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Any mom's of teens??? (OT rant.... need help please!!!!!) PIOG

Posted by on Mar. 2, 2011 at 7:44 AM
  • 10 Replies

Okay ladies, I know that some of you have older children so I figured I'd try here.....

We had a massive blow up last night with my 16yo son. He's had coping and behavioral issues since he was quite young.... my last marriage was bad and I've dealt with a lot of guilt over this. These last few years have been better although I'll admit that I coddle him a bit... pick my battles.... let some things slide that I probably shouldn't. Anyway it all started last night over dinner plans. My DH works 12 hour thirds so I thought I'd take just the kids out to eat. My middle teenage son asked to please stay home cause he had homework, was tired etc... so I said yes and that we'd bring him something. So all hell breaks lose.. Now no one wants to go. They are fighting over the tv, the wii... you name it their fighting over. I make the command decision that everyone's going now and I don't want to hear anything about it. My 16 yo proceeds tell me to fuck off!!! Are you serious?! He has issues with his mouth before but I will not stand for this. We go through the whole "you will not disrespect me like that", and "this is my house and I will not be treated like that".. and he laughs at me! Well it boils down to me attempting to smack his face (sorry if that sounds harsh to some but I'd more than had my fill at this point) and ending up with shoving and punches being thrown. He storms out the door and my 9yo is on the floor crying for her brother to come home.

He finally came home last night and went to bed. We've tried counseling in the past to no avail... in fact it honestly made things worse. I tried to talk to him this morning and of course he wasn't having that. I'm not backing down... I won't have him disrespect me like that. But I love my son and I want him to talk to me. I want things better. I actually took his skate board and guitar with me this morning and told him that if he could have a civil conversation with me he could have it back.

Any thoughts ladies??? My god, how do you get through to a kid who doesn't care?!?!?!

by on Mar. 2, 2011 at 7:44 AM
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Replies (1-10):
ann202124
by on Mar. 2, 2011 at 8:11 AM

I have a 15 yr old I feel your pain really I do.I would take it all every thing games tv phone all of it.Until he earns it back .And It would be one thing at a time I would do .There has to be some reward he gets but show him your not playing.He will be a better person for it.Huggs momma!!

kellynh
by on Mar. 2, 2011 at 8:14 AM

YUP... and I'm going to be harsh too!!! So.. now would be the time to stop reading if you don't want to hear it!!

Basically... you reap what you sow.... and this is what you have. Yet another teen in the world who thinks that the world owes him a favor. You admit to "coddling" him "a little.... which generally means that you gave him what he wanted to make things simplier. Well... this is where it brought you. So.. tell me, do you also coddle your 9yo?

As I said, I was going to be harsh... and yes.. my dd is almost 19 and I have been there... but she was raised to have RESPECT for adults. Was there times she refered to me as a b@$#h... yup, but NEVER to my face.

As to what to do, I am going to give you the best advise I can. That being said, I have doubts you are strong enough or willing to do it. I think you will let him get away with this crap to keep the "peace" (but not happiness) in your house.

Law reqires three basic things for your kids, you have to feed them, clothe them and house them. Bring it to the basics. Strip his room of everything except 5 changes of clothes. No tv, wii... get them out of the house... totally... CELL PHONE gone, computer gone and probably the ipod ect... whatever he has. Don't cook anything or keep anything snacky in the house. You need to bring him to a level that he is going to have to show respect, ask for things and earn them back. Oh and he will Curse at you, punch walls, threaten to run away or kill himself... whichever is dramatic enough to have you give in. Don't.... because if you do... he will never see WHY he has to change.

From someone who worked with runaways, teen drug abuse, pregnancy prevention, ect.....

crossermom
by on Mar. 2, 2011 at 9:07 AM

I've actually done these things. So do I just let him leave when he tries?

crossermom
by on Mar. 2, 2011 at 9:48 AM

bump

gump
by on Mar. 2, 2011 at 10:27 AM

 Right now, my son lives in a room with blank white walls, a weeks worth of clothes and his bed, dresser and desk.  And I am nowhere near where you are with attitude.  His is for D's in school and being disrespectful.  I told him the other day, that if he kept up his crap and expected me to be his maid then he'd be cooking for himself too.  Now granted...my son is 12 not 16 but I'm trying to catch it before he gets worse.

Stick to your guns.  Convince yourself that he is going to hate you for a while and that you can take it.  That you HAVE TO take it. 

I used to be a Drill Sergeant for a juvenile detention bootcamp with the Sheriffs Office and the teens were like that when they got to us.  By the time they left 3 months later, they were crying and calling me "Mom".  Maybe you can look into if your area offers anything like that?

Good luck!

ann202124
by on Mar. 4, 2011 at 12:13 AM

 Tell him if he walks out the door you will call the police on him for running away he will stay or go but you have to stick to your guns momma demand his respect.Tough love .Its ok to have it show him you love him but you are not going to put up with his s$#%.

Quoting crossermom:

I've actually done these things. So do I just let him leave when he tries?


MizSaydee
by on Mar. 4, 2011 at 12:22 AM

You can't really...you can't force him into a conversation he doesn't want to have. Instead of being a pushover as well as "overbearing", try just to sit with him one on one, calmly and ask him what is bothering him. Now, I'm 23, but my husband and I took care of my 16 year old foster brother for a while and he has a lot of emotional issues and issues in general, and he just wanted someone to listen to him. Also, he may have some resentment towards you. 

You sound like you are kinda like my mom. She coddled my brother like crazy at one point, but in the next point she'd be overbearing and he'd just laugh at her. She gave up pretty much and let him do what he wanted. 

I am in no way qualified to give you an answer about raising a teenager, but I used to be a teenager and can say that teens are stubborn and never listen and hate everyone. 

Good luck...

 

MomInLove4
by on Mar. 4, 2011 at 12:35 AM


Quoting crossermom:

Okay ladies, I know that some of you have older children so I figured I'd try here.....

We had a massive blow up last night with my 16yo son. He's had coping and behavioral issues since he was quite young.... my last marriage was bad and I've dealt with a lot of guilt over this. These last few years have been better although I'll admit that I coddle him a bit... pick my battles.... let some things slide that I probably shouldn't. Anyway it all started last night over dinner plans. My DH works 12 hour thirds so I thought I'd take just the kids out to eat. My middle teenage son asked to please stay home cause he had homework, was tired etc... so I said yes and that we'd bring him something. So all hell breaks lose.. Now no one wants to go. They are fighting over the tv, the wii... you name it their fighting over. I make the command decision that everyone's going now and I don't want to hear anything about it. My 16 yo proceeds tell me to fuck off!!! Are you serious?! He has issues with his mouth before but I will not stand for this. We go through the whole "you will not disrespect me like that", and "this is my house and I will not be treated like that".. and he laughs at me! Well it boils down to me attempting to smack his face (sorry if that sounds harsh to some but I'd more than had my fill at this point) and ending up with shoving and punches being thrown. He storms out the door and my 9yo is on the floor crying for her brother to come home.

He finally came home last night and went to bed. We've tried counseling in the past to no avail... in fact it honestly made things worse. I tried to talk to him this morning and of course he wasn't having that. I'm not backing down... I won't have him disrespect me like that. But I love my son and I want him to talk to me. I want things better. I actually took his skate board and guitar with me this morning and told him that if he could have a civil conversation with me he could have it back.

Any thoughts ladies??? My god, how do you get through to a kid who doesn't care?!?!?!


This broke my heart after I read the part where he talked to you like that. What I am wondering is where does your DH stand in all of this? Why hasn't he done something about it?

I think you will probably get him more to open up if there was a man talking to him rather than the Mom, but I am not familiar with the situation or even if they have a relationship....I do agree with Kellynh....sorry have to cut the response short since DF and I just had some bickering ...hope you work things out with your son. It can't be easy for you.

Mrs.Torres2566
by on Mar. 4, 2011 at 12:55 AM

 My SS was like that. He punched me once and tried to push me down the stairs. I love him but his issues were so severe that we had to make the heart wrenching decision to send him to live with my SIL in Florida. (He was hurting my 2 younger SS's as well and brought drugs in the house and tried to get the boys to do them with him) Sometimes when you love someone so much you got to do a little tough love. A couple months after we sent him away he called and said he was sorry and that he missed and loved us. And he was completely civil when we down to visit in December.

crossermom
by on Mar. 4, 2011 at 7:32 AM


Quoting MomInLove4:

 

 


This broke my heart after I read the part where he talked to you like that. What I am wondering is where does your DH stand in all of this? Why hasn't he done something about it?

I think you will probably get him more to open up if there was a man talking to him rather than the Mom, but I am not familiar with the situation or even if they have a relationship....I do agree with Kellynh....sorry have to cut the response short since DF and I just had some bickering ...hope you work things out with your son. It can't be easy for you.

His Dad lives three hours away. We went through years of emotional and some physical abuse while we were married. My now husband (step dad) wasn't there the night this happened. He was raised with 10 brothers and sisters and was beaten for far less than this. He does not have the abusive tendencies, although he is military and there is some crap he won't put up with. My boys (teens) are still in that "you are not my dad phase". I dated my dh for over a year before he even met the kids because I wanted to make sure he was the one first... I didn't want to parade men in and out of their lives. Dh does get involved, although he knows that i prefer to handle things a bit more diplomatically. My son has been without all of his worldly possessions for 2 days now. It's still "get the f*#@ out of my room" to his brother and sister. He mainly just stares at me with a shitty look on his face, slams things and won't talk. I'm going to give him another day or so to calm down and then try to talk. "Look, if you want your stuff back (ever) than this is what is going to happen". It's really hard for me, because I see him hurting so much.

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