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My update... after my loss again.

Posted by on Sep. 28, 2010 at 11:40 AM
  • 29 Replies

Well ladies... this is gonna be kinda scrambled up im sure bc my thoughts are everywhere so please bare with me and if you make it through this congrats LOL

As some of you know I found out in August that I was preg.  I found out at like 6-8 weeks along.  Was so excited bc if you read my journals I wasnt really "trying" or pulling out all the ttc stops.  I was so suprised and I really felt like God had finally granted my prayers by suprising us.  I waited a couple weeks to tell my friends and extended family til bloodwork was completed.  I was already past the dreaded 6 weeks mark where I lost the other 2 babies.  So I felt comfy with telling a few people.  I had this feeling though the whole time that it just didnt feel real and to keep it hush hush.  My doc had me doing repeated blood work bc of my past miscarriages and I had a lil spotting.  The numbers were fantastic.  Then one day I went back and got my results and they didnt double...they only raised like 400 points.  So...  I of course went back the next day and the same result.  Frantically.. I was like oh God no :(  My doc was really good to me he sent me back again to do repeated bloodwork...and that time...  my numbers cut in half.  I was spastic.  I had to sit in the waiting room with all the big pregnant people....I saw them take the goodie bag away from my room door.  You know the bag with all the preg magazines, coupon, and odds and ends...I fought back crying hysterically.  To see the look on my hubs face of disappointment.  We both felt like failures.

I dont really remember the end of my docs appt.  My doc felt so bad for us.  I kept praying for a miracle holding out all my faith.  I was so mad and upset at God.  I kept saying why??  You gave me this baby and now your gonna take it away??  I dont get it-- what is wrong with me?  Do you hate me??  I already loved this baby so much...we had tried for over 2 years for her.  Hubs took me to Dennys afterwards... I couldnt eat. think. operate.   I spent the rest of the night in the bed crying my eyes out.  I would be fine one minute and the next burst out in tears.  Over the next few days, I felt a little better. My doc did not want to schedule a d&c bc I just had surgery in April so he said if he could aviod one all together for my bodies sake thats what he wanted to do.  So...I have carried around a baby...that has no heartbeat, no life to it whatsoever, for over 4 weeks.  Can you say torture??  I hid the positive pregnancy tests from myself.  I cant stand to look at them it hurts too badly.  One day I will be able to take them outta the drawer and create a memory of the baby. 

Now, I sit and wait.  Each day with every pregnancy symptom still in tact.  Baby bump in tact.  People asking me how everything is.  Women being so cold about a miscarriage-- oh youll have another one, try again.  I cant move on, I cant try again until I rid myself of this current failed pregnancy.  Oh how I would have loved to hold this baby and kiss her face.  Instead I get to be cruelly tortured each and every single day. 

Bitter??  Yeah you could say so.  Im not so mad at God.  Im still hurt and confused. 

Started passing the baby on Friday.  I am glad to be able to move on but sad that the only thing tying me to my pregnancy is gone.  I hope and I pray that one day I will have another.  I made it to 12 weeks and 4 days gestational age.

Thanks for everyones kind words and support throughout this entire ordeal.  I dont think I am ready to try again or jump on the ttc bandwagon.  My doc gave me clomid again but I dont think I can mentally stand to set myself up for another pregnancy and worry myself sick rather I got it right this time. 

Love you guys.


by on Sep. 28, 2010 at 11:40 AM
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Replies (1-10):
jenniferw10
by on Sep. 28, 2010 at 11:43 AM

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope GOD blesses you with the time to heal and the strength you need. **HUGS**

S.Street
by on Sep. 28, 2010 at 11:44 AM
Much love. We are here for you.
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nlelias
by on Sep. 28, 2010 at 11:48 AM
Oh my you just made me cry reading this post. I am so so sorry for your loss(es) my heart aches for you. I pray you get a full term healthy pregnancy when the time is right.. And I pray you have no more losses.
Xo Lexie
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plzbpreggo
by on Sep. 28, 2010 at 12:06 PM
i am ver sorry for your loss and can completey relate to your pain ... After trying for almost five years i too became pregnant two months ago with a ectopic pregnancy and although im kinda ttc and yet kinda not i still think about my prior two pregnancys it really does hurt.. And make u feel less of a woman but ull pull threw just give urself time to heal as you said ... Ur in my prayers and u can message me anytime you want to talk
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Pumbaa23
by on Sep. 28, 2010 at 12:30 PM
I'm sorry for your loss. Don't know what to say, but I pray you heal emotionally. Will keep you in my prayers.
strawberryLVR
by Silver Member on Sep. 28, 2010 at 12:33 PM

Hugs and loves, just grieve if u need too. cry as well. create something for yourself in place of the heartache so that you are not putting the past in the future. You are a strong women who is getting only stronger with your trials. You will persevere and have your healthy baby. why? because you want it! and tough people get what they want! take some time to heal, and we are here for you when you need us

blemoine
by on Sep. 28, 2010 at 12:51 PM

Wow I am so sorry!

emsmom01
by on Sep. 28, 2010 at 12:56 PM

My heart is breaking for you...I am so sorry for your loss ((HUGS))

FLAngel981
by on Sep. 28, 2010 at 12:56 PM

I am so sorry. I don't know what that is like myself, so I can't say I know how you feel, but one of my dearest friends also made it to 12 weeks with her first baby only to find out that her baby had no heartbeat as well. She called me after her appointment and we cried together on the phone. There is nothing you can really say to make you feel better, but know that our thoughts are with you. And, yes, a time to heal is necessary. Just know that people saying those things like you can try again, probably don't really know what to say. It is hard for some people to even empathize if they have never experienced a loss like that. 


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"Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare." - Ed Asner



ncbirdie
by on Sep. 28, 2010 at 1:03 PM

I know you said it seems heartless of others to say it, but you can try again.  Trust me, I know how much it hurts.  I've lost two this year alone.  We weren't trying this cycle and I'm sitting here pregnant for the third time this year hoping to God that I don't lose this one too.  I have a wonderful midwife who is working with me. Did a complete blood panel yesterday to see if the reason I keep losing the babies is because something is wrong with me and put me on prometrium just in case.

Yes, you can try again.  But don't do it just to try again.  Do it because you're ready.  Do it becuase you want to.  In the meantime, mourn your loss.  Be as bitter as you feel you need to be.  You'll let it go when you're ready.

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