It has been 6 months since we lost our son. Liam Russell 11.23.11
We were 20 weeks along in our pregnancy when out of nowhere I had some spotting. I didnt think anything of it because it was just a little bleeding. I had heard that spotting can be very normal. With some pushing from my Mother In Law I decided to call the Dr. I knew we had our 20 week appt. in just a few days so I assumed why not go now.. That way we are not only assurred the baby is ok but hey we might get to find out the sex of the baby a few days earlier than we thought.. Our youngest daughter, almost 4 at the time was promised she could go to our next appt to see the baby.. so when the Dr said to come on in we told her she could come too (that turned out to be the biggest regret we have through all this)
At the Drs. office the Dr tells me how normal bleeding is but just in case she wants to check my cervix.. Cervix looks good so lets do the heart monitor and you'll be on your way she says.. Thats when it all started. No heart beat. Of course I still didnt think anything was wrong because the last sonogram we had the tech told us the baby was so far behind the placenta making it hard for her to get a good reading on the heart beat. The Dr. didnt seem at all concerned at that time either so when we went on in to do the sonogram I was getting so excited to have our daughter there to see the baby. Plus we were finally going to find out the sex..
As soon as the monitor came up everything changed for me. I saw that the baby was not moving. I started to get a horrible feeling in my gut. After 5 of the longest minutes of my life the tech left the room to get the Dr. At that time I already started hyterically crying even though the tech had said nothing to me. The Dr. comes in and takes a look at the monitor and finally the words I was terrified to hear came out of her mouth. "Im so sorry".
In shock I reluctantly went home with the intention of giving birth on my own. 3 days later my son was born. I thank god everyday I had that time with him. Touching and seeing our son made saying goodbye a little easier for me. We had a funeral service for him a few days later.
There was never a conclusive answer as to what happened to our son. The Dr. suspected a cord accident after all our blood work came back negative for any other possible reasons. I did have 2 copies of the MTHFR but apparently my homosistein levels were fine indicating that it wasnt an issue.
I am the only one who seems to want to talk about my son. My husband has a hard time dealing with loss so he rather not discuss it at all. My mother and family act like nothing happened at all.
My sons name is Liam Russell :)
My husband and I took 2 months off from trying again to grieve and heal physically. We started trying again in February and sadly we did get pregnant but immediately lossed the pregnancy. March through May- No luck..
Is it wrong to want a baby so bad because the pain of losing my son is unbearable?
Thanks for reading!