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idk what i'm looking for. Advice? Suggestions?

Posted by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 10:20 AM
  • 13 Replies

My ex bf and I have a 2 year old together and I am expecting another girl due in May. We are broken up, at least from my point of view. I did "officially" end things, but he refuses to let me go.

I ended up meeting an old friend of mine who was in town visiting family.He is in the Navy and is stationed in California, I'm in Texas. We apparently had huge crushed on each other all through elementary and high school, but just never got around to talking to each other. Needless to say we had a first date, and it was purely love at first sight. He told his family he was in love with me, I told mine, everyone is ecstatic. He will be deployed later this year and wants to get married before he does. That's how serious this is.

My ex won't let me go. He claims he is going to kill himself, he can't live without me, he calls me adn texts me all the time. He says he will show up to my house (I live with my family) and kill himself in front of my house. The reason we broke up was because he couln't stop smoking pot, liked to argue with me in front of the kids, has a temper, and all around was selfish and rude. I gave him chance after chance, but after a week, all his new promises were gone.

Question is, How do I get rid of him? With this new guy, we are already planning our future and I don't know how to end this connection with my ex. He uses the children as an excuse, but in reality it's not about our children together, he rarely spent anytime with out daughter and would only spend it with me.

So ... help?

by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 10:20 AM
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Replies (1-10):
young_lv_mom
by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 10:26 AM

well unless he signs over his rights of the kids to you or you somehow get your new guy to adopt them you are S.O.L. on this one, he is there dad so you can't just move on and never look back, it does not work that way, however are you sure you want to go from one guy to the next so quick? The only reason why I say this is b/c there are kids involved in all of this now, and what every you end up doing the will have to do it to,


anjalee033
by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 10:33 AM

yeah if u can get his rights that would be amazing, but try to get a restraining order and some way to proove he is saying he wants to kill himself and you can legally get his rights away. you need to let him know flat out its over he needs to move on you r going to make a family and take care of your kids. period you need to become a royal bitch, tell him either he can go away or you will totally fuck his world up with child support and he will never be able to afford anything. it worked with my ex!!! just some ids good luck!

trulymommy
by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 11:57 AM

 

Quoting young_lv_mom:

well unless he signs over his rights of the kids to you or you somehow get your new guy to adopt them you are S.O.L. on this one, he is there dad so you can't just move on and never look back, it does not work that way, however are you sure you want to go from one guy to the next so quick? The only reason why I say this is b/c there are kids involved in all of this now, and what every you end up doing the will have to do it to,


Yes, it's not that I'm moving on so fast, things with their father and I havn't been anything for the last couple of months. I have been talking to this new guy for a couple of months now online and on the phone and knew him from elementary to high school, I am 21 and he is 22 now. He took me out on a date recently and things clicked. I totally understand that my choices will affect my children, I go to college fulltime online, work from home, and am completly consumed by my children, so I am completly aware of all the choices that I make. I am extremely independant and take a lot of pride in that. He knows my kids are first, and will always be first, and it's one of the qualities he loves about me.

With my children's father, he isn't on the birth certificate (he was in jail whe she was born), our daughter has my last name, and we do not have any court decided anything. She is almost 3 and he's only been alone with her once, for 3 hours. Everytime he sees her, he wants me there too, and he completly ignores her. It's not the fact that he wants his children, he could care less about them, he wants to be with me.

trulymommy
by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 12:01 PM


Quoting anjalee033:

yeah if u can get his rights that would be amazing, but try to get a restraining order and some way to proove he is saying he wants to kill himself and you can legally get his rights away. you need to let him know flat out its over he needs to move on you r going to make a family and take care of your kids. period you need to become a royal bitch, tell him either he can go away or you will totally fuck his world up with child support and he will never be able to afford anything. it worked with my ex!!! just some ids good luck!


Yeah I have all of his text messages where he tells me he's never going to let me leave him and that he wants to kills himself and that he doesn't care about his children.  I've never, ever given him any reason to think that I would even consider giving him a chance. I am a complete asshole to him, when I threaten him he just says he doesn't care, he'll never stop trying. I just don't know what to do with those threats.

GoddessNDaRuff
by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 12:09 PM

Forget him. He's not on anything. Does he do anything to support his daughter that doesn't involve hanging on you? Threatening to kill himself makes him unstable and if you document it and keep witnesses willing to document and testify even if he does take it to court there is no way even in the ass backwards state of TX a judge will give him joint custody or unsupervised visitation. Your working and going to school and what is he doing???  The truth of the matter is what is best for your kids? It's about bettering their live whether you marry your Navy guy or not. He's not on the birth certificate, there is no court agreement or order so you are free to up and do as you please. Keep in touch through letters and pictures, emails are an amazing thing. So he can't say your trying to keep his kids from him but him threatening to kill himself in front of you is a form of mental abuse. He's trying to control you. Now I'd feel bad as I'm sure you would if he actually did it. But you can't hold yourself back and not give your kids the best because he wants to be an ass.

P.S. My mom didn't go and pursue things to better her life or ours because she didn't want to take us from our father. He wasn't ever really around. He's just now trying to be consistent in our lives. I'm 20 and married with one child and another on the way. My lil brother is 17. My mom is still struggling because she missed so many opportunities to go to school, get out of TX, get a better job. Don't do it to yourself or your kids over a man.

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trulymommy
by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 12:19 PM


Quoting GoddessNDaRuff:

Forget him. He's not on anything. Does he do anything to support his daughter that doesn't involve hanging on you? Threatening to kill himself makes him unstable and if you document it and keep witnesses willing to document and testify even if he does take it to court there is no way even in the ass backwards state of TX a judge will give him joint custody or unsupervised visitation. Your working and going to school and what is he doing???  The truth of the matter is what is best for your kids? It's about bettering their live whether you marry your Navy guy or not. He's not on the birth certificate, there is no court agreement or order so you are free to up and do as you please. Keep in touch through letters and pictures, emails are an amazing thing. So he can't say your trying to keep his kids from him but him threatening to kill himself in front of you is a form of mental abuse. He's trying to control you. Now I'd feel bad as I'm sure you would if he actually did it. But you can't hold yourself back and not give your kids the best because he wants to be an ass.

P.S. My mom didn't go and pursue things to better her life or ours because she didn't want to take us from our father. He wasn't ever really around. He's just now trying to be consistent in our lives. I'm 20 and married with one child and another on the way. My lil brother is 17. My mom is still struggling because she missed so many opportunities to go to school, get out of TX, get a better job. Don't do it to yourself or your kids over a man.

No he does not do anything to support our daughter unless I ask him to. Which is rarely at that. If I'm really short on money and she needs something, I'll ask him if he can get it. And he will. Complaining all the way though. I don't ask him for money or anything because I don't really care about that, I'd rather just have to work 10 times harder than have to deal with child support, visitation, and all of that mess. He works, doesn't go to school, (He's 25) and lives basically for himself.

Thank you so much, my biggest concern was wondering what was best for my children and you definetly put it in perspective for me.

BAMBAMmommy
by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 12:46 PM

The fact that he is not on the birth certificate and has taken no interest in your daughter makes things A LOT easier.

The only reason he is saying these things is because he's lost the control he had over you and he's panicking. He most likely will NOT go through with any of the things he's threatening but he's trying to scare you into giving in. He's hoping you will freak out and do anything to shut him up.

My ex did the same exact thing when I broke up with him, and I've talked to a few other ladies on here who's ex's have done the same thing. They will beg and whine and make it seem like it's the end of their world. And then after you continue to A. Ignore him or B. tell him it's never going to happen and you've moved on, he will become angry. He'll tell you that you are the world's biggest bitch, and that you're a bad mom for keeping your daughter from him and all of these things that ARE NOT TRUE.

You are happier without him. You know that, so you just have to stay strong.

Things will get better. You just have to give it time. He can't do anything about your daughter so that is comforting, and will save you a lot of extra work. Just tell him he needs to back off before you get the cops involved, he won't be able to say that you are keeping your daughter from him because he has no parental rights. They can arrest him for harrasment. I would see first about getting a restraining order though.

PM me if you have any questions.

mamajen07
by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 2:05 PM

i seem to always agree with you bambam! =) i had an ex that pulled the i'm going to kill myself card too. i just ignored him and moved on with my life. (but i didn't have kids at that point) as far as your kids, i'd speak to a lawyer about how to go about getting his rights absolved and go from there!

Quoting BAMBAMmommy:

The fact that he is not on the birth certificate and has taken no interest in your daughter makes things A LOT easier.

The only reason he is saying these things is because he's lost the control he had over you and he's panicking. He most likely will NOT go through with any of the things he's threatening but he's trying to scare you into giving in. He's hoping you will freak out and do anything to shut him up.

My ex did the same exact thing when I broke up with him, and I've talked to a few other ladies on here who's ex's have done the same thing. They will beg and whine and make it seem like it's the end of their world. And then after you continue to A. Ignore him or B. tell him it's never going to happen and you've moved on, he will become angry. He'll tell you that you are the world's biggest bitch, and that you're a bad mom for keeping your daughter from him and all of these things that ARE NOT TRUE.

You are happier without him. You know that, so you just have to stay strong.

Things will get better. You just have to give it time. He can't do anything about your daughter so that is comforting, and will save you a lot of extra work. Just tell him he needs to back off before you get the cops involved, he won't be able to say that you are keeping your daughter from him because he has no parental rights. They can arrest him for harrasment. I would see first about getting a restraining order though.

PM me if you have any questions.


.Molly.
by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 2:05 PM

If he's not on the birth certificate, he has no rights. Honestly, the suicide threats, etc. sound like emotional manipulation to me and it's obviously working. You need to set a bottom line and stick to it and move on with your life.

trulymommy
by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 2:08 PM


Quoting .Molly.:

If he's not on the birth certificate, he has no rights. Honestly, the suicide threats, etc. sound like emotional manipulation to me and it's obviously working. You need to set a bottom line and stick to it and move on with your life.


Thank you ladies, you are all very right. I have given in to him before, but even though I havn't in the last month, I know I just have to stay strong and make it clear. I can't risk my sanity anymore for my children..

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