So we are on our 21st cycle ttc and it kills me more and more as time passes. I want it so bad but am so synical at this point that it will never happen for us again.
I mean i am so thankful for the kids we have but at the same time feel our family is far from complete. It will be 2 years in dec and as our kids grow the want for another just gets stronger and everything just gets harder. I have stopped tracking it has just gotten to be too much. I just try to forget everything and go with the flow like it doesn't bother me, although it does deeply. More than even dh knows.
When af shows its the hardest. But its not much easier any other time of the month. My cousin got pregnant since we have been trying by total accident and it was twins. She couldn't even afford the 2 year old she already had better yet her twins that were totally accidental. They're about 4-6 months old now. I distance myself a lot bc it hurts so much. Now my other cousin is about 4-5 months pregnant. My friend popped up pregnant by accident with her 3rd right after we started trying and that baby is over 1 now.... Its so depressing.
So i am at a loss and just don't know what to do from here. No doctor will help and i don't understand or see why but they wont. They're just useless. My period before this one my cycle was 68 days long and i went in and still they would do nothing.
I have gone into total depression mode where i dont interact with my kids much or dh, don't want to go out of the house or talk to or see anyone. I just can't shake the feeling. I burst into tears at any given time. I just can't shake this feeling. Then i can't even go get antidepressants to help bc i am afriad on the 0% Chance that i do pop up pregnant i dont want to do any harm to the baby.
I have been checked for cyst, thyroid probs, prolactin levels, diabeties etc etc. Dh has a low sperm and motility levels. But the doctors say its not so low he shouldn't be able to get me pregnant. I just don't know what to do anymore. All i want to do is sleep and to never go anywhere or see anyone. I just don't know how much more i can take or what to do from here....
sorry for the novel
EDIT: well apparently this is hard to understand for some. I do still take care of my children. I dont sleep allday and i do go out and i do see people. Just don't want to. Go out and see people that is. I do take care of them and provide everything they can want or need emotionally, physically, and mentally. I do get depressed about this stuff as anyone has been ttc for a long time would and does. Do i let it consume me 24/7 no but it does bother me everyday. But i still take care of everything i have to.
As for dh he is a grown man he can take care of himself as can i. I don't need him to take care of me and he doesn't need me to take care of him bc we are not children. Thats what adults do is take care of themselves so we are good.