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The Self Aware Parent By Fran Walfish

Posted by (Michelle) on Dec. 20, 2011 at 8:43 PM
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Hi Everyone,

I read this book, and it totally changed my life. I am a better mother for it. 

Michelle

The Self-Aware Parent: Resolving Conflict and Building a Better Bond with Your Child

by on Dec. 20, 2011 at 8:43 PM
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Replies (1-8):
Imamom4sure ♥Kim
by on Dec. 20, 2011 at 9:14 PM

do you have any favorite quotes form the book? 

415studentmama Michelle
by on Dec. 22, 2011 at 3:21 PM

No qoutes but I liked how she talked about the real realtionship between a mother and her children, it was really eye opening and transformative :)

Michelle

Imamom4sure ♥Kim
by on Dec. 22, 2011 at 10:18 PM


Quoting 415studentmama:

No qoutes but I liked how she talked about the real realtionship between a mother and her children, it was really eye opening and transformative :)

Michelle

that sounds very interesting, :)

what would you say her take is about the "real relationship between a mother and child" actually is?

in other words, how would she describe it?

415studentmama Michelle
by on Dec. 22, 2011 at 11:16 PM
1 mom liked this

It's just more complex than it's traditionally stereotyped. For example as mother we have our own unresolved issues with our childhood's and our lives. Our children aren't born as perfect complimentary beings to us, and so sometimes there is conflict, sometimes we react to them in ways that are unwarranted. By being aware of ourselves and our issues as well as understanding that our children are separate human beings we are better able to parent.

Whew, that was a lot, that's what I got out of the book anyway :)

Michelle

girlwithC Amy
by on Dec. 24, 2011 at 2:02 AM


Quoting 415studentmama:

It's just more complex than it's traditionally stereotyped. For example as mother we have our own unresolved issues with our childhood's and our lives. Our children aren't born as perfect complimentary beings to us, and so sometimes there is conflict, sometimes we react to them in ways that are unwarranted. By being aware of ourselves and our issues as well as understanding that our children are separate human beings we are better able to parent.

Whew, that was a lot, that's what I got out of the book anyway :)

Michelle

I agree with that observation by the author and really appreciate books that demonstrate this point (sometimes exploring the "why's" behind the issues that come up or get triggered and generate that conflict--and why we sometimes "react to them in ways that are unwarranted," or that we can realize are unwarranted once we begin to become self-aware and realize what is going on.)

I know some other books that do focus on this issue but I hadn't heard of this one, so I'm glad to know of it.  I'm especially glad for your very positive experience & that it changed your life and that you feel like a better mother for having read it.  That is so wonderful!  And I totally can see how it could be true.  This stuff is transformative--first for consciousness and, over time, for behavior, experience, and interactions.  Which means, for life!

It is so cool to know this about your experience!

I think that "understanding our children are separate human beings from us" can sound obvious and self-evident, but it is a big issue and sometimes when we're having problems parenting, that "obvious" fact is NOT something we actually believe.  It's the same way with understanding that our child can have his or her own feelings--many times we think "of course!" and that it's not an issue for us, but when we're having conflict or problems parenting, it's very often about resisting their feelings (which is related to not recognizing in that moment that this child is a separate person.)  Something so simple as really understanding that our children are separate human beings is really huge and could help a lot of people/situations.  Of course, this is because most of us grew up in poorly-differentiated families where, at least part of the time, these simple realities were not recognized and we were pressured in ways that create issues for us and challenge our capacity to accept our children (at those times/in similar situations), now.

Would you say that this book was especially helpful in exploring and describing ways to handle or address the stuff that comes up (the stuff that ends up triggering the feelings & the conflict, and all the perceptions that we can later recognize are unwarranted, or influenced by our conditioned responses not by what is actually happening in the here & now)?  Did she give solutions, or offer strategies for changing the habitual patterns of responding to more optimal responses?  I mean, did she explore what might go into resolving those "unresolved issues" so they are no longer likely to perpetuate a cycle of hurt & misunderstanding (with issues left for another child to grow up harboring unconsciously)?  Or how to proceed in the moment, and also how to bring awareness to the situation WHEN you are triggered and reactive in the moment?

What I'm wondering is would you say it was practical and helpful on that level, in addition to being eye-opening and really expanding your consciousness on the overall issue by making the points she makes?

Thanks for sharing and helping us to get a sense of it!

415studentmama Michelle
by on Dec. 26, 2011 at 8:18 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting girlwithC:


Quoting 415studentmama:

It's just more complex than it's traditionally stereotyped. For example as mother we have our own unresolved issues with our childhood's and our lives. Our children aren't born as perfect complimentary beings to us, and so sometimes there is conflict, sometimes we react to them in ways that are unwarranted. By being aware of ourselves and our issues as well as understanding that our children are separate human beings we are better able to parent.

Whew, that was a lot, that's what I got out of the book anyway :)

Michelle

I agree with that observation by the author and really appreciate books that demonstrate this point (sometimes exploring the "why's" behind the issues that come up or get triggered and generate that conflict--and why we sometimes "react to them in ways that are unwarranted," or that we can realize are unwarranted once we begin to become self-aware and realize what is going on.)

I know some other books that do focus on this issue but I hadn't heard of this one, so I'm glad to know of it.  I'm especially glad for your very positive experience & that it changed your life and that you feel like a better mother for having read it.  That is so wonderful!  And I totally can see how it could be true.  This stuff is transformative--first for consciousness and, over time, for behavior, experience, and interactions.  Which means, for life!

It is so cool to know this about your experience!

I think that "understanding our children are separate human beings from us" can sound obvious and self-evident, but it is a big issue and sometimes when we're having problems parenting, that "obvious" fact is NOT something we actually believe.  It's the same way with understanding that our child can have his or her own feelings--many times we think "of course!" and that it's not an issue for us, but when we're having conflict or problems parenting, it's very often about resisting their feelings (which is related to not recognizing in that moment that this child is a separate person.)  Something so simple as really understanding that our children are separate human beings is really huge and could help a lot of people/situations.  Of course, this is because most of us grew up in poorly-differentiated families where, at least part of the time, these simple realities were not recognized and we were pressured in ways that create issues for us and challenge our capacity to accept our children (at those times/in similar situations), now.

Would you say that this book was especially helpful in exploring and describing ways to handle or address the stuff that comes up (the stuff that ends up triggering the feelings & the conflict, and all the perceptions that we can later recognize are unwarranted, or influenced by our conditioned responses not by what is actually happening in the here & now)?  Did she give solutions, or offer strategies for changing the habitual patterns of responding to more optimal responses?  I mean, did she explore what might go into resolving those "unresolved issues" so they are no longer likely to perpetuate a cycle of hurt & misunderstanding (with issues left for another child to grow up harboring unconsciously)?  Or how to proceed in the moment, and also how to bring awareness to the situation WHEN you are triggered and reactive in the moment?

What I'm wondering is would you say it practical and helpful on that level, in addition to being eye-opening and really expanding your consciousness on the overall issue by making the points she makes?

Thanks for sharing and helping us to get a sense of it!

Hi :)

I would say that the book helps you to understand yourself as a parent and your child as separate from you. It helps you move past your personal problems and issues and remember that your child is someone else, someone whom you can give a better experiences as child than you had.  It's been quite a while since I read the book, and I do not have it with me, my sister just had a baby and I loaned it out to her.  But here is the website of the author, she explains what the book is about, also amazon lets you read some of the book without purchase :)

http://www.drfranwalfish.com/

Michelle


LindaClement Linda
by on Dec. 27, 2011 at 2:04 AM
1 mom liked this

I feel exactly the same way about Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn!

415studentmama Michelle
by on Dec. 27, 2011 at 4:24 PM


Quoting LindaClement:

I feel exactly the same way about Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn!

I read that one too and also enjoyed it :)

michelle 

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