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Even though I forgave him, I still hate him?

Posted by on Apr. 7, 2013 at 1:27 AM
  • 12 Replies

This is more of a small rant as well as a reaching out for help type situation. . my son Nikolei is a year old (14 months for those of you who go by months) and well since he first began to grow in my tummy, his father wanted nothing to with him. Even when he said he did, he did nothing for my son, only wanted to use him to make a good impression for himself on others . . . I cut ties with him fully a bout almost a year now, including cutting ties with his side of the family for they too began to show neglect for my son.

 

 I have allowed my self a little while ago to forgive him. . I hear forgiveness is one of the most powerful things a person can do. Learn to forgive.  It doesn't mean you have to like that person, or so I am told, but tonight I find myself in a downward spiral . .a break down? Finally after this time some form of emotional release I need that I keep penting up inside me like some wild animal. I feel so much hatred for that man. . I could care less about what he did to me, but it was abandoning his own son that even to this day I greatly hate him for. It tears me apart when I hear my son call my friend Matt "Dada".


I feel as if I need some other way to release. . maybe telling it to the deadbeat face to face. SCREAMING IT AT HIM!? Truth be told I never got to tell him in person my true emotions, my true hatred I had for him. My Tia (aunt) always told be things are better left unsaid, what happened, happened for a reason and it can only get better from here. Why do I still feel like this though, why the random break downs? I feel like I need a darn therapist! Lord knows I have no such money for that . . .what I am getting at is . .


Why can I not get over this?? Why can't I just let it go and forget these emotions like I thought I already have! and not have them springing at me out of now where! I am one emotionally strained young mother, I feel as thought i need to be alone. Completely alone, maybe have my son at my mothers and just go out and do anything I want . . by myself. . I've gone out a couple times with my friend to take a small mommy break . .but I've never truly been alone. I feel as though I might explode.


Sorry for this confusion. Any form of help would be very appreciative thanks!

-Keirston.

When the world turns your back on you, just remember the only person your really need. Is your child. 1/31/12 <3
by on Apr. 7, 2013 at 1:27 AM
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Replies (1-10):
rvb146
by Member on Apr. 7, 2013 at 1:30 AM
Maybe you need a punching bag. You can scream at it and beat the cap out of it. It's worth a shot and much safer than screaming at your sons dad. I don't really know what else you could do.
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mumii17
by on Apr. 7, 2013 at 1:43 AM
Unfortunately i know exactly what your going through and honestly it sucks! :( but like you said a time to just yourself will help trust me I've done it and i felt better afterwards too! Stay strong momma!
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mnivis01
by Member on Apr. 7, 2013 at 1:48 AM
I know what you mean, momma. I have so much hatred myself, which causes lack of sleep and loss of appetite. All i have eaten in 3 days is a hot pocket.. I'm going on 28 hours with no sleep.. and it just plain out sucks.

But yelling at him face to face.. prolly wont help. It will piss you off more. Or it did me anyways.
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sunshine86912
by Dawn on Apr. 7, 2013 at 3:03 AM
Time. My daughters "father" walked away after I got knocked up and never returned. He called me nasty names, talking about what a slut I was and how he couldn't be the father, I just didn't know who it was etc. I was angry..livid..bitter even. He moved right on about 3 months after getting me pregnant and got mother girl pregnAnt who I guess was worthy of marriage..so he married her and they have a little happy family...I was so angry! He lead me to believe we would try and get back together and what not and then one day he's all..I haven't been honest, I just got married..wtf right? My daughter is 6 now..but I'm done..I'm over him, peace out! We don't need him and never did. It took time..I was angry/bitter/mad for a good while. Eventually though it does go away. You just have to move on and accept it. I think what hurt me most was I was willing to move mountains for him to be a part of her life..and he said no. I told him I would never shut him out complelely if he changed his mind, but that one day he could explain to my child why he wanted nothing to do with her
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NikosMommy2012
by on Apr. 7, 2013 at 10:29 AM

Thank you all for the support! Sorry, to hear about all you Mommas who have gone through similar problems, though a punching bag would be nice to have I was never any good at punching anything (which is why I'm glad I've never been in fights C: )

NikosMommy2012
by on Apr. 7, 2013 at 10:39 AM

I know exactly how you feel or (felt) on that one. The 'father' of my son didn't even know his child was born, like he was 'shocked' and all he had to say about it was "you had him already?" it as irritating. even at one point he denied my son was his, until I threatened to take him to court, then he finally stopped denying him. For a few weeks we were considered 'together' or so I thought. I caught him because his cellphone signature said "Chris&Amanda" When I confronted him he said it was nothing. So he broke up with me without me knowing, then stating he would leave her for me blah blah blah. All this other string of lies. then he found out she was pregnant with twins and then they were engaged and SHE was trying to get in on our personal stuff. saying that these would be my son's brother or sisters (which. . I wish he could meet them,but I know that would never happen) and that she was happy she would be my sons Step Mother. . she had attitude about it like it was her right to see my son. these fights went on for over three months. and chris failed to step up. so I cut all ties. 


It sucks ass, even more so that my son is now beginning to look more like his father than me anymore. but I thank you for the support :] It's very nice I can chat with people and get feedback from people with similar stories.

When the world turns your back on you, just remember the only person your really need. Is your child. 1/31/12 <3
sunshine86912
by Dawn on Apr. 7, 2013 at 11:07 AM
Your son (and my daughter) deserve better :). So really by walking away these dirtbags did us a favor and opened up more doors :)

Quoting NikosMommy2012:

I know exactly how you feel or (felt) on that one. The 'father' of my son didn't even know his child was born, like he was 'shocked' and all he had to say about it was "you had him already?" it as irritating. even at one point he denied my son was his, until I threatened to take him to court, then he finally stopped denying him. For a few weeks we were considered 'together' or so I thought. I caught him because his cellphone signature said "Chris&Amanda" When I confronted him he said it was nothing. So he broke up with me without me knowing, then stating he would leave her for me blah blah blah. All this other string of lies. then he found out she was pregnant with twins and then they were engaged and SHE was trying to get in on our personal stuff. saying that these would be my son's brother or sisters (which. . I wish he could meet them,but I know that would never happen) and that she was happy she would be my sons Step Mother. . she had attitude about it like it was her right to see my son. these fights went on for over three months. and chris failed to step up. so I cut all ties. 


It sucks ass, even more so that my son is now beginning to look more like his father than me anymore. but I thank you for the support :] It's very nice I can chat with people and get feedback from people with similar stories.

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PandaBerry13
by on Apr. 7, 2013 at 11:47 AM

I feel for you, my boyfriend and baby daddy always tells me if i leave him he will have nothing to do with our son. He will just dissapear. It hurts that he could even say that to me even though we are together and in all honestly, i hate him. I hate my boyfriend, his threats of not seeing our son, to not baby sit if i dont buy him ciggs. Him getting to go out all the time while i work and then come home and he acts as if watching our son is soooo hard. Says he needs a break even though i just worked all day and with his cigg habbit i am barely making ends meet with bills. He wont try to find a job. He left me for a girl mulitple times. I feel bad for you. But now you get your son all to yourself, you get his firsts. You will get all of his love and its his loss and you will understand you got the better end of the deal. I understand the emotions spring up and you hurt, but you just need to think now you dont have to share. Be happy about that. If you need a break ask someone to watch him for a little bit and go for a walk or go do something that makes you happy, may it be enjoying some sun or going and crying to let out all your feelings, just ask for some help to get you time, we all need it.

cemcnair
by Courtney on Apr. 7, 2013 at 1:32 PM
You don't have to not hate him. Just don't let it affect you daily.
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SabrinaLC
by Sabrina on Apr. 7, 2013 at 9:10 PM

Forgiveness can be really good.  Write him a letter, let it all out.  If you don't want to actually give it to him then tear it up and throw it away.  Getting those words out will help you feel better.

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