My Kevin and I became formerly engaged this weekend. His 28 yo daughter is very unhappy and isnt hesitating to let him know. I have yet to meet her and yet I already expected to be the intruder and have no upset about it. I was a step child once myself and so I expected some resentment. We live in Georgia and she lives in Brooklyn, New York. She made it clear from the start that she had no desire to participate or have any knowledge of her father's relationship with me. I understood that and told him that he needed to give it time. Eventually I thought she would see me as something other than the enemy. Compounding the fact her father is engaged, they just lost her mom and their daughter has been unable to cope with the loss of her mother. She resents her dad's ability to move on in life when she cant. I offered to email her and introduce myself and assure her that I would never come between her and her dad. I explained this to all of his other children and they came to accept to me with open warmth. She is the only one I havent met and I do hate that. Her father and I have a very healthy relationship and our children have become one family and it means the world to me. I had two kids and now I have 7. I will even be a grandmother in the fall, (although I have forbade being called granny at 40!). I have told my fiance to give it time and his daughter will come to see that I am not a threat. I understand her fear and I have no anger about it. It breaks my heart that she is hurting. It really does. I know she has suffered such an enormous loss and I cant blame her. I ache for her. So, have any of you experienced anything like this and, if so, how did you handle it?
I hate to tell you this, but from the sounds of things, this girl isn't going to accept you. She's an adult not a child and has made her feelings very clear. Accept them. Do not "force" yourself on her, introduce yourself, email her to explain you're no threat. You are to her. Truth is.. it really isn't YOU, she would be this way towards any woman her father was even slightly interested in, let alone one he wants to marry.
I will recommend that you invite her to all family functions, send gifts or cards on appropriate holidays and birthdays. Always (no matter how she treats you - and she'll be awful) ignore the negative and just be sweet, polite and kind to her. When she calls, tell her its good to hear from her and put DF on phone. She won't come around, but your DF will see that you treat her no different then his other children (or yours really)
I completely agree. I told my fiance the same thing. She is an adult and entitled to feel however she wants. I hate that she feels the way she does but I dont have any upset toward her. I would never leave her out of anything. I will always make my home her home as well. I wouldnt have it any other way. I want her to know she has a place to turn to. I understand the way she feels and dont have any animosity toward her. Her father does but I am slowly making him see it differently. SHe is insecure about her place and only time will show her that she has nothing to fear. I want to move forward and make sure she knows she is always welcome but we will continue with or without her. I hope she is going to be a participant but we will keep moving forward. thanks.
I agree with Kelli.....it would be like fighting a losing battle. Just wondering how your fiance is handling her? Regardless of the circumstances, I hope that he stands up for your relationship and remains strong & consistant.
My parents divorced when I was 16 but I never understood why some children (especially adult children) have such hostility. Don't you wonder ........does his daughter want him to be miserable & lonely? If her mother has passed.....then there's no chance of reconcilliation. Is he supposed to mourn her forever? Does she want the responsibility of a single elderly parent.....or would she rather he be independant and happy? I just don't get it.
BTW.....congratulations on your engagement! And on becoming a grandmother!
Awww. Thanks. I am happy about the engagement, Being a grandmother at my age, a little harder to digest. I am looking forward to the baby though! To answer your question, he is handling his daughter exactly as I asked. He is letting her know that he will always love her mother but that her mom would have wanted him to go on with his life and find someone who makes him happy. He has told her that our home will always be her home and she is welcome at any time. We will continue to invite her to be a part of all of our family moments and she is free to join if she wants. She will always be his daughter and nothing will change that. He has made it clear that he plans to continue with his relationship and marriage with me but that I in no way wish to exclude her or have any resentment to her for how she feels right now. He has told her that I do understand and have been there myself. We have her pictures and pictures of her mom in our home and I have no intentions of shutting out any memories of her mother. We have included her in all announcements and the other kids have been filling her in on their future step mom. Of course my Kevin is hurt that she doesnt choose to be a part of the joyous occasions and plans we have coming our way but we have done all that we can do to make his daughter feel welcome and wanted. We have to allow her the freedom to participate. In the meantime, we are continuing with our plans and enjoying our engagement. The rest of the family is wonderful and I couldnt be happier with getting a larger family. I cant have more kids and dont know if I would want to raise another baby but this way we can have it all. We all get together and it is so full of happiness and family. I am in no way a Duggar mom but I love it! I look forward to tomorrow! Thanks so much for your words. It really means a lot. My boys are my only family and CM is a wonderful way to share our joys, sorrows, and fears with other moms.
She is a big girl, behaving like a bratty child. You keep being you, and treat her no differently than any of the others. Hopefully she will grow up before we are all dead.
The daughter may or may not come around with your gentle sweet love. For whatever reason, our children have visions of us always belonging to their father. I have had a man in my life for a few years now but the children have never been happy about it. I don't know if they just think I can do better, or if they still think I should never have separated from their father. The funny fact is that they all seem to accept that he moved on and even remarried after we were separated only two years yet they stay very protective of me.
My children are slowly coming around. My friend worked on my son's home to help him fix it up to move into it, and my son calls him periodically with more problems. My friend is also fixing up my house, something I have waited for thirty years to see happen. I do think this has helped.
But many children have this vision of "Mommy" and "Daddy" always being in tact, and unfortunately us women seem to get the brunt end of that. Somehow the expectations they set on us seem much different from that of Dads.
It seems to me you are doing everything as right as can be. You show a very mature approach to loving his daughter and the fact that you and him are in sync is awesome. I just hope as the years go on that you both remain as convicted to your ethics as you are today, despite her lack of approval.
It is funny that children seem to hold moms at a higher level of restraint when it comes to moving on in life. I dont fear that my fiance and I will have changing views in how to deal with his daughter. I cant ever imagine ever feeling differently as to how to handle the situation. She lost her mom and it would have to be hard to see dad with someone else, especially when she lost her mom at such a young age and as unexpectedly as happened in this situation. My fiance's late wife passed away at 52 by an accidentally overdosed on a new medication she was prescribed. I know that his daughter's objection to me is more about the loss she has endured and not the person that I am. She doesnt know me and she couldnt be making her decisions based on her knowledge of me as a person. She simply sees me as the person who has taken her mother's place. I know that and have no ill will about that. I totally get it. Hopefully in time she will see that I am not a threat and that I have no intention of trying to take her mother's place. I simply hope to show her mother honor by doing my best to take as good of care of her family as she did. If my soon to be step daughter will allow me the opportunity to show her, I will do my best. If not, I will still do my best. I wont change my dedication or effort whether she agrees to give me that opportunity or not. I am fully devoted to taking care of my family, as it is now and as it will be when I marry my fiance. I look forward to the additions and will love them all equally, even the one that doesnt want me to. Thanks for the encouragement and I hope your family will also come around. All you can do is your best and let everyone else decide how they feel. Good luck to you as well.
Hi,I used to be like her.
My mom died 12 years ago.When my step dad would date I felt betrayed like he should hold the torch for my mom.
I also wondered where I would fit in this new equation.Everyone in the family accepting the new women only burned me up more....lol...
I know it is difficult but it isnt about you at all.
You being a sweetheart only makes it harder.There isnt anything to dislike about you:)
A mom and daughter bond is very strong.....even after death.
She is afraid that accepting you means her mom will become extinct completely......that cant happen.
Everyone moves on at different speeds in different ways.....shell come around.....took me about 11 years but I came around.
Good luck,Tia
sThank you for your note. I really appreciate having your view. I am so sorry you lost your mom. You never really lose her. She is with you always. I amd glad you were able to accept your dad's new life and see thta he isnt shutting out the old life. He is doing what we all have to do when we lose someone we love, moving on. I am glad you were able to see that he was not letting go of your mom, only moving forward in life. He will always love her just as you will. Your mom would want you all to be happy. Good for you. Thank You so much for sharing. It meant the world to me to have a daughter's view too.
Quoting MomTiara19:Hi,I used to be like her.
My mom died 12 years ago.When my step dad would date I felt betrayed like he should hold the torch for my mom.
I also wondered where I would fit in this new equation.Everyone in the family accepting the new women only burned me up more....lol...
I know it is difficult but it isnt about you at all.
You being a sweetheart only makes it harder.There isnt anything to dislike about you:)
A mom and daughter bond is very strong.....even after death.
She is afraid that accepting you means her mom will become extinct completely......that cant happen.
Everyone moves on at different speeds in different ways.....shell come around.....took me about 11 years but I came around.
Good luck,Tia
Perhaps honouring her mother with flowers at her gravesite and pictures of you and the father placing them there, in this way letting her know you care and that her mother won't be forgotten.
Cant be me! - Turning 40 *****ADDITION******
- DAHLONEGAMOMMY
on Jul. 26, 2011 at 1:48 PM