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Why does it matter!?

Posted by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 12:49 PM
  • 8 Replies

 Yesterday, my fiancé saw his foster parents father (so his foster grandpa). He lived with them for about four years (9-13). They are no longer "involved" much in his life, but we still talk to them once in a while. My family actually knows them because they are from our little town. When he announced my pregnancy and that I was 18 weeks, the man started his spiel on how we need to get married ASAP and kept insisting on it when my fiancé told him we will be eventually, but not this year. My fiancé also made a comment about how we didn't exactly have a lot of extra money to get married (because neither of us are going to be happy with just going in front of the JP) right now. The man then made a comment how "Money will always be an issue" and that it needs to happen before the baby was born. These people ARE religious, but not overly and ridiculously. I just don't understand why I keep getting these types of comments. I am pretty much already married to him, at least for 18 years of my life, and forever after that. We now have a child together, in which we will both always love and care for. Why does a piece of paper and some rings matter to my child as long as it is loved? As much as I love my fiancé, (we've been together since I was 13, now 18) and want to have his last name, it would not be beneficial to us to get married. My parents are considered higher middle class and I was not offered any assistance for college, which isn't okay because WE DON'T HAVE THAT MUCH MONEY. I am going to be very grateful for the help I receive from the state for that once I have my child. If we got married, we would no longer get other benefits like this. We are not on PA or anything, but it's still the point that I would like to get the help I need for college. BUT BEYOND THIS, I don't feel that marriage is all that important. I have already promised myself to him in many other ways. We have only had sexual encounters with each other, we have been faithful for years to each other, and I wear his engagement ring with pride. Why do people feel that you need something saying you're going to be together forever? Personally, I don't feel like marriage means that much. Some day, I do want to marry him, but I will not do it now just because we are pregnant. Anyone else's insight is welcomed.

by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 12:49 PM
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Replies (1-8):
sunshine86912
by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 2:00 PM

well I DO agree with the money will always been an issue statement.  if you cant save the money now for a wedding...its highly doubtful with an extra little person in your life that you will suddenly be able to start saving money.  its just going to get tighter unless someone gets a raise..or a new job paying more..just being honest.  but if its not that important to you..and you dont mind waiting a good bit of years..then go for it.   my husband and I said we were going to do a real wedding a year after we did the JP thing..cuz the money wasnt there..and it still wasnt there a year later..thought at our 5 year anni. we would do it..that has come and gone..money still wasnt there.  so it didnt get easier to save extra up for it over the years..and now it just really isnt that important to me...or him

amonkeymom
by Gold Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 3:13 PM
1 mom liked this

Good for you.  Pregnancy is not a reason for marriage.  The commitment you have for eachother is more of a reason than any other.

LuvMyZBoy
by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 3:59 PM

Props to you for your commitment to each other and your willingness to look at this from all angles. I may be coming at this from a different perspective than some, but I do feel that growing up, children derive a certain security from knowing that mom and dad are married. There is also quite a bit of research that backs up the idea that kids will have a better chance of success all around if they come from a home with a married mom and dad.

A wedding, however simple, can also create a sense of accountability and support from those in attendance. When the going gets tough it also helps to have a commitment day/ceremony to refer back to as a reminder of the vows you've made.

Just a few thoughts. I wouldn't say get married just because you are pregnant, but I would say, if this is in your future plans anyway, instead of asking why, think about asking "why not?" 

I didn't see a great model of commitment growing up, but it made me all the more determine to make my marriage all that it can be for my kids and family. There are a lot of resources to help you both as mom and dad and as husband and wife if you decide to take that step. Blessings to all three of you!

C_Croy
by on Aug. 1, 2013 at 1:26 PM

My fiance and I are getting married in 3 weeks.. we have a 3 yr old daughter and have been together for 6 years. we have been engaged for 2 years and are finally doing it.. because we are ready and are prepared. We are not getting married because we have a child, but because we love eachother and want to have more children.

We have been pressured to get married by both of our families for years, but we waited til we were ready and i couldnt be happier :) Just wait, no need to rush it! the time will come before you know it! Good luck to you and your little family.

Babybear89
by on Aug. 1, 2013 at 1:31 PM
My dad is the same way. No ones business but you and df. Ignore it
Randi02
by on Aug. 1, 2013 at 1:54 PM

I agree.

Babies are cheap, children are expensive. If you can't afford to get married now when it's just the two of you - I don't see it happening.

I started dating my husband when I was 17. We got married when I was 20 and I had my first child at 21. Being married was important to me, but I wanted to go to university first. Before we had children, I wanted to own our home and be married.
We made sure those goals were met, and I'm glad we did.
We have been married for over 7 years (I'm 28 now, he's 33) and together for 10.5 years. We have 4 children.

While I don't agree with getting married just because you're having a baby - why not go to a JP and make it official now. Have the same last name as him, and as your child. In 10 years, renew your vows and have the beautiful ceremony you want when you're better able to afford it.

Quoting sunshine86912:

well I DO agree with the money will always been an issue statement.  if you cant save the money now for a wedding...its highly doubtful with an extra little person in your life that you will suddenly be able to start saving money.  its just going to get tighter unless someone gets a raise..or a new job paying more..just being honest.  but if its not that important to you..and you dont mind waiting a good bit of years..then go for it.   my husband and I said we were going to do a real wedding a year after we did the JP thing..cuz the money wasnt there..and it still wasnt there a year later..thought at our 5 year anni. we would do it..that has come and gone..money still wasnt there.  so it didnt get easier to save extra up for it over the years..and now it just really isnt that important to me...or him


cemcnair
by on Aug. 1, 2013 at 9:38 PM
It does tend to make paperwork easier... That's all I've got, lol!
If you don't want to, don't.
Benswifey10710
by on Aug. 3, 2013 at 12:59 AM
You can wait, no rush and the aide in being a single mom and college is great!!!
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