I kind of bottled everything up and I am so emotional today (i kind of feel trapped empty and alone, totally the pregnancy hormones to blame and the fact i realized all my friends went/are going on vacation this week which leaves me with my parents & i am going insane already) but anywaysss long story short when i found out i was pregnant, i kept it from my BD cause we had stop seeing each other and kind of went our own seperate ways (which was fine in my book, found out he was a real dbag) but anyways when i finally had the balls to tell him. he made it seem like he cared well at least for the first hour or so. then when we finally got to see eachother in person, the mofo was like well "kids werent in the plan right now & its not a good time since i am moving out of state and persuing a career in my major" & when i said abortion was not an option, he says well i dont want to get to you having the baby and you not give it up. (wellll i changed my mind because i had support from my parents that i didnt know i would have AND i am adopted myself, and it kind of messes with the childs head. dont get me wrong i LOVE my adopted parents but theres always a lot of what ifs. (but its never a wrong choice for adoption.)) and by the end of the coversation he makes a joke about "living his life" & I'm going to be calling angry and all emotional about him "living out his life" REALLY? like really? i havent even called him once. but anyways... for like a week he made an effort to make sure i was okay and was really willing to give me what i needed (maybe to convince me to give up the baby). every ounce of my body cant stand him or the fact that he left his child.. but what aggrivates me is the fact that hes paid for NUMEROUS ammounts of girls to get abortions before me. like are you serious? and not to mention the fact his cousin said i was a "fuck up and a mistake" just because i stood my ground about MY moral values about giving my baby up for adoption because its MY body im a fuck up.. SERIOUSLY? im so hurt over the situation and everything else. I deleted him off of facebook and unfollowed him on twitter just because i cant deal with him really forgetting he has a child on the way. and of course i cry almost everynight just because my son wont grow up with a father, and i know how it feels i didnt have mine for 8 years and we are so far from being close its not even funny. i just ughhhhh i dont know. OH and to top it off, he's really trying to out run this whole friggin child support thing. My parents mention him to one lawyer for child support & i am assuming they served him papers at his job or something (since i dont have a house address) he up and QUIT HIS JOB and works else where.. seriously? i really dont get it at all. i just wish i didnt miss him so much let alone be so hurt over my baby boy not having a dad. oh and he has no idea his "first born" will be a boy. ahh i am so emotional these days..
sorry for the rant if it even made sense, its just nice to get everything off my chest once in a while.
but if you did read the whole thing thanks :)