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Feeling Lost

Posted by on Feb. 28, 2009 at 12:09 PM
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Ever sence I met my Husband I knew that he had a crazy and unresposable ex wife and two little boys, Tim and Alex,  that were caught in the middle.  A year later we found out that she had been letting them get abused and did nothing about it, so we did. We had them in counsling had all of the talks and their mom had all but dissapeared from their lives (she didn't like that she only had supervised visitation so just stopped comunicating at all)

So we thought we had all of our bases covered, even watching them like hawks with our two younger children. 

When my daughter was two she told me at breakfast that her oldest brother, Tim,  had been humping her, when he looked at me with a deer in headlights look I knew that he knew he was caught, but I wanted the full story from her before I confronted him so we finished breakfast as if she didn't say anything and I took her to my bedroom to talk.

She told me that he had shown his privates to her and rubbed it on her belly, I listened to her trying my best not to react, already doing the counsling with the older boys and talking with them I knew that showing my emotions would scare her and maybe she wouldnt be able to tell me the full story, or be scared to tell me anything else in the future. After we were done I set her up watching cartoons in the living room by herself and went to his room.

I sat down on the oppisite side of the room from him and started to question him, he did eventualy admit to doing things to her, I kept my distance and left the room.

Finding help was not easy, we had just moved to the area but I found a crises center in in the phone book and we got set up (a month later) with in home counsling.

While waiting to get any kind of help four him he was basicly put on room arrest because we had trouble being around him, but he is special needs and we felt trully helpless, they wouldn,t admit him anywhere saying that he was not a severe enough case to be admitted. All we could do is wait and see what in home servises would find.

He was diagnosed with post tramatic stress disorder and placed on geodon when he told the counsler that he was hearing voices telling him to do things and was seeing things that were not there.

We have gone three years without any more problems and everyone seeming to do well when we moved to a new house to be closer to family and work.  We had set up the house so that you had to go through our bedroom to get to the younger childrens room, and also two seperate living areas down stairs to that the older kids had their own area for watching tv and playing games. We thought we had our bases covered untill about a week after moving in I was working in the kitchen, the two younger kids were watching tv in the living room and the older ones were up in their rooms. Alex had come down to ask me a question and maybe 15 min later I went to check on the kids, but only my youngest son Robbie was there, I asked him where Rhea was and he said upstairs playing with the boys.  This sent a chill down my spine because the kids know that they are only alowed in their own rooms, not playing together unless we are around.  I went upstairs to see both doors to the boys rooms were shut and the younger kids room was empty, I first opened Tims room to find him alone, and when I opened Alex's door he was on top of her naked with her pants around her ankles, he backed away from her saying, she asked me to do it, she said she liked it, im sorry im sorry, i just grabed her up and ran to my room telling him to get dressed and go to his bathroom down stairs and stay there.

Here is my daughter, five years old and more upset that her pants had fallen to the floor on the way to my room than she was about what he had done to her.

She told me that he had told her to follow him to his room or he would give her a whippen so she did, I found out that he had been telling her that she would be his girlfriend now and had been touching her several times sence we had moved to the new house. He would sneak into her room after we had put them to bed and we were still up watching tv downstairs trying not to keep them awake.

Both older boys have now been sent to live with their aunt, and Alex will be starting a sex offender program for adolessents next week.  Tim is really missing home and wants to come back but I can't handle the thought of bringing anyone who has touched her that way anywhere near her, eventhough his medication has made telling right from wrong much easier for him.

That was the main diffrence between how we handled the diffrent situations, Tim actualy had a condition that made the urge to touch her a little more understandable, Alex is just a little preditor and I can't even stand to talk to him, eventhough his dad still talks to him several times a week. 

Part of his program will include us joining in on a counsling session afew months into the program, this will be difficult for me but I will do it for his father.

It is very difficalt to be a parent to both the victom and the one who violated her.

Rhea has been to counsling and she seems uneffected, we dont want to keep bring it up or make her feel diffrent, so we are keeping a close eye on her and will begin counsling again later if the need arrises.

The hubby and I have been very open with each other talking about everything from both sides and dont agree with each other on everything. I am scared that the aunt will deside at some point that she no longer wants the boys in her home and that she will try and send them back. The thought of them just visiting causes fear in me, how can I deal with two boys that see me as mom but i can no longer open my heart too?

by on Feb. 28, 2009 at 12:09 PM
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by on Mar. 1, 2009 at 1:51 PM

WOW all I can say is that I'm sorry for what your going through. I don't really have any advice for you except to try and stay strong.

Since the boysare no longer living with you make sure your daughter knows that it was not her fault that her brothers are no longer around.

by New Member on Mar. 2, 2009 at 9:22 AM

We have explained to her that what Alex did was so wrong that he could not be around her any more, but she doesn't understand why Tim had to go too.  She was too young when he messed with her for her to remember. My littlest, Robbie is having the most trouble with the boys being gone because he doesn't understand at all.  When we meet new people he makes sure to tell them that he has brothers and always sounds so sad when he talks about them.

It has been a month sense my hubby has seen the boys and I know he will want to make the trip soon (they are in the next state about 4-5 hours away) but I am just not ready.  Typically we are the couple that does everything together, and I hate to put it all on him but I need him to understand that I am no longer mom to them. Tim doesn't understand he has been really homesick and talking about me a lot to his aunt, and the fact that the family has healed a lot from his mistake 3 years ago makes it hard for him to know why I am standoffish to him also.

I don't even talk to Alex, just hearing his voice when he is talking to his dad on the phone bothers me. But I still talk to Tim sometimes, but hearing the sadness in his voice makes it really hard. He doesn't beg to come home with me, I don't think I could handle it if he did, but he does with his dad and I hate that Chris has to deal with it.

If we did bring him home I am scared that it would disrupt the younger children too much, they are just doing so well right now I don't want to mess it up.

by on Sep. 7, 2010 at 6:37 PM

I see it's been awhile since you've posted this. Has anything changed? Have things gotten any better for your family???

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