Im tired, hurt, angry, and heartbroken at the same time.

[DAHLONEGAMOMMY]

I have posted in other groups about my current situation but I need to have someone who has been there to relate to. I have two beautiful sons, ages 17 and14. They are wonderful boys who have made being a single mom much easier than it could be. They choose their friends wisely, do ok in school, are well mannered and polite, the teen angst has been low, they dont ask for much, and are and always have been nothing less than a blessing to me. Their father and I divorced 12 years ago. The courts awarded me a whopping $25/week of child support. He has rarely ever paid it. For twelve years I have had to sit by and watch him buy my kids off while I was struggling just to keep a roof over them. At times, I down right begged him for help and he did nothing. My second husband walked out on us three years ago. In a matter of a minute, I found myself homeless and penniless. I didnt even have a car. I had take the boys to a women's shelter because I had no where else to go. Throughout the time we were there he only gave me money a couple of times. Since that time, I have managed to provide us with a beautiful home that I alone pay for. I bought a car. Nothing new but dependable and no car payment. I even managed to put back a little savings. I was proud that my ex leaving us the way he did didnt break me. Then, in February, I lost my job to cut backs. I have not been able to find another in all that time. I have sent out 185 resumes and gone on maybe 6 interviews and nothing. I do get unemployment but it isnt enough to cover all of our bills. I had no choice but to use the saving to make up the difference. My fiance proposed in July and moved in with us last month. He was always here anyway and we figured we could both save some money. The day the uhaul arrived at his house to pack his things, he found out he lost his job through no fault of his own. He does get a small disability from the US Army but it is not enough to pay all the bills here. After months of anticipation, today I dont enough money to cover our rent. I couldnt even give my two boys the money they needed to get into their high school football game tonight. My youngest is in the band but he needs money to cover drinks and a snack because they dont get home until very late. I have my attorney working on a modification for the child support but we may have to wait several months to get a hearing. 

So, I am sitting here hoping and praying for something to open up for me so that I wont lose our home. I have been sitting here worrying for months on end about how long I will be able to keep us afloat. I am awake all day and most of the night terrified I will let my boys down. I sit here and feel like the worst mother in the world because I cant support my family the way I wish I could. My ex, remarried in the Spring, bought a nice house, two new cars, all kinds of things for all the kids. He and his wife tried to take my 14yo and for a week I didnt get to see or talk to him. I had to pay my attorney to get him back. I have a text from them admitting that they did that because they wanted to get out of any of the support my ex hasnt paid in 12 years and to get at me. I have this in writing. They do everything they can to make me miserable and I can provide countless texts and emails to prove it. Yet despite all that, I am the only one sitting here feeling guilty for not being able to take car of my kids the way they deserve. I am the one who feels guilty that I dont have the money to attend the football game so I can see my son play in the halftime show. I am the one sitting here with only one contact lens because I dont have the money to get a replacement. I am the one sitting here worried about being able to house us. I am the one who feels like a failure. 

I recently realized something about the double standard in situations like this. I overheard someone talking about my situation and the comment was this, "I cant believe she hasnt found a job. She needs to get another job before she cant feed those boys or take care of them. Maybe they should go live with their dad. At least he has a job." After hearing the details of my situation, this person took away from the conversation only that I wasnt working and that evidently means I am a bad mom. However, as of yet, no one has looked at my situation and said this, "If their father would help support those kids maybe she wouldnt have to worry about losing her home or being able to provide for her children." The only thing people see is a mom not working and it doesnt matter why. I am still the one in the wrong and their father is shining under the glow of his halo.