Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

http://www.amazon.com/Hold-Your-Kids-Parents-Matter/dp/037550821X

I've just started this book and it is very eye-opening...anyone else read this?


by on Feb. 7, 2010 at 3:12 PM
Replies (11-20):
Xakana
by on Feb. 8, 2010 at 4:15 PM

OMG, this is exactly the kind of thing I've tried to express when explaining to people why detached parenting is NOT a good thing and why children can't be "independent." That they will just change their deprendency from adults to their peers, which is not an appropriate substitute!

Quoting earthmama65:

"The chief and most damaging of the competing attachments that undermine parenting authority and parental love is the increasing bonding of our children with their peers.  It is the thesis of this book that the disorder affecting the generations of young children and adolescents now heading toward adulthood is rooted in the lost orientation of children toward the nurturing adults in their lives. ... For the first time in history young people are turning for instruction, modeling and guidance not to mothers, fathers, teachers and other responsible adults but to people whom nature never intended to place in a parenting role -- their own peers."


baby in slingtoddler girl

.....

Admin: Love and Respect, No [hitting] No CIO and
Alternatives to Mainstream Parenting

Owner: Natural Babies due in January 2009

Xakana
by on Feb. 8, 2010 at 4:20 PM


Quoting Imamom4sure:

the book was called The Nurture Assumption: Why Children Turn Out the Way They Do, by Judith Rich Harris and the premise is that  genetics and peer influence have more impact on shaping a child than parenting. 

She explained that it was always the culture at large or the genetics/temperment of the child, that is why when immigrants move to a new country their children do not have the accent of the parents, even within a country, children will develop accents and value preferences based on the location.  (so, another reason, I am concerned about my real life community)

Epigenetics both proves and disproves that--we have a secondary genome that is shaped by our parenting and our environment and drives us and is passed down to our children. It's part of why "breaking the cycle" is so hard, because it's coded into our genes to continue that cycle, but those genes are mutable and just by parenting differently, we're changing the genetic structure of our children. What's more, that actually influences their overall health. Starting from how well we eat during pregnancy, it can affect our grandchildren!

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/genes/

baby in slingtoddler girl

.....

Admin: Love and Respect, No [hitting] No CIO and
Alternatives to Mainstream Parenting

Owner: Natural Babies due in January 2009

rkoloms
by on Feb. 8, 2010 at 4:25 PM


Quoting earthmama65:

The idea that children need attachment to a healthy mature adults is so key in this book.  It is hitting home with me because I had Eli in day care from 18 months for nearly a year.  Prior to that he had a nanny who also had a toddler to take care of.  The thesis is that in the absence of strong parental attachment, children need to attach to someone as a compass.  More frequently and usually after school starts (or day care), the children are getting their attachment needs met by peers and this leads to all sorts of problems.

It makes me count my blessings that the economy has made it that I have to work at home and can't afford day care.  If and when the economy picks up, I will keep this in mind and not change the situation.  Also reinforces my plans to unschool.

This is speaking my language!! My 14 year old and I are so much closer than I could have dreamed. I won't say that we are friends (that would be bad), but she tells me things that I never imagined telling my mother and that none of the moms hear from their children. In fact, I have had other moms call me to see if I knew something about their daughter.

Alyssa often tells me how lucky she is to have me as a mom, and how she doesn't understand why her friends don't get along with their mothers.

Of course, we were chastised for EVERYTHING (from not using a pediatrician through no meat to co-sleeping and child led weaning).

I know that the teen years are supposed to be awful, and we have a long way to go, but I really feel like Alyssa has a strong foundation to take on all of the teen challenges (and so do her parents).

Robin in Chicago

mb_dolphin MB
by on Feb. 8, 2010 at 5:49 PM


Quoting earthmama65:
Also reinforces my plans to unschool.

i was thinking the exact same thing when i read your quote from the book. i will put this one on my list! i've been reading the unschooling handbook, almost done, and there are a lot of mentions by parents quoted in that book, of how they feel much more connected to their kids because (duh?) they spend all day with them, and that includes teens, and many of the unschooling community seem to feel that is how it SHOULD be, it certainly seems logical to me- if you surround a kid with people of his own age, who SHOULD he look to? if you surround him by his own family and people of a variety of ages and experience levels, he can at least have some variety to choose from. so, i look at unschooling as a way to keep quinn surrounded by a "real world"-like community, rather than sending him to be with a bunch of other kids not of either of our choosing, and hope for the best. i don't know if the book goes into schooling choices or not, but that is immediately where my head goes, with this concept. i get so tired of people wondering aloud whether a homeschooled/unschooled kid will be "socialized" enough, and i think gosh, throwing someone in a tank full of artificially age-sorted people is how we teach socialization? this quote is from the amazon review:


Quote:

The problem, Neufeld and co-writer Maté suggest, lies in a long-established, though questionable, belief that the earliest possible mastery of the rules of social acceptance leads to success.
sandy, all i know about you is that you and your teenage daughter have SUCH an amazing connection and you are my role model in that area. i'd be so happy if quinn and i are so well connected to each other when he is saylor's age.


earthmama65
by on Feb. 8, 2010 at 7:10 PM

I was discussing this and other books with my local book club today...sort of a round-up of books that have had the most profound effect on me, including this one, Everyday Blessings, Unconditional Parenting, Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves and Non-Violent Communication....  I'd say this is a good nugget of books to acquire, read and consult over and over again (including HOTYK in that group of course).

One of the other mamas said that after reading that book as soon as someone used "socialization" as a reason to do anything, be it day care, play dates or public school, she felt confident that that reason holds no water at all.  I LOVE this book!  One of the other mamas in the group happens to be from Vancouver, Canada, where one of the authors (Neufeld) lives...(maybe even both of them live there) and a friend of hers actually had dinner at Neufeld's house and not knowing anything about him or this book could not stop raving about what a lovely time they had with his teenagers and were blown away by them.


earthmama65
by on Feb. 8, 2010 at 10:07 PM

Another thing that is paradigm shifting about this book (much as Alfie and Naomi are) is the idea that an "independent" child is not your goal.  That seems to be the big worry of AP critics that your child will never be independent, and some AP folks, myself included, like to cite the fact that AP kids are MORE independent because they are more secure in themselves.  This book shoots down the paradigm that independence, at least as children and teenagers, is not the goal.  Children and teenagers are immature and to be independent of parents or other adults is to set the stage for dependence on peers, which is disastrous.....

parentspeaker Judy
by on Feb. 9, 2010 at 12:15 PM

I read the book several years ago.  Mr. Neufeld is a great guy and Dad of five kids.  I get to speak at a conference next month where he is the keynoter and I'm doing two breakouts.  He is the master on attachment theory for older children and my sessions will focus on the day-to-day strategies.  Anything you want me to ask him?  We get to attend a few socials together!

Warmly,

Judy

Author of the bestselling:  Discipline Without Distress: 135 tools for raising caring responsible children without time-out, spanking, punishment or bribery.

Xakana
by on Feb. 9, 2010 at 2:53 PM


Quoting rkoloms:
My 14 year old and I are so much closer than I could have dreamed. I won't say that we are friends (that would be bad), 

Oh? Why would that be? My ex-girlfriend told me when we were first becoming friends in high school that her mom was one of her best friends. And other friends said their moms were their friends. That was always one of my goals with my kids--to be their friend. I know that I certainly listened to my friends before my mom (who might have been a decent mom if she hadn't been so immature, violent and selfish).

It was the kids who were worried about peer pressure or who were detached that seemed to view that as a bad thing. Many of them simply because they thought that was the way it was "supposed to be" or because they were jealous. I highly encourage thinking outside of the box ;)

baby in slingtoddler girl

.....

Admin: Love and Respect, No [hitting] No CIO and
Alternatives to Mainstream Parenting

Owner: Natural Babies due in January 2009

lukesmyboy christina
by on Feb. 11, 2010 at 6:13 PM

I have this book! Havent read it yet though! Gotta get on that!

Imamom4sure
by on Feb. 11, 2010 at 6:44 PM

OH Wow! thanks for the heads up, I'm gonna be thinking up questions, right now, first thing that pops in my head is was his book in response to the Nurture Assumption?

and then what does he think is the best way to reconnect with teens that have been rifted somewhat from their parents, and are used to putting peers first? 

in otherwords whats the best way to bring healing back, what attitude is to be forefront?

how to strike a balance between respecting our children's autonomy and need for companionship with those who share similar interests and culture with being involved and a source of trusted support for our children?

highly interested in your perspective of the conference,

kim


Quoting parentspeaker:

I read the book several years ago.  Mr. Neufeld is a great guy and Dad of five kids.  I get to speak at a conference next month where he is the keynoter and I'm doing two breakouts.  He is the master on attachment theory for older children and my sessions will focus on the day-to-day strategies.  Anything you want me to ask him?  We get to attend a few socials together!

Warmly,

Judy

Author of the bestselling:  Discipline Without Distress: 135 tools for raising caring responsible children without time-out, spanking, punishment or bribery.


Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN