This is more of a small rant as well as a reaching out for help type situation. . my son Nikolei is a year old (14 months for those of you who go by months) and well since he first began to grow in my tummy, his father wanted nothing to with him. Even when he said he did, he did nothing for my son, only wanted to use him to make a good impression for himself on others . . . I cut ties with him fully a bout almost a year now, including cutting ties with his side of the family for they too began to show neglect for my son.
I have allowed my self a little while ago to forgive him. . I hear forgiveness is one of the most powerful things a person can do. Learn to forgive. It doesn't mean you have to like that person, or so I am told, but tonight I find myself in a downward spiral . .a break down? Finally after this time some form of emotional release I need that I keep penting up inside me like some wild animal. I feel so much hatred for that man. . I could care less about what he did to me, but it was abandoning his own son that even to this day I greatly hate him for. It tears me apart when I hear my son call my friend Matt "Dada".
I feel as if I need some other way to release. . maybe telling it to the deadbeat face to face. SCREAMING IT AT HIM!? Truth be told I never got to tell him in person my true emotions, my true hatred I had for him. My Tia (aunt) always told be things are better left unsaid, what happened, happened for a reason and it can only get better from here. Why do I still feel like this though, why the random break downs? I feel like I need a darn therapist! Lord knows I have no such money for that . . .what I am getting at is . .
Why can I not get over this?? Why can't I just let it go and forget these emotions like I thought I already have! and not have them springing at me out of now where! I am one emotionally strained young mother, I feel as thought i need to be alone. Completely alone, maybe have my son at my mothers and just go out and do anything I want . . by myself. . I've gone out a couple times with my friend to take a small mommy break . .but I've never truly been alone. I feel as though I might explode.
Sorry for this confusion. Any form of help would be very appreciative thanks!