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paternity problems

Posted by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 10:23 AM
  • 11 Replies
Hello everyone, I'm 18 and a new mom, my daughters one month old tomorrow!
I have a big problem though, and don't know what to do. Here's what happened:
I've been with my boyfriend since late may, around the time she was conceived. I thought that she was his. But we took a paternity test and the results came back negative.
He loves me and the baby, and promises he is going to stick around even though it isn't his, because regardless of blood, he is her father And he knows that.
But the big issue at hand is who the father is. About two weeks before guy (my boyfriend) and I finally got together - after a long time of friend zone - I hooked up with this one guy. We were friends and he was a nice guy - or so he seemed. We were very casual, with the occasional kiss every now and then. But then he started asking for more and I said no every time e. But eventually I got tired of him asking and gave in. We did the deed, despite how uncomfortable it made me feel. It probably lasted all about two minutes. Because I felt so wrong doing it. So I didn't think It Was even possible for pregnancy. A few days after I stopped talking to him, didn't see him again. Five months later, I discovered I was 22 weeks pregnant. Nate didn't even cross my mind.
So now I need to know... should I tell the father that its his? He is not a very good guy at all, he's done a lot of bad things and obviously, he pressured me into sex, which is not something a good person does. He has a history of violence (mentally abusive To His girlfriend - now Ex - of Four years) and He has a lot of money and is extremely intelligent, and I'm afraid if I tell him he is going to fight for custody, and I don't want him to be a part of my daughters life. Her dad is my boyfriend, and his family is her family, even though they aren't blood relatives. He plans to adopt her legally when he turns eighteen this year.
Im Very scared And very upset that This had to happen. What should I do?
by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 10:23 AM
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Replies (1-10):
KylersMom8-16-7
by Gold Member on Mar. 4, 2013 at 11:31 AM
1 mom liked this
If it were me I wouldn't tell him. You will need to be prepared for all situations like if your relationship doesn't work out and you have to support your baby alone. He shouldn't have any reason to suspect it's his baby and he sounds like an asshole so baby doesn't need to be around him.
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ittyprincess604
by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 12:06 PM
1 mom liked this
Hmmm tricky. My first thought was "of course you should tell him, he has a right to know" but I'm not so sure. Just know that if something happens with your boyfriend, you should be prepared to support the baby alone. If you wait a few years to tell him he's the father, it'll only be harder. And you can't legally make your boyfriend pay child support for a child that's not actually his.

Idk, go with your gut! Good luck!
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amomnamedhannah
by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 12:57 PM
Yeah, its definitely a toughie. I know my current bf doesn't have to pay a dime, especially since we have the test saying its not his. If we ever break up there's nothing I can do. But if he legally adopts her, he would be just as responsible as if it was biologically his?
And yes he is an asshole. I learned AFTER I hooked up with him lots of bad things from multiple sources, including my best friend (note that I didn't tell anyone we were involved) part of me wants to tell him, for my daughters sake, because what happens when she's older and finds out she doesn't know her Biological Father? But at the same time I DONT want to tell him for my daughters sake. Its a confusing situation for sure.
eds6619
by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 2:46 PM

 Gut instinct isn't to tell him.  Why did you have a paternity test in the first place. 

amomnamedhannah
by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 2:59 PM
My boyfriends parents wanted to be sure, so we could put his name on the birth certificate. That wasn't til right before I had her that they said that, and when that was brought up I thought about it and realized oh no, there might be a problem.
eds6619
by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 3:05 PM

 Oh dear..........sounds like they are trying to protect him.  Do they like you?  Do you like them?

Quoting amomnamedhannah:

My boyfriends parents wanted to be sure, so we could put his name on the birth certificate. That wasn't til right before I had her that they said that, and when that was brought up I thought about it and realized oh no, there might be a problem.

 

amomnamedhannah
by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 3:16 PM
Oh yeah we are all very close, they love me and the baby and I love them. Idk what made them want a paternity test. Its not like they didn't trust me or think I was unfaithful, but they knew me and my bf weren't totally sure the day we finally got together. U
eds6619
by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 3:19 PM

 Yeah, thats what I was wondering.  Well, I'm glad its a good situation.

Quoting amomnamedhannah:

Oh yeah we are all very close, they love me and the baby and I love them. Idk what made them want a paternity test. Its not like they didn't trust me or think I was unfaithful, but they knew me and my bf weren't totally sure the day we finally got together. U

 

BrownEyedGirl86
by Bronze Member on Mar. 4, 2013 at 3:21 PM
He deserves to know he has a child and your child deserves to be supported by him (even if you puts it in an account for her for when she gets older).

I firmly believe that you do to others as you would want done to you.
Granted he doesn't sound like the best person but we all have screwed up in life, he could change. Not to mention they aren't just going to take your child from you.
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emilyelephant
by on Mar. 5, 2013 at 1:55 AM

It's entirely your decision.  If, after he adopts her, your boyfriend leaves you, or he decides he's going to be a deadbeat and not get a job to help support your family, you won't be able to go after the bio dad for anything, and will have to do it alone.  But, idk your situation or your boyfriend, so you really just have to use your own good judgement.  You should also call a lawyer to make sure that having someone adopt a child when the biological father had no knowlege that he had a baby can have to legal ramifications.  I.E. that you can't get taken to court if the bio dad finds out, gets a paternity test, and can prove that he had no knowledge of the baby.
I have no idea how any of that works, but I would speak to someone and tell them the situation just so I know I'm protected.

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