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TTC - Trying to Conceive TTC - Trying to Conceive

ot: step parenting

Posted by on Mar. 31, 2014 at 7:03 AM
  • 5 Replies
How many in here are a step parent and how did you adjust/prepare for it?

My bf goes to court Friday and most likely is getting some type of custody of his daughter who is 8.., but I'm very nervous of what to do, how to be and prepare myself. Im just very nervous and looking for any insight from other stepmoms
by on Mar. 31, 2014 at 7:03 AM
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mss119
by Maggie on Mar. 31, 2014 at 7:15 AM
1 mom liked this
With these things, you kind of have to let it progress naturally. I have a sd and a ss, and it's not easy. I've been in both their lives since they were pretty young (since age 2.5 for sd and 3 months for ss), which made it a bit easier in some ways. With your so's daughter's age, and the fact that he hasn't seen her in years, it will be quite an adjustment for the little girl. Talk to your so first, see what his expectations are. And personally, when the contact starts again, I'd let your sd decide who she gravitates to and how quickly. She may want to focus on her relationship with her dad, and you may come second, after that relationship is more secure. Or she could gravitate to you, especially if she's more comfortable with women. Just let her decide what she's comfortable with, so long as she's not being disrespectful or unsafe.

Oh, and also: don't be heartbroken if she's not comfortable being mothered much, especially at first. My df's ex isn't very motherly, so sd was very uncomfortable with affection from me for a long time. I just kept letting her know I love her, and she came around after several months.
Audrey2013
by Audrey on Mar. 31, 2014 at 7:32 AM
1 mom liked this
Thank you, this was all very helpful. I don't want to step on toes and i know they have to reconnect, but i want to be there if needed for what she needs as long as she lets me

Quoting mss119: With these things, you kind of have to let it progress naturally. I have a sd and a ss, and it's not easy. I've been in both their lives since they were pretty young (since age 2.5 for sd and 3 months for ss), which made it a bit easier in some ways. With your so's daughter's age, and the fact that he hasn't seen her in years, it will be quite an adjustment for the little girl. Talk to your so first, see what his expectations are. And personally, when the contact starts again, I'd let your sd decide who she gravitates to and how quickly. She may want to focus on her relationship with her dad, and you may come second, after that relationship is more secure. Or she could gravitate to you, especially if she's more comfortable with women. Just let her decide what she's comfortable with, so long as she's not being disrespectful or unsafe.

Oh, and also: don't be heartbroken if she's not comfortable being mothered much, especially at first. My df's ex isn't very motherly, so sd was very uncomfortable with affection from me for a long time. I just kept letting her know I love her, and she came around after several months.
LoveMyBug2013
by Member on Mar. 31, 2014 at 9:41 AM

I would try to just be there and not try to mother her at this point.  Invite her to do things with you like an art project or a trip to a museum or something.  Just show her you are interested in her.  Ask her about school, friends, etc.  Stick to neutral topics.  And let her guide the relationship's development.  She may be traumatized going to live with someone she barely knows--if she remembers her dad at all.  And the circumstances that would be required to remove her from her mother to a man's house that she hasn't seen in 3 years are sure to have been traumatic. 

Audrey2013
by Audrey on Mar. 31, 2014 at 9:44 AM
She definitely remembers her dad, my bf has talked to her step dad and his dd talks about him all the time. And they've had a few conversations on the phone that her step dad let happen when the mom wasnt home

Quoting LoveMyBug2013:

I would try to just be there and not try to mother her at this point.  Invite her to do things with you like an art project or a trip to a museum or something.  Just show her you are interested in her.  Ask her about school, friends, etc.  Stick to neutral topics.  And let her guide the relationship's development.  She may be traumatized going to live with someone she barely knows--if she remembers her dad at all.  And the circumstances that would be required to remove her from her mother to a man's house that she hasn't seen in 3 years are sure to have been traumatic. 

Audrey2013
by Audrey on Mar. 31, 2014 at 2:33 PM
Bump
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