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i am finely giving up on TTC (long story)

Posted by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 3:20 PM
  • 6 Replies

after so many years i thought that i would finely be able to leave with a happy note, be one of those woman with a "miracle" baby but that isnt going to happen. i relise that now more then i ever have before. the up and downs are too much and more then what i get back in return. im so very angry, and bitter. 

i just found out that both of my tubes are blocked, one completely and the other over 70%, i guess getting them tied like i wanted to not so long ago would have really been a waste of time and money.  on top of the fact that i dont ovulate regulary my chances of getting pregnant are pretty much 0%.  i could try drugs and IVF which is about my only option at this point, but at about 15K for just one cycle with no promise it will work. i know that its a choice i dont have, there is no way we can afford that.

i dont know how to feel except angry. so many years of broken hopes and dreams and the one dream that i have fought so hard to hold on to is another one i am forced to give up. at 30 years old its a hard pill to swollow even if there was a sugar coating on it. we have talked adoption but at the moment we dont quallify and it could be another 2 or more years before we can. mean while my sister is expecting her second, she just found out last week. about the same time my dreams were being crushed. and there is 2 other new babies coming into the family in the next few months as well. its just another bitter reminder that i am useless as a woman. if i lived in a country where i was expected to have babies or die, i would be dead. i wont name those countries but we all know about the ones where the rights of a woman is pretty much non existent and they are pretty much treated like property. or maybe i should live there, i pretty much have few things to live for anyways so why not!?

 

my SO tries to help, tries to understand how i feel, but he's a man. a man that can go and have kids which who ever he wants, i spend all day with HIS child from his first wife and its just another reminder of that fact. i would cry but for what? there's no way my tears will fix whats wrong or that it would ever do any good, its very clear to me that i was never ment to have a family of my own. i was never ment to be a mother, GOD has made that very clear and nowthat its shoved in my face as clear as day with a giant sign on it i really have no reason to keep hoping and trying.

i havent told my sister, i dont want to. not that she would ever ask because she knows how touchy the subject has been in the past. we have never been close as it is and i have no one else to turn to or who understands how i feel. infertillity doesnt run in my family, i have never known anyone to have problems with having babies. infact everyone else is as fertile as a flower garden!!!!!!! so this is a berden that i have to carry alone and i cant tell you how angry i am!!!!!

i dont see a place to go from here, where can you go? is there a place for woman like me or is it just the end of the road, we force ourselfs to smile but we are really crying inside? there was so much i wanted to have in my life, so much i had hoped for and now i wont get to have any of it. is 30 too old to make new dreams? and what can someone dream after they have been forced to dream again!?

i dont know, i really dont. all i feel is empty and alone.

by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 3:20 PM
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Replies (1-6):
akushniroff
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 3:36 PM

I totally understand how you feel.  If I don't get pregnant this cycle I am done. Which I know I won't. I feel as if I have no purpose in this life.  I'll be praying that you find a way to move on and find joy. God must have a reason for this infertility is all that I can figure.

hypnautica
by Jennifer on Apr. 25, 2012 at 3:38 PM

Oh my goodness I am so sorry your having such a rough time. I am crying right now after reading your post. I know the feeling and what your going through. I am 31 and we have been trying for 5 1/2 yrs now with no luck. No one knows the hurt and anger we go through day after day. No one in my family has ever had problems getting pregnant. My cousin did take about a 1 1/2 yrs to have her 1st then about 4 yrs after her 1st she had a miscarriage but she is now pregnant again but other than that everyone looks at a man and gets pregnant. So when I talk to someone in my family about it they do listen but its kinda like talking to the wall because they have no clue. 


Have you ever done any research on other clinics that offer IVF at a cheaper price? The clinic I am going to now it is still high but for $18,000 you get 4 tries and if you dont bring home a baby from the hospital you get 90% back. It is always worth looking into another state that is close by as well to see if they are cheaper. 

If you ever wanna talk send me a message I will be more than glad to listen and if you need advice on something with infertility I will help as much as I can. Just remember you are never alone in the infertility boat, even though I know it feels like it. Good luck to you and I hope everything works out for you.


hypnautica
by Jennifer on Apr. 25, 2012 at 3:40 PM

You may also wanna google your area and see if anyone is doing any clinical trials on IVF.

AmesGirl
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 3:46 PM
Ive done all the testing, charted..etc and there is no conclusive evidence that I can't conceive. But as surely as I want my own baby, I have also known I will never be able to. Almost two years and LOTs of sex later, thete is NO reason why I shouldnt be able to conceive. There are babies evrerywhere. I have the midas pregnancy touch. A close friend I chat to on here just concrieved! So I understand every emotion you feel. Im not your age, but I just know that its not going to happen. I dont have the money for IFV or adoption. He has children so he will never understand. I feel alone. And the drs dont believe me. Something is WRONG. But everything has come back 'normal' multiple times. No insurance, so no one will take my case seriously. Im so done.
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pryn4amiracle
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 3:59 PM

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I'm gonna keep you in my prayers. I hope you feel better soon!!

You know some clinics do a free IVF every year, but you have to sign up. You could look into that too. If you're interested, I can send you some links about financial help and grants for IVF. Let me know. That's what we're gonna have to do if I don't get pregnant by the end of this year. 

Please don't give up. There's always hope. 


hugs

piratepixie
by Bronze Member on Apr. 25, 2012 at 4:00 PM

i dont know what to say really, im so angry at the moment that i dont want to affend anyone. this problem doesnt run in my family. everyone has 3 or more kids. my grandparents had 13 kids on my dad's side and 8 on my mom's. i come from a VERY big family so to hear all this and for the doctor to tell me that i pretty much have no hope of getting pregnant on my own was a blow i wasnt expecting. even if i dropped the 60 lbs i was thinking was the problem it wouldnt help. my weight is the least of my worries, i keep looking at everything and reading things and i get even more depressed over it. the SO says that we can try the IVF, he had brought it up before we found out what was wrong but now that its my only choice i just want to cry. all the joy i was hoping to have in getting pregnant and having kids is pretty much gone. he knows how much i wanted to have a baby of my own, how importent it was for me to have that experence in my life and its not going to happen. 

cant afford to travel, cant afford to get the IVF, dont quallify to adopt. what else is there? is this my life, what it was ment to be? because if so i really dont want it. i want a refund!!!!!!!!!

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