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SO moved out while I was touring my son's school :'( **LONG**

Posted by on Aug. 10, 2012 at 1:24 PM
  • 6 Replies

So I'm just gunna say right off the bat that this post might ramble a lot and may not make a ton of sense, but I need to talk to/vent to someone.

My SO and I have trust issues in our relationship, mostly stemming from my actions before we started dating, as well as him cheating early in our relationship. We've been together almost 2 years and have had our share of ups and downs, as any relationship has. We took a break in November, and reconciled in January and he had moved back in with me in June (we were previously living together when we took the break). While we were on this "break," he had been messing around with a couple different girls that I know about, while I was sitting at home heartbroken and crying my eyes out. Since being back together, he likes to check my phone, Facebook, etc., and for the most part I don't care because I'm freely allowed to look at his too if I choose.

We had gotten in a big fight on Sunday because I noticed that he had gone through my FB and deleted a bunch of guy friends that I had on there and one family friend that I have always considered an uncle. I was pissed for a couple different reasons: 1) Why feel the need to do it while I'm sleeping? 2) Why couldn't he have waited til morning and talked to me if he was uncomfortable with the people I have added? 3) Why did he delete people he doesn't know, or have any reason to be uncomfortable with?

We got in an argument which consisted of a lot of screaming on my part, and we didn't speak for a little bit. Once he had some time to think about things, he realized that what he did was wrong and that there was a better way to go about it, but he says he was afraid to try talking to me about it because he didn't want me getting mad about it. I told him that he can't keep treating me like a child and that I feel like he's suffocating me and that I feel as though he has no reason not to trust me. I have always been faithful to him. He said he didn't want to lose me over something like this, and that he was sorry and he loves me and wants to make things work. FIne.

We happened to be watching True Life (MTV) and the episode happened to be "I Don't Trust My Partner," and as the name implies - it's about relationships where trust is not there. One of the couples had even gone so far as to see a therapist, and my SO turns to me and says, "Do you think that would help? You think we should do that?" I have suggested this in the past and he had shown no interest so I reminded him of that, and he goes, "What if it makes things worse?" Personally, I don't see how things could get any worse than they are at this point, and I told him that. IMO, his version of "making things worse" is us breaking up. That was the end of that conversation.

The rest of the night I tried to keep my distance a little, especially when my kids came back from their dad's house because I didn't want to fight or get into anything in front of them. When they went to bed, I tried talking to my SO, but he was clammed up and didn't want to talk. He had been crying, and when I asked him why, he said it was because I hated him. (I told him that when he treats me like a child, or goes through my things behind my back, doesn't trust me, etc., that it makes me hate him a little bit, because he ignores my feelings in the situation). So that was Sunday.

Monday he woke up and said he was going to his mom's house to do laundry, which is something he does usually since our apartment building doesn't have washers/dryers in the basement, we have to provide our own. So he grabbed 2 baskets and headed over there. He was gone for a few hours, and when he returned he didn't have any clothes. This isn't unusual - a lot of the time his mom tells him to just leave it there and she'll finish it and he can come pick it up when he's done. Tuesday morning he woke up and after about an hour or so, he said he was going to his mom's house to finish his laundry and clean his shoes (an obsession of his), so he headed off. He came home pretty quickly, which I took to mean that he didn't want to upset me (he knows it bothers me when he does that stuff while I'm home because he complains about us not spending time together. If that's the case, I would prefer him to do it while I'm at work). When he came home, he didn't have the 6 pairs of shoes he left with, or any laundry. I didn't think too much of it because, again, this is pretty normal.

Wednesday we had an argument because on Thursday (yesterday) I had an appointment to tour my son's school before enrolling him. In the beginning, I had asked him if he wanted to go and see the school, and he said no, so I told my kids' father about it instead and asked if he wanted to come along. Me and the ex had just been arguing because he refuses to help pay for the schooling, so I wasn't sure if he would even want to go see it. SO didn't want to go, and BD did, so that was the plan. I don't drive, so I thought it would be a better idea for BD to just pick us (me and the kids) up and take us since we live practically around the corner from each other. SO was NOT fond of this idea and he wanted to drive me instead. I was fine with that, but my SO kept flip-flopping - "Nvm, just have him take you" .. "No I'll take you." This was right before bedtime and I was sooo sick of having that conversation so I turned over and went to bed.

Thursday morning (yesterday), we went through this AGAIN! He couldn't decide what he wanted to do, but had an attitude when I told him that he needed to make up his mind. I absolutely HATE switching plans at the last second, so he told me to have my BD take us. Fine. So I talked to BD and asked him to pick us up at 3:30. Plans set. My SO comes to me at 1:00 and tries to have this conversation AGAIN, but yet still can't make up his mind. Finally, he told me that he wasn't comfortable with us being around each other in the same car. Part of me understands, but on the other hand I don't see why. I have no intention on getting back with my BD, and like I've tried to tell my SO, it's like my BD is a stranger to me now. My SO said that he trusted me, but that he didn't know what my BD was going to take this as and waht he might try to say or do during that car ride. That in itself irritated me because even if my BD wanted to talk about getting back together, my SO should trust MY reactions and how *I* handle the situation, not be so focused on my BD. Before I left, me and my SO had gotten into a big argument about it and didn't say anything to each other before I left. Only thing he asked was if I wanted my house keys (they're kept on his car keys), and I got a little suspicious and asked if he would be home when I got back. He said, "Yeah, I should be, but just in case." Whatever. So I grabbed my keys and headed out. He ducked into the bathroom before I left so I couldn't even try to initiate a kiss or hug, or see you when I get back or anything.

So me, BD, and the kids get so my DS school and do the tour - went super quick. I come home and my roommate/best friend tells me that she saw my SO grab his TV and leave, but she wasn't sure if he was trying to be sneaky, or if that was something we discussed during our argument, so she didn't text me when she saw him doing it. I go in my room to see that most of his things are gone, except a few things - some clothes, CDs, xbox games, the remote to his TV - little things.

Now I feel like he had been planning this all week long, doing it in small steps so I wouldn't notice right away, which bothers me soooo much because he was trying to make things up to me the entire week. Even after we had gotten into a small argument yesterday morning, he offered to take some packages to the PO for me WHY WOULD HE DO THAT IF HE WAS PLANNING TO LEAVE?

I just don't get it and I don't know what to do right now. I have no way to contact him - he has no phone, and his family won't answer my calls or texts. I got a call from his brother's phone last night while my SO was at work (he works 3rd shift), and I'm assuming it was my SO trying to call, but haven't gotten anything since then. I'm such a wreck and I seriously don't know what to do. I couldn't even bring myself to go to work today. I tried texting his brother to let him know that I won't be going to work today, but still nothing. My roommate/best friend works at the same place as my SO, and she talked to him a little last night. According to her this is what the conversation consisted of:

Her: Hey can you do me a favor?
Him: What?
Her: Can you just call Stacy (me) and let her know what's going on?
Him: Why?
Her: Because she doesn't know what's going on right now. You just disappeared, and she doesn't know what this means - if you want a break, to be done completely, if you want some space...
Him: I tried to text her but she didn't answer (**I never got anything so that's probably a lit**)
Her: Okay....
Him: But yeah, I'll call her or something

So idk. I'm so confused. I would think that if he wanted to be done completely that he would have said something, even if he would have left a note or something, or even if he would have told my friend that he didn't wanna work things out. He could have even sent me a text and said, "Look, I can't do this. I'm done," that would have been better than leaving me sitting here not knowing anything. I have no idea where he's at (probably his mom's house), but I can't go looking for him either. I have no way to contact him unless he wants to contact me. I'm torn, because on the other hand, I would think that if he DID want a break or space or whatever, that he would have contacted me by now to talk about it, instead of leaving me wonder. IDK WHAT TO DO!

My kids keep asking about him and asking where he is and when he's going to be home. I keep saying, "D went buhbye, he might not be coming back," but they just keep asking about him. They ask if he went to the store, or went to get gas, or went to get food, or went to work, etc, and it's just making this whole thing harder. I've been a wreck since yesterday and had my son sleep in bed with me last night because I can't bear to sleep in our room by myself.

I just keep wondering if he's even thinking about me or if he misses me or if this even hurts him. He tries his best to avoid confrontation, so it's a strong possibility that he did this when I wasn't home because he didn't want to face my reaction. But then I just keep thinking about how he knows how much this would hurt me, yet he still did it, so I feel as though he doesn't care. My mind and feelings are all over the place right now and I don't know what to do. I miss him so much and just want him to come back, but how can I tell him that if I can't contact him? If he won't contact me? I'm so heartbroken and I seriously don't know where to go from here. He's the first relationship I had since me and BD split, so it hurts me that much more. I just don't know what to do! Me and my kids are hurting right now!


by on Aug. 10, 2012 at 1:24 PM
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Replies (1-6):
by on Aug. 10, 2012 at 4:18 PM
Wow I'm sorry. That seems highly immature. And as a woman with children, you don't need to deal with that situation. It isn't good for the kids to see that kind of relationship. Hugs mama.
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by Ruby Member on Aug. 10, 2012 at 4:39 PM

I'm so sorry.

by on Aug. 10, 2012 at 4:44 PM

He is an asshole. You deserve better. The relationship was disfunctional to say the least. You will be very glad that this happened.  Cause the whole thing sounds F'ed up, frankly.

by on Aug. 10, 2012 at 4:47 PM

I agree with the first poster.  You are a mother, first and foremost.  When you allow other people into your life, knowing you have young children around.. bs like this needs to be stopped from the jump and if it continues, then that person needs to be gone.

This would be his last time ever back in my house, if I were you.

by Member on Aug. 11, 2012 at 10:15 PM

I am sorry that you are such a wreck :( 

However you need to not care at all what he wants anymore and focus on you and your children. Who cares if he wants to come back, you shouldn't let him.  He is a selfish A$$ who needs to be out of your life, obviously you two don't work well together for some reason. 

It may not feel like it now, but you can do better. 

by on Aug. 12, 2012 at 11:20 PM

I think it's clear that he is done with the relationship.  You should really take a look at yourself and see why you are willing to put up with this sort of behavior.   You need to focus on their future.  Repeatedly bringing men into thier home is not good for them mentally and could be physically dangerous as well. 

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