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Hold on to your Kids

Posted by on Feb. 7, 2010 at 3:12 PM
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http://www.amazon.com/Hold-Your-Kids-Parents-Matter/dp/037550821X

I've just started this book and it is very eye-opening...anyone else read this?


by on Feb. 7, 2010 at 3:12 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Imamom4sure ♥Kim
by on Feb. 7, 2010 at 4:39 PM

no, I haven't, in fact I didn't even know about it!

can you share a favorite quote that you have read thus far?

earthmama65
by on Feb. 7, 2010 at 4:52 PM

"The chief and most damaging of the competing attachments that undermine parenting authority and parental love is the increasing bonding of our children with their peers.  It is the thesis of this book that the disorder affecting the generations of young children and adolescents now heading toward adulthood is rooted in the lost orientation of children toward the nurturing adults in their lives. ... For the first time in history young people are turning for instruction, modeling and guidance not to mothers, fathers, teachers and other responsible adults but to people whom nature never intended to place in a parenting role -- their own peers."

earthmama65
by on Feb. 7, 2010 at 5:29 PM

This book is very eye opening about how children have been peer oriented over the last 50 years or so and how it has created parental impotence whereas parents just feel incompetent and turn to a million parenting books rather than focusing on the attachment and connection to their parent/child relationship.

We will be discussing this book at my local book club tomorrow just briefly as I am just catching up (also discussing Alfie, Naomi, Zabat-Zinn).  I am seeing things about the over-reliance on peer relationships and socialization and how even more insidious it was than I thought...

earthmama65
by on Feb. 7, 2010 at 6:24 PM

The idea that children need attachment to a healthy mature adults is so key in this book.  It is hitting home with me because I had Eli in day care from 18 months for nearly a year.  Prior to that he had a nanny who also had a toddler to take care of.  The thesis is that in the absence of strong parental attachment, children need to attach to someone as a compass.  More frequently and usually after school starts (or day care), the children are getting their attachment needs met by peers and this leads to all sorts of problems.

It makes me count my blessings that the economy has made it that I have to work at home and can't afford day care.  If and when the economy picks up, I will keep this in mind and not change the situation.  Also reinforces my plans to unschool.

Imamom4sure ♥Kim
by on Feb. 7, 2010 at 7:00 PM

This is interesting, and reminds me of a book, I had many years ago, but at the moment the title escapes me, about how parents have much less influence on how their children turn out than they think, the author's premise however was this was normal (it sorta freaked me out, though, LOL)

Here's the title of that book, which I wonder if this book you have was inspired to take the direction that it did.  However, I feel I probably would like your book, better. Although her book was to get the pressure off parents, it increased a worry and sense of helplessness in me, and made me.  I want my children to be free to grow and be (who ever they are) and feel loved by me, unconditionally, I want to have some influence in helping them be able to do such a thing, since there is lots of peer pressure to go against one's heart and to have shallow values of not fully respecting the dignity of others.  (a balance of freedoms meaning our freedom to do anything stops at another persons freedom to have one's civil rights protected)  Sorry, the book was called The Nurture Assumption: Why Children Turn Out the Way They Do, by Judith Rich Harris and the premise is that  genetics and peer influence have more impact on shaping a child than parenting. 

yes, in some ways it can be a relief and in some ways her argument is compelling but not fully, I still was not convinced when I finished the book.  However, I found her examples interesting.

She explained that it was always the culture at large or the genetics/temperment of the child, that is why when immigrants move to a new country their children do not have the accent of the parents, even within a country, children will develop accents and value preferences based on the location.  (so, another reason, I am concerned about my real life community)

Genetically kids are similar to their parents and that is why they may be similar in values if they are.  I know this is my interpretation of the book and thus may not be fair, and its been a while since I read it.

but your book sounds just as intriguing and at least important, hers didn't really have a sense of importance to me, except to  help parents not beat themselves up, (but there are otherways to help parents than this)

Quoting earthmama65:

"The chief and most damaging of the competing attachments that undermine parenting authority and parental love is the increasing bonding of our children with their peers.  It is the thesis of this book that the disorder affecting the generations of young children and adolescents now heading toward adulthood is rooted in the lost orientation of children toward the nurturing adults in their lives. ... For the first time in history young people are turning for instruction, modeling and guidance not to mothers, fathers, teachers and other responsible adults but to people whom nature never intended to place in a parenting role -- their own peers."


Imamom4sure ♥Kim
by on Feb. 7, 2010 at 7:04 PM

Wow! that is an interesting take on the economy! and given you're temperment, I have a feeling that you would have unschooled and focused on connection kind of unconditional loving parenting either way, at least as some point. :)

because some folks in your shoes don't see it as an opportunity to have more connection time anyway.  So I think its you girl! 

:)

Quoting earthmama65:

The idea that children need attachment to a healthy mature adults is so key in this book.  It is hitting home with me because I had Eli in day care from 18 months for nearly a year.  Prior to that he had a nanny who also had a toddler to take care of.  The thesis is that in the absence of strong parental attachment, children need to attach to someone as a compass.  More frequently and usually after school starts (or day care), the children are getting their attachment needs met by peers and this leads to all sorts of problems.

It makes me count my blessings that the economy has made it that I have to work at home and can't afford day care.  If and when the economy picks up, I will keep this in mind and not change the situation.  Also reinforces my plans to unschool.


earthmama65
by on Feb. 7, 2010 at 9:14 PM

The premise in this book is that it is the parent/child relationship that is responsible.  If the attachment is broken, children need to fill the void and if there is no suitable adult replacement it becomes the peers.  It offers to help keep or repair the connection.  I am about 1/3 through so I haven't gotten that far yet.

Imamom4sure ♥Kim
by on Feb. 7, 2010 at 10:46 PM

well, I agree with that premise! :)

Quoting earthmama65:

The premise in this book is that it is the parent/child relationship that is responsible.  If the attachment is broken, children need to fill the void and if there is no suitable adult replacement it becomes the peers.  It offers to help keep or repair the connection.  I am about 1/3 through so I haven't gotten that far yet.


Tauna1208 Tauna
by on Feb. 8, 2010 at 1:06 AM

Oh yes - I mentioned it in the thread above of my favorite parenting books!  I read it a couple of years ago - kept it in my car to leaf through - it's very well-worn!  Loved it and thought it was so important, I bought my brother & sil a copy (have they ever mentioned reading it?  No!)  If only they had read it, they not be where they are today...2 teenagers that don't converse with them and don't trust them...*sigh*.

This is pretty much required reading on the list for followers of The Contiuum Concept.  It picks up where TCC left off, and gives so much compelling info.  It was kind of a shock for me to read, just because when I was a kid & teen, my closest friends *were* my family.  I had entirely substituted my family with them.  Luckily I picked good friends, but I imagine how different my life with would be if I had fallen in with a different crowd.  I think reading HOTYK also influenced how involved I got in my nephew's life, and at a very crucial time.

Imamom4sure ♥Kim
by on Feb. 8, 2010 at 11:08 AM

wow! very good points, and endorsement, I will be looking for the book!

Quoting Tauna1208:

Oh yes - I mentioned it in the thread above of my favorite parenting books!  I read it a couple of years ago - kept it in my car to leaf through - it's very well-worn!  Loved it and thought it was so important, I bought my brother & sil a copy (have they ever mentioned reading it?  No!)  If only they had read it, they not be where they are today...2 teenagers that don't converse with them and don't trust them...*sigh*.

This is pretty much required reading on the list for followers of The Contiuum Concept.  It picks up where TCC left off, and gives so much compelling info.  It was kind of a shock for me to read, just because when I was a kid & teen, my closest friends *were* my family.  I had entirely substituted my family with them.  Luckily I picked good friends, but I imagine how different my life with would be if I had fallen in with a different crowd.  I think reading HOTYK also influenced how involved I got in my nephew's life, and at a very crucial time.


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