Was it physically strenuous? ...sigh...4.5+ hours of drving 1 way...so yeah...physically strenuous...
Was it mentally draining? lowers head ...the questions...the thoughts...the conversations...oh...all of the above...which ties into...
Was it emotionally interactive? ~ ...one has no clue...
Spiritually? ...I cannot even go there...I just don't know...can explain...want to...anything as far as commenting...
Just thinking about it makes my stomach churn in agony...but how could I not?
8 January 2012 at 2am
I sat and I wrote...throughout the time it was 2:30am to the time it was time to go, I sparatically wrote to her...I wanted it to be perfect...as perfect as could be...I am sure there could be some changes...but it was what I could think of...it came from my heart and my head...
My boyfriend came home from work and I fell apart in his arms, but he aided me in seeing some things before I went back to writing and then all of a sudden, it was time to take a shower, then time to leave...so I did...and I was gone and on the road... Some how the time and distance flew by quicker than I thought and I was at the hospital...I was there...and it was time.
I sat in the parking lot for a bit to breathe and when I was ready, I got out of the car to go into the hospital to sign her out and do the paperwork. Today was the day...
The therapist apologized for the insurance...but it wasn't her fault...the discharge person apologized for the hospital policy...it was not her fault...the other person apologized and so on and so forth and the eyes laid upon us were sadder and sadder as they all knew where we were going and what I had to do, they saw the pain...but they dare not say a word...for what could they say? It would be a lie to say "It'll be ok..."; for how would they know?
She and I went to the apartment. We had bits of chatter here and there, but she mainly wanted to hear the music. We arrived, we packed a few things, I finished my letter, her brother decided he wanted to come with, my boyfriend said good-byes and well wishes; and the three of us were off. We returned to the car, pack everything, picked up breakfast and coffee, and we were off to the races.
May potty breaks, may munchy stops, and many gas fill ups later; with plenty of talking, listening, and music in between; 4+ hours later, tearfully...I pulled into the parking lot of the hospital...
I pulled into the directory area and stared blankly at the map until a police officer arrived and guided me to the admissions area as there was several acres worth of buildings.
I parked and we sat in the car for a minute or two before getting out. When we did, the clouds overcast and the sun disappeared..."perfect"...I thought...
The kids and I walked up to the covered area and were let into the restricted building. We were checked in and the process from that point began...sigh...lowers head...
I began to do the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life...check my daughter in to be commited to become property of the state...all because of her mental and emotional disturbances from everything...
The insurance company dropped her as a patient saying she would not be a benefit of their services and as of Sunday, they released her of their obligations. She is too dangerous to be within a normal class structure...let alone the fact that she is still trying to hurt herself, plus more...
I hate admitting this...I hated having to admit this...
My daughter needs more help than I can give her on my own on a daily basis...
I feel so ashamed...I feel so weak...
So at the hospital, the doctors and nurses did the assessments...they did vitals...asked histories...took notes...went through things...and had us under the microscope...sigh...because that had not been the case for the past 2.5 years...sigh...
She said she knew what was happening as I explained it to her. She said she even wanted it because her anger problems were bad and she knew wanting to do certain things were wrong. It made me proud to know she recognized the problems and wanted to get better, but hurt that we were going to be separated for a long time...again...this time...much longer than 5 months...according to the doctors...this time...possibly...sigh...
I don't want to go there...
She said she needed this to get better...sigh...how many kids can say they know that? ...sigh...I am so proud of her...but it hurts to be away for so long...I miss her already and it hasn't been but less than 12 hours since I left...
So the doctors and nurses do their thing and they say "that's it" and "you can go now"...
...from 11am-4pm...poking and proding in all ways...and then...that's it...go away...lowers head...but...my baby girl...I'm leaving a piece of my soul behind...and I don't want to...
I give her hugs...lots of hugs...and kisses...lots of kisses...and the note...and hugs...
Then the people escort me out the door...and it locks...and I just look in...and see her there...
...sigh...
I feel so empty...so broken hearted...I have never felt such pain...
And yet I wonder...do I ask for it? Do I bring it upon myself?
http://lettersforlidia.com
...for I would not wish this upon my worst enemy...
Susan MeeLing
http://lettersforlidia.com
I wish I could help but not sure there is anything anyone could do for you. I am here if you need to talk. You can pm me anytime.
Hopefully things will get better. I do understand what it's like to feel helpless. Is your family there for you or other friends?
Hey!! I'm new.
- susan_meeling
on Jan. 9, 2012 at 2:24 AM