I'm copying and pasting this from my blog. I'll get in more detail here. This morning my best friend called me to share her wonderful news. She's pregnant. I had JUST taken a pregnancy test myself, hoping and praying I would get SOMETHING on there. I had just thrown it away after not seeing anything whatsoever on the test. I literally... threw it away and went to answer my phone.
She proceeds to tell me she was on her way to her mom's house. I was like ..okay? LOL thanks for sharing that with me. She said Ashlee I took a test this morning and I'm pregnant. I took two and they were faint but they were definitely there. (Imagine her excitement) What a sting to my heart though. This was her 2nd month trying.
Now mind you... I am ECSTATIC for her. She deserves this. But I couldn't wait to get off the phone with her. She told me not to tell anyone since I'm the only person she is telling (besides her husband). My husband was in the room while she told me so he knew but she wouldn't care if he knew. So when I hang up, he goes is she pregnant. And all I said was yes. He proceeded to say how awesome it was and how happy and excited I am going to be today so he'll be able to go do anything without me being upset he's not in the house with me LOL. So as I'm filling up with tears I tell him "Don't get me wrong I am so happy for her but I'm about to cry". He says Ash people are going to get pregnant, you can't be upset about that. And I just broke down crying. I told him I am happy for her but I fear so much that I won't get to experience that again. After this week, of another cyst and then having it rupter... having to go back next week for an ultrasound it's been stressful and scary for me. But he held me.. and held me... and held me as I cried and shared my fears with him.
I realized this is NOT who I am. This is not who I want to be. I was fine until I hit 6 months. I'm going into 7 months of TTC and it hit me around 6 months. It became HARDER and HARDER for me each and every day. That may not be LONG to some people... but it's LONG for me. I have two kids already and it was effortless conceiving them.
I have always been a sold out christian. My faith has always been in God. I've realized how far I have truly came from that. And how unhappy I am being that way. So I went out on a mission to get rid of my bitterness, jealousy, and to find everlasting peace in Him.
I'm DONE with the bitterness that was slowly starting to take over.. and the jealousy.
I spent all morning listneing to my praise and worship music off Pandora. Reading devotions and scriptures and just praying. I feel like a completely new person.
I give my ttc journey (along with all my journeys) to God. Why would he bless me with another child if I can't find peace and complete happiness for others who truly deserve their happiness and the blessings he gives to them? I know God is going to bless me again. And it will be in HIS perfect timing for my life.
I want to share my notes with everyone in hopes that I will at least give ONE person that new hope.
God plan is better than I could ever wish for my life. I will wait PATIENTLY for his blessings meant for my life.
It messes it up to paste it from my blog... so I'll give you my blog link.
Please leave comments here though, not my blog. I hope this helps at least one person.