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insight into my life and why I may have to stop TTC for a while (may be a long read) but lets you get to know me more.

Posted by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 11:22 AM
  • 25 Replies

     I was told by my Dr. that for right now, the idea of trying ttc should not be an option.  I was sad, of course.  Also, though, I was wondering if she was right.  But I honestly would love another baby.  Here is part of my story, off topic of ttc, but it lets you all get to know a bit about me, and my situation. 

     My Dad, was and will always be my hero.  He and my Mom were/are amazing parents.   This post, is about my Dad, and why my Dr. thinks TTC may not be a good choice for me right now.

     Dad had type 2 diabetes since childhood.  He took 2 different kinds of insulin a day, checked his blood sugar several times a day.  He didn't take care of himself the way that he should have, despite the nagging of my mother and myself.  (my 3 brothers arent naggers).  Time went by and Dad grew tired and withdrawn.  I thought it was depression and did what I could to get him to come out of his shell... it didn't work. 

     Later, Dad was told that he was in stage ESRF.  (end stage renal failure) and would need to be on dialysis, or get a kidney transplant.  Being the proud and worrysome Dad that he was, he refused to allow his children and siblings to see they were a kidney match for him, so he chose dialysis.  We were excited to know that he will finally be able to feel better!  See, his kidneys werent working, so the toxings were poisoning him... uric acid was causing his skin to break out and itch non-stop.  He was tired, and gray colored.  He used to be so strong and nothing could stop him...

     After his first few dialysis treatments, he was still tired.  Yes, he lost water weight, but he just wasnt getting better like we had hoped, and it was so sad to see.

     The night before my Dad passed away, he was up vomiting.  He looked at my mom and said the he couldnt do it any more.  He wasn't sleeping, for nights on end even with meds, he wasnt sleeping.  He got so tired sometimes, when he spoke he wouldnt make sense.  So the morning after his vomiting, he was at dialysis, and I brought him some pepto (not sure if he was allowed to have it there).  I walked into the center, and saw my Dad hooked up to the machine... he was shaking so badly I was SHOCKED.  He had a fever.  I went to my truck, where I always keep an extra blanket... (I live in the U.P. of Michigan).  If you go off the road, you wanna be warm.  I brought him in a blanket, and asked him if he wanted me to stay the duration of his appt with  him.

     He assured me that he was fine, so I went to my Moms and as I pulled into the driveway, she was on her way out.  They had brought Dad to the emergency room.  He wasnt making much sense at times, but at other times, he made perfect sense.  He checked himself out of the hospital against Dr.s orders and went home with my Mom.  Sage (my daughter and I were there).  Dad could hardly walk without stumbling and I was furious that he was home and not in the hospital.  He sat on the edge of his bed and started vomiting. After he passed, we found out that vomitting before death can sometimes be due to severe drops in blood pressure.   He was weak.  I insisted that he go back to the ER.  He turned around and saw my daughter and told her he loved her.  (they were best buddies).  He stood and hobbled to the next room, where he dropped.  My mom and I did CPR.  She did the compressions and I tried breathing life into him.  My mom is a RN and worked at the hospital for many years.  They tried for a half hr to bring my dad back, but couldn't.  My Daddy died of a massive coronary and complications of diabetes. 

     Soooo, being as I Have nightmares about that day, and I can see his face and eyes when I close my eyes... I have become withdrawn from a lot of people.  My anxiety attacks have gotten worse and I was being treated for depression. (among other things). My DR thinks I fall under the post tramatic stress disorder category.  I had stopped taking my meds because hubs and I were TTC... The Dr. wants me to start taking them again, and upped the dosage.  She said that right now, itn't the right time to ttc.  among other things...

     I am lost. I would normally talk all this stuff out with my Dad. he was my hero, and the smartest person I knew.  If I become pregnant, I have to endure months of depression and anxiety, but I feel its worth it.  I just don't want the stress I feel and anxiety I feel to impact a pregnancy and the health of a baby.  What do I do??  What would YOU guys do?  Im sorry for the life story, I just figured, I wanted you guys to know my situation.

by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 11:22 AM
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Replies (1-10):
ARClay
by Alyssa on Dec. 12, 2012 at 11:34 AM
1 mom liked this
First of all, I'm so very sorry for your loss. I'm sitting here with tears rolling down my cheeks because I know if I lost my dad it would just about end my world.
With that being said, what I think I would do if I were you, is take some time to take care of myself. To get my mind and health in order before I'd try to add the stress of trying to conceive and then taking care of a baby.
Hugs...
Dani41780
by Silver Member on Dec. 12, 2012 at 11:38 AM

I agree with her.

Quoting ARClay:

First of all, I'm so very sorry for your loss. I'm sitting here with tears rolling down my cheeks because I know if I lost my dad it would just about end my world.
With that being said, what I think I would do if I were you, is take some time to take care of myself. To get my mind and health in order before I'd try to add the stress of trying to conceive and then taking care of a baby.
Hugs...


kmb801980
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 11:52 AM

 I was thinking the same thing, off and on.  I would LOVE to have a baby, but I didnt realize how bad things had gotten for me in the stress/depression/anxiety department.  I will stop ttc for a while I guess.  I hope I can still come here and read about your stories?

crazymommy2007
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 12:18 PM

Your story has brought tears to my eyes.  I'm so sorry about your father.  Take a few months and try to put yourself together.  I wish you the best of luck and if you ever want to talk feel free to message me!

MrsLondon
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 12:38 PM

Wow! I don't know what I would do. I think maybe it is time to stop "trying" but with that being said maybe it will happen when you aren't trying. The thing about a losing someone that close is you never get over it. You just handle it better over time. You'll never stop feeling the pain of losing your father. I lost my only uncle over 10 years ago and I still feel the pain about it. Some days are just better then other's and eventually you'll have more good days then bad.

I'll be praying for you.

kmb801980
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 12:43 PM

 Thank you guys for your kind words.  Like I said, this isnt a pity party for me, but an explanation into the pause on ttc.  I want people to know what damage diabetes can cause.  Some people dont know that it can cause renal failure, blindness, inability to feel toes/feet.  Sometimes you can't fight off infections, and wounds on the feet wont heal.  Instead, they fester, spreading their bacteria to the bone ( in my dads case).  It is fricken scary what this disease can do... people need to know that! 

trfgirl56701
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 12:57 PM

I'm so sorry for the loss of you dad...I couldn't even imagine going through all that. Also thank you for sharing your story. My mom is diabetic and has gotten better about taking care of herself but there's so much more she could do. She was recently diagnosed with neuropathy (loss of feeling in her toes and feet)

I think if I was in your place I'd probably take some time to get everything straightened out so that ttc doesn't stress you out more. I wish you lots of luck!

hugs

silka08
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 1:03 PM
Im sorry for your loss.

Aside from meds are you seeking counseling? If not, meds are a bandaid to the depression and anxiety.
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kmb801980
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 1:04 PM

I have my first counceling appt on tuesday the 18th.  I am nervous!  

 

silka08
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 1:11 PM
It will really help. Meds can only go so far. Counseling will help you work through experoence and learn coping techniques


Quoting kmb801980:

I have my first counceling appt on tuesday the 18th.  I am nervous!  


 


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