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How can I get through this???

Posted by on Jul. 23, 2008 at 2:06 AM
  • 5 Replies
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I really don't really know how to start this.  Still balling my eyes out over this incident.  I just found out about  2 days ago that my 4 year old daughter was sexually abused by her uncle.  How I found out:  She was sick for a couple days puking and everything.  While she was she was over at her grandma's house....also her dad's (he lives with her).  She came home, and later that evening, about 3 am to be exact, she woke up puking.  Finally got her back into bed.  We were talking, along with my fiance, trying to make her feel better.  So I pinched her butt, and said, "You have such a cute butt." Cause really she does!  lol  Anyhow, right after I said this, she goes, "Uncle *** takes pictures of my butt."  Uncle *** is an already registered sex offender.  How he got to be around her is that me and her grandma (his mom) agreed that she can only see her if one of us is around her.  This even went through his parole officer.  Yes, he's still on parole.  HOW STUPID AM I??? To even make that agreement.  So after she said that about the pictures, my heart sank.  So TRYING to keep my cool, I keep asking her some questions.  I asked, "Does he touch you?"......Yes  "Where does he touch you?"  And she showed me exactly where.  At first I didn't freak out.  (Not sure how I did it)  I just wanted to keep asking, trying to sound as calm as I can.  After so many questions, I knew she was definately telling the truth.  I then left the room, and balled my eyes out like there was no tomorrow.  I wanted to scream, yell, throw something, but more than anything, I wanted to find him and beat him to a bloody pulp.  Yet, I knew that it was 3 o'clock in the morning, and there wasn't much me and my fiance could do.  Instead I called my mom.  Completely not understandable as I'm rambling on, crying and making no sense that late at night.   *It's funny how we always run to our moms*.  She told me the same thing.  I should just wait til morning and then kick some ass.  Yet it was another 2 to 3 hours until I finally fell asleep.  The next day, we went to the police.  Put my statement in.  So finally today, my daughter had the interview with the investigators.  She told him exactly what she told us.  It was confirmed.  But I also found out more.  Professionals are good.  She then had to get her exam.  My poor girl,  she was crying saying that it hurt, and not to touch her.  It surprising how strong you can be, and not break down in front of them.  I'll find out soon if anything pentrated her.  Good news is that he's in jail.  And since he's still on parole he's going to prison.  Still too soon to know for how long.  The funny thing is, is that I talked to his mom, and she seems to be in denial. I know it may seem hard to hear that her son could do that to her grandaughter, but HE"S DONE IT BEFORE!!! (To other kids) She no longer gets to go over there to her house.  It seems as though she doesn't even believe me or my daughter.  Like I'm just making this up for some sick reason. 

The past few days have been horrible.  I try not to show it in front of my daughter.  I fear that if I talk about it, cry in front of her, she may have a relapse.  I just fear that she's going to remember this for the rest of her life.  She seems to be fine.  Like nothing ever happened.  She's still my little spunky girl at home.  Still plays, laughs, and has fun.  But I feel I just ran into a brick wall going 50 miles an hour.  I've been crying everyday since I found out.  Almost all day.  I can't seem to stop thinking about it.  I hurt so bad knowing that my baby girl was hurt.  That she was touched.  I'm scared I'm never going to get over this.  Well, I'm sure I'm never going to get over it, but I would at least like to get through it.  But how?  I know there's therapy.  For both of us.  I feel that won't even help.  I just wanted to let this all out.  Life just threw me a huge curve ball, and I'm just trying to make it somewhat straight again.  (Too straight is boring).  All I'm really asking for is some support, guidance if you have some, and courage to get through this whole ordeal. 

Thank you for listening. 

by on Jul. 23, 2008 at 2:06 AM
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Replies (1-5):
tnterri
by New Member on Jul. 23, 2008 at 9:41 AM

First off let me say my prayers are with you at this very rough time. I understand exactly how you feel. I am both the mother of the abused and the abuser.  My advice to you is to definately seek counseling for both you and your daughter. She may be only 4 and as you say taking this well. I thought my daughter was handling it well also, but she wasn't. She sees a counselor from the Child Advocacy Center in our area. the people there are use to dealing with children who have been abused. I needed counseling also because I was so very angry with my son and myself. I thought a part of it was my fault. But I know now it wasn't. My daughter was blaming herself for her brother being in jail. But she is slowly coming around to realize it was his actions that got him there...My son the abuser was charged with 2 counts of rape of a child and 2 counts of incest. He is facing at least 15 years if not more in prison...

 

If you need to vent more just message me...I am here and still have some difficulties with what has happened...

TerriS
ClaireSilva
by Group Owner on Jul. 26, 2008 at 10:44 PM

I know you feel like you are in hell now - I know...  my son also disclosed when he was 4. 

But you are stronger than you know.  To instinctively know to be calm and not lose it in front of your daughter shows you are being guided!  Trust your instincts - they are right on!!!

Your daughter will be fine because she has you & yes - you will one day feel peace and strength again!  Life does get better!

Claire

DJMa
by on Jul. 31, 2008 at 10:54 PM

I'm so sorry you & your daughter have to go through this.  My daughter had just turned 5 when my son's 12 yo former best friend started assaulting her.  My daughter is also seemingly doing ok for now.  I would SO recommend you have a good therapist evaluate your daughter just to make sure she's doing alright.  PLEASE take care of yourself!!!  It sounds like you've handled this all VERY well so far ... keeping composed through all the fact finding, exam ... ugh, I know how hard it was ... I thought I was going to be sick.  I'll keep you in my thoughts & prayers.  (((hugs)))

-DJMa

TeresaJones5
by on Aug. 1, 2008 at 4:37 PM

You did great by staying calm when talking to her. I think that got you more information out of her being calm then if you got hot under the collar. She needs you to be strong for her right now. I would strongly suggest therepy for your daughter, you and your fiancee he needs to know that this is going to be a trying time for you and your daughter.

How is her bio dad taking this?

The only other thing I can say is just be there for your daughter she needs to feel safe again. If she is into stuffed animals maybe go to build a bear and have her make an animal that will "protect" her at night and if/when she has to go and testify.

Hope this helps. Keep your chin up, your doing great. I wish I had a mother like you to protect me.

mmgoodman
by New Member on Nov. 8, 2008 at 5:48 PM

I fully agree this will take a lot of time to heal but one day you all will. Just keep doing everything you are doing. Make sure she stays in counsling. God Bless all of you.

Quoting ClaireSilva:

I know you feel like you are in hell now - I know...  my son also disclosed when he was 4. 

But you are stronger than you know.  To instinctively know to be calm and not lose it in front of your daughter shows you are being guided!  Trust your instincts - they are right on!!!

Your daughter will be fine because she has you & yes - you will one day feel peace and strength again!  Life does get better!

Claire


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