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This is my story.

Posted by on Jun. 11, 2008 at 11:11 PM
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 I have told virtually no one about what has happened to me. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed. I did not even tell my husband until 5 years into our relationship. So because of you here is my story.......

When I was 11 (I looked much older and was very mature. I also hung around with the wrong crowd) I hung around this gang. So my BF and I went out with a group of them. I started to drink with them (my first time drinking). My BF left me there because she had to leave and I stated behind with the group of people who I though was my friends. Well I got TRASHED. I barely remember anything, except for what happened at the end of the night. I vaguely remember the walk to my house, I could barely remember it. Next thing I know I was laying outside of my house on the grass below my mothers bedroom window. My pants were off and HE was on top of me. I remember the moon staring at the moon. HE was talking dirty to me, I felt like I was there but NOT. I almost felt like I was staring down at my body and watching. When I looked to left side, there was that group of people watching and talking. The next thing I remember is waking up throwing up. I was very confused. The next morning HIM and one of his friends came to MY house to see how I was feeling. I was speechless! I asked him what happened and he said nothing. I doubted what I thought happened. The following Monday at school everyone was talking about it. I could have died. I just pretended that I was clueless. I TOLD NOBODY!!!!!

The second time, a few months later. My art teacher grabbed my breasts. I ran away and I told on him. I thought I will NOT let this happen again. My family supported me and we brought it to court. After being interrogated by police man/woman, going to court, continuing to go to that school and see that man. HE was found not guilty! Because I was a troubled student and when the assault happened I was skipping class. I was then put on probation and had to do time for this court required program that I had to attend a few times a week with BAD kids. I was a good girl. So I paid for doing the right thing.

Last but not least. I had worked at a restaurant at the age of 12 until like 15 1/2. My aunt whom I had just moved in with worked there and had been there a long time. The owners (husband and wife) were very good to her. I had formed a grandfather/granddaughter relationship with the owner. We were very close. I loved him like a grandpa. HE would always do nice things for me like give ONLY me a b-day gift, in secret. Give me an extra christmas bonus. Give me money here and there. So I thought he just loved me and we had a special relationship.So I had missed some time from work because I had surgery and my father just died. When I came back to work. He called me to bring him something in a vacant part of the building that he had just recently newspapered the windows. When I went there, thinking no biggie I had done this so many times before. He hugged me and told me how happy he was that I was back. Then started rubbing me and kissing my neck. I froze and didn't say anything. I just said I had to get back to work. I told my aunt whom I lived with and she didn't believe me. I said I was quitting and she said NO I had to stay. A few nights later, he called and made the same request for me to go over. My aunt was working and answered the phone. I begged her not to make me go but she said I had to, to see what would happen. I think she didn't believe me. So I went and the same think happened again. This time a little more touchy/kissy. I ran out and left work. My aunt did not believe me, she was in denial. She made me continue to work and give my 2 weeks. She didn't want to Ruin his families lives. I was told to keep it a secret and tell nobody what happened. After I quit he started to become obsessed with me. He hung ONLY pictures of me on the back door. I caught him driving by my house.  My aunt said I was flirting with him, I looked at that man as a grandfather and that hurt. My aunt continued to work there.

I found myself having sex so that men would like me. I acted like I wanted it. It makes me sick.

This was really hard for me to write down. I do not talk about this. I feel so embarrassed. I am afraid to talk to anyone about it. Thank You for giving me the opportunity to talk. I feel safe telling all of you. Sorry it was long. 
by on Jun. 11, 2008 at 11:11 PM
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Replies (1-4):
ClaireSilva
by Group Owner on Jun. 12, 2008 at 11:00 PM
How brave of you to tell your story!  The only ones who should be embarassed and ashamed - are those perpetrators.  You were a child that did nothing wrong!  That is wonderful that you've been able to share your story with your husband!

Claire
shanzing23
by on Jun. 15, 2008 at 10:18 PM
Thanks but I do not feel brave. I only spoke about it once with him during a therapy session and we have never spoken of it again. Sometimes I wish he would ask me about it so I could talk to him but he doesn't. He is not a very good listener and he has lost his finesse with situations like this. I think I may start going to therapy alone. Maybe I can get some help there.
Quoting ClaireSilva:

How brave of you to tell your story!  The only ones who should be embarassed and ashamed - are those perpetrators.  You were a child that did nothing wrong!  That is wonderful that you've been able to share your story with your husband!

Claire
ClaireSilva
by Group Owner on Jun. 17, 2008 at 7:17 AM
Even if you don't feel brave - you are!!!  So many people never tell their story and try to hide the painful memories deep within themselves. 

Therapists can be great - if you find a good one.  Most of the survivors I've spoken with feel they got true help when they attended a support group for sexual abuse survivors.  SIA - Survivors of Incest Anonymous is a free 12-step group.  (It doesn't have to be incest - the abuse could have been committed by someone outside of the family)  If interested, check if there are any groups in your state.  If you can connect with other survivors - you'll learn who is a good therapist to go to...

Claire
MommyMommaMom
by on Aug. 7, 2008 at 11:43 PM

Your story reminds me so much of my daughters.  When she was 16 she was date raped by a boy she bowled with.  He told her it was not rape because there was not any violance.  No is no.  Then her father said inappropriate comments to her and bought her wine coolers.  He also showed her inappropriate things on the internet.  This all happened within 6 months of each other.  She started hanging around with the wrong crowd and started to sleep with anyone, I'm guessing to feel wanted or loved, I'm not sure.  She also tried to kill herself because of this.  She went  from being an honor roll student to dropping out of school.  This past year has been a long hard road, but I think she is on the road to recovery.  She got her GED and in enrolled in college.  Unfortunately she has moved away to get away from the memories and she is trying to become the person she knows she can be.

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