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i want ME back!

Posted by on Apr. 13, 2011 at 4:53 PM
  • 6 Replies
I'm some what new to this thing... I'd much rather write this in a blog(bc then I feel lk I'm talking to myself and can better say what I want to say, lol) then post it to a bulletin. Haha, but can't find that anywhere/:


Anyways** I have a problem and its a pretty serious one, others may think oh she smokes that's it... But being truly addicted to cigarette's is SO HARD, its hard to believe that a little bitty stick controls my life like it does...I believe I had my first cigarette when I was 8 years old, of course I was not a smoker then lol just a curious hard headed kid, I became a full blown smoker at 17 I'm 22 now and smoke a pack and half a day! I know SO MUCH! /: I have a lot of stresses in my life being a single mom is NOT easy! But I love it either way, I just stress day in and day out... I have had a hard card dealt my way, I got on probation when I was 18 years old, due to my son's father... He's a complete nut bag to say the least, he's a schizophrenic
And truthfully I feel like a complete fool for not noticing the signs before hand, but a long long story short, he decided he wanted to break into a neighbors home and steal her computer... Be you mind he would have gotten away with this and I wouldn't be on probation if I didn't do the right thing.... Which was turn him in!!! Its safe to say I was completely SHOCKED to learn I had a warrant out for my arrest and was being consider and an accessory to this crime... I turned it in for goodness sakes you got to be kidding me right!?!?! So I get put on probation for 6 years... As he does to, they're alil harsher on him then me, but I felt so.... Drained, and angry. I hated this man with a PASSION!!! Wanted him to get run over a million times by an 18 wheeler... Felt like he ruined my life... The only thing that kept me sane lol was telling myself I have the best part of him and that's something he'll NEVER be allowed to have, and that's MY son. But my smoking has progressed due to a lot of things and that's a big one!being on pb has held me back tremendously, has made it very difficult for me to get a job, who wants to a hire a "thief" right?? So here I am wasting money I don't have to support my addiction... I'm SO glad to say that my probation officer started my ET(early termination) papers my last visit!!! * happy dance* lol of course I won't be off right away, it takes a few months.... But I was just starting to think..YES my life is turning around... To only be thrown another curve ball... I'm pregnant again... I was at a complete loss for words when I found out, didn't understand how or when this happened... (Just so y'all know pull out method DOES NOT work!!!) I remember when I was dating my ex(not the dad ): , I like to think of him as my true my love haha being he loved me like there was no tomorrow, and I F'd it up) he would beg me to quit smoking, hed tell me he didn't want to grow old by himself... (We had planned on getting married) I remember jokingly telling him the only way I'd beable to quit is if I got pregnant.... And now... I'm pregnant, and I don't see myself quitting, I'm trying, have tried and cont to try... But when I get to that day and half marker of no cigarette I could literally be classified as a bipolar lady! /: I care dearly for my baby, it may seem I don't every time I put that cigarette to my mouth but I do... Complete guilt over takes me when I take that drag, and sometimes I cry...when I start withdrawing... I twitch, and am SUPER grouchy.. I can't even watch tv because if someones smoking on their automatically its everything I just dealt with all over again... There's really no feeling to describe my withdrawals I guess you have to be a smoker who's addicted as myself. Anyways I ramble a lot but it was a much needed talk.... With myself lol jk. I just want my life back, I know it'll never be the same... But cigarettes do control me.. Ill leave places that are no smoking area's, I'm in a hurry always bc I gotta get to that cigarette! I'm unbearable to be around when I don't have one, now I know cigarettes didn't make me create the mess of life that it is lol, but I think quitting is the first step to getting me back, and not being so depressed, and letting people mistreat me.


*if anyone reads this, please no judgment, I need support more then I need to be battered.*
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by on Apr. 13, 2011 at 4:53 PM
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Replies (1-6):
B-FigNewton
by on Apr. 13, 2011 at 5:20 PM

I'm really not sure what to say to you. I think you have been through some hard things and it is great that you have the confidence and optimism to keep going and get yourself back on track to who you want to be.

But I don't think cigarettes can be blamed for some of the things you said above. You don't really need cigarettes. You just feel like you do. You have to use your will and overpower the want for cigarettes.

JayBearsmomma
by on Apr. 13, 2011 at 6:45 PM
Wow hun u have been thru a lot but just no that u can make it thru anything u set ur mind to. Try to take one thing u want to change and slowly focus on that
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HizzPrincess
by on Apr. 13, 2011 at 7:30 PM

 i was a smoker from the time i was 13 up until i met my fiance almost 15, then smoked on and off until i got pregnant and then i quit cold turkey. I decided my child was more important than a cigarette i know its been longer for you but... i know what you mean i was the same way when i quit, but i did other things to keep my mnd off of cigarettes. GL i hope things get better

3508yay
by on Apr. 13, 2011 at 8:01 PM
I started smoking when i was 13 and im 23 now and quit 1 year ago this month. i used cheese its and my ipod. i used the cheese its for the hand to mouth motion and my ipod was the grabbing motion before i walk out the door. and i was a pure bitch. i started by cutting down and down and down then decided i wasnt a smoker any more. now even the smell of one makes me sick i know its hard but its well worth quitting.
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NearSeattleMom
by on Apr. 13, 2011 at 8:15 PM

hugsHave you asked your doctor for help to stop smoking?

SaraZoey
by on Apr. 14, 2011 at 3:24 PM

 I agree. They may be able to give you a medication to help. Good luck!

Quoting NearSeattleMom:

hugsHave you asked your doctor for help to stop smoking?

 



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