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Struggling...I am not who I was, so who am I now? (VENT)

Posted by on Jun. 16, 2014 at 7:30 AM
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Once upon a time I was a brilliant lady.  I mean I knew my zip code! I had an IQ over 200---I was able to complete a sentence and it had something to do with the one I had just heard before! :)

Now I am out of work unitl mid August while we get my meds worked out.  I was a teacher--first grade for kids who come to school with little to no English.  Pretty advanced skill set there!  Really folks--I was not a head of mashed potatoes three months ago!  I was MENSA material--not terrified of ending up on People of Walmart for forgetting to wear pants!!!

 I am taking Topamax, 50 am, 75 pm and sloooowly movng up to 150 am and 150 pm---Spongebob could kick my ass in Jeopardy.  (I just had to stop and try to spell that big J word twice!!! ARGH!!!)

Why am I out of work? Because I had 2 "Whoops--I'm gonna...sit..lay down here now kids..." events.  The last one was outside at recess with one other teacher and 50 kids at recess...at a shared public playground....in an inner city.  Yeah--they don't want me back until I am stable.  I havent been able to drive since April when I had my first, I endured my 72 hour EEG and we captured 3"beginnings" of events and 1 "whole brain" event.  Ok---so topamax it is.  This is week 2 of the med and I am already down about 5 pounds.  I literally can not eat.  Everything tastes like cowpoop.  If you have ever gotten organic fish fertilizer on your hands--that is EACTLY what food tastes like--I had a glorious love affair with food all my life.  Salt and I were Elizabeth Taylor and every guy...umm...well every guy.  Now...I get NO pleasure from food.  I never get hungry.  I never crave food emotionally...it is so weird! (Did I spell that word right? Weird is such a stupid word! Wierd..weird..they both look dumb)

Yesterday my boss called me to ask if I was planning on retunring to work---ummm yes!  My Dr wrote a deliberately vague letter "Planning on returning end of August"  I calmly explain I am not medically stable, we are upping my meds as fast as possible, there as serious side effects, I will be back as soon as humaly possible, and I will get a note stating I am safe to return before setting foot on school property.....

And...for the second damn time...I have a seizure an hour after talking to my boss.  The last time she was texting me that I lost a $500 Reading assessment kit--despite me telling her 3 seperate times exactly where it was.  It was EXACTLY where I said it was.  

I am struggling to come to terms with all this change.  Every time I think I have things managed, I get knocked back down.  If I can't even handle a phone call from work, how can I possible go back to working 11 hour days?  I am supposed to be mentoring a new teacher and ooverseeing the Kindergarten and Grade One Literacy Program this year--I can barely write a grocery list mid afternoon.  

But things will get better...change is ALWAYS good.

I am the Lotus that blooms in the mud.  

Right?

by on Jun. 16, 2014 at 7:30 AM
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Replies (1-7):
rgba
by Member on Jun. 16, 2014 at 12:30 PM
1 mom liked this
God, I am so sorry. I worry about this every day for my son.

My son is also highly gifted. I wonder if your brains are just overloaded and sometimes have a little misfire :(

You have my support! Keep me posted.
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Gretch73
by New Member on Jun. 16, 2014 at 1:05 PM

............OMG My boss just texted me AGAIN asking for another book I do NOT have!  Leave me alone! I DO not have anything that belong to the school department!!!!!!

rgba
by Member on Jun. 17, 2014 at 12:45 PM
Your boss sounds like a jerk :(

Quoting Gretch73:

............OMG My boss just texted me AGAIN asking for another book I do NOT have!  Leave me alone! I DO not have anything that belong to the school department!!!!!!

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02nana07
by Member on Jun. 22, 2014 at 1:01 PM
1 mom liked this

 block or ignore his text or have someone else deal with it until you are better.  Stress can be a trigger and it looks like the boss is testing you maybe trying to get you to quit.

Gretch73
by New Member on Jun. 22, 2014 at 2:11 PM

We are actually considering having me quit.  Without driving permission, It means getting up at four every day, for both me and my spouse, working until 4, waiting at work for a ride home, getting home at 5ish, doing school work, house work, and oh yeah...being a mom to a 16 yo who will be alone every morning and afternoon for the entire school year.  


She is..even as I type this..still texting me about packing books up.  We have started selling on Amazon and Ebay and I already opened an Etsy store, and looked into private tutoring and substitute teaching--stable, stress-free and flexible when I can drive again.  So I can make up about half of my former income....DH just does NOT want me going back to 13+ hour days, plus Saturdays.  I can't blame him. He is the one who watches me unable to talk or walk, trapped in my own head....

rgba
by Member on Jun. 23, 2014 at 1:46 PM
Do you qualify for FLMA? Maybe you need a few months to try to clear your head, literally.

Quoting Gretch73:

We are actually considering having me quit.  Without driving permission, It means getting up at four every day, for both me and my spouse, working until 4, waiting at work for a ride home, getting home at 5ish, doing school work, house work, and oh yeah...being a mom to a 16 yo who will be alone every morning and afternoon for the entire school year.  

She is..even as I type this..still texting me about packing books up.  We have started selling on Amazon and Ebay and I already opened an Etsy store, and looked into private tutoring and substitute teaching--stable, stress-free and flexible when I can drive again.  So I can make up about half of my former income....DH just does NOT want me going back to 13+ hour days, plus Saturdays.  I can't blame him. He is the one who watches me unable to talk or walk, trapped in my own head....

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Tckosdk.2012
by New Member on Aug. 21, 2014 at 12:32 AM

I can understand your situation. I started having seizures in my mid 20's & was diagnosed with a brain tumor. After having a craniotomy to remove the tumor my seizures slowly stopped but I was on a high dose of Trileptal that made me feel awful. Incredibly slow, I used to call it brain fog, & had major mental & mood changes to the point that I almost commited suicide. I got a second oppinion from an epileptologist & he agreed to wean me off the meds after 2 years post surgery. I did great, havent had a seizure in 5 years now off meds. I took a break from work for a few years & then got pregnant with my first baby, took another 2 years off to stay home with her. Now I'm so ready to go back to work. I'm a certified veterinary technician & have been since I was 22. I miss my job so much.  I found a job & did a trial week, we call them working interviews. What do you think happened on my 4th day? I had a tonic-clonic seizure not only in front of my new boss but also a client. My boss was really nice about it but doesn't want to hire me now because he thinks I'll be a liability. He legally can fire me for any reason because I wasn't technically hired yet. It's been 5 freakin years since I had a seizure. Why now? I am so beyond depressed about this. I also dont want to tell my Dr because I know they'll take my drivers license & I don't want to go back on meds either. They also made me feel so stupid & I can't be slow & stupid in my field trying to calculate drugs that could kill an animal if I do it wrong. I have to be on my toes. I'm so beyond upset :(

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