Struggling...I am not who I was, so who am I now? (VENT)
Once upon a time I was a brilliant lady. I mean I knew my zip code! I had an IQ over 200---I was able to complete a sentence and it had something to do with the one I had just heard before! :)
Now I am out of work unitl mid August while we get my meds worked out. I was a teacher--first grade for kids who come to school with little to no English. Pretty advanced skill set there! Really folks--I was not a head of mashed potatoes three months ago! I was MENSA material--not terrified of ending up on People of Walmart for forgetting to wear pants!!!
I am taking Topamax, 50 am, 75 pm and sloooowly movng up to 150 am and 150 pm---Spongebob could kick my ass in Jeopardy. (I just had to stop and try to spell that big J word twice!!! ARGH!!!)
Why am I out of work? Because I had 2 "Whoops--I'm gonna...sit..lay down here now kids..." events. The last one was outside at recess with one other teacher and 50 kids at recess...at a shared public playground....in an inner city. Yeah--they don't want me back until I am stable. I havent been able to drive since April when I had my first, I endured my 72 hour EEG and we captured 3"beginnings" of events and 1 "whole brain" event. Ok---so topamax it is. This is week 2 of the med and I am already down about 5 pounds. I literally can not eat. Everything tastes like cowpoop. If you have ever gotten organic fish fertilizer on your hands--that is EACTLY what food tastes like--I had a glorious love affair with food all my life. Salt and I were Elizabeth Taylor and every guy...umm...well every guy. Now...I get NO pleasure from food. I never get hungry. I never crave food emotionally...it is so weird! (Did I spell that word right? Weird is such a stupid word! Wierd..weird..they both look dumb)
Yesterday my boss called me to ask if I was planning on retunring to work---ummm yes! My Dr wrote a deliberately vague letter "Planning on returning end of August" I calmly explain I am not medically stable, we are upping my meds as fast as possible, there as serious side effects, I will be back as soon as humaly possible, and I will get a note stating I am safe to return before setting foot on school property.....
And...for the second damn time...I have a seizure an hour after talking to my boss. The last time she was texting me that I lost a $500 Reading assessment kit--despite me telling her 3 seperate times exactly where it was. It was EXACTLY where I said it was.
I am struggling to come to terms with all this change. Every time I think I have things managed, I get knocked back down. If I can't even handle a phone call from work, how can I possible go back to working 11 hour days? I am supposed to be mentoring a new teacher and ooverseeing the Kindergarten and Grade One Literacy Program this year--I can barely write a grocery list mid afternoon.
But things will get better...change is ALWAYS good.
I am the Lotus that blooms in the mud.