Don't get me wrong - anger is good, and you need to allow yourself to feel those emotions...  but when it is crippling, it is good to find a way to distract you from those thoughts... 

I can honestly say I finally have peace as a mom, but it has now been 7.5 years...  My kids are doing wonderful, my husband and I have managed to stick together and build a strong family...  Focus on your daughter - make sure she has fun as a little girl, that she knows how proud you are of her for disclosing, that you are always there for her if she ever wants to talk about things...  Many times kids who are violated, are violated again by someone else (almost like perps have x ray vision to see who is more vulnerable, who has already been violated).  Make sure she knows what happened to her was wrong (the perp is always to blame) & I completely think self-defense training/classes is the best route to help someone know they are in control of their own bodies and no one has the right to ever harm them.

~Claire

 Author of   A Child's Heart Speaks: Surviving Sexual Abuse

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