I'm going on 5 years ttc, and it's seemingly getting harder and harder. Especially lately. There will be months that my husband and I don't try. That I don't really "think" about it. Although, it's always on my heart. And then I will have a month like this last cycle... when all of a sudden I spot brown at 8dpo and my heart skips a beat... and I start to think... What if... and then wouldn't you know it.. I'm late. This month I was 8 days late... the longest ever. My cycles are usually pretty normal between 28-34 days. Through testing, my Dr. said that I don't always ovulate, and prescribed clomid. I was a little nervous about the side-effects so at the time, I decided not to take it, but I'm re-thinking that.
I really thought I was pregnant. Of course, this wasn't the only month I thought that, but.. I was starting to get convinced. Taking test after test waiting for my positive to show up. (I've never seen a positive pregnancy test.) On memorial day, I got my period. I was crushed. That familiar feeling crept up. I tried not to spend all day in bed crying like I normally do, I wanted to be strong this time. For the most part, I held it together. I just wanted to give up.
Sorry this is long ladies, I just have to get this out.
So I go back to work. One of my good friends is pregnant with her 6th precious baby (there are an abundance of pregnant women at my work) I had to break the news that I started. In a way I think she was almost as crushed as I was. I have a network of three wonderful friends at work who have been so hopeful for me as they ask me everyday at the lunch table if I had my positive, or if I have any other symptoms. Well, we moved on...
Then today, my friend Brittany came to me. (she's part of the three.) Brittany is one of the sweetest girls I know. Anyway, she comes to me today and tells me as sweet as she can that she is "unintentionally pregnant." She wanted to let me know because she didn't want me to hear from anyone else. She was very apologetic, as the pregnancy I thought I had... she had. I told her not to apologize because my journey is something that is almost uncontrollable and I was happy for her. My heart sunk. Not because of her pregnancy, but yet, just the way things have seemed to work out. like.. pure torture. I get so emotional and I hate it. It's uncontrollable and painful. My heart just breaks. I had to lock my computer and excuse myself to the restroom. I clutched the wall as I entered the stall and just had to catch my breath. I silently broke down. Such a pain, I can't describe. I don't write this for pity, just to let it out. If you pray, please keep me in your prayers. The emotional heartbreak of infertility is really getting to me lately. Prayers and love to all of you ladies. Thanks for reading :)