Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Did I do or say the right thing?

Posted by on Sep. 2, 2013 at 7:59 PM
  • 8 Replies
So I'm going to give a brief background of my relationship history and then jump into what's bothering me right now. When I was much younger, I got married because I lived with very abusive parents and I had joined the military being told I would deploy right away, first guy who could help me escape was Mr. Right. Well 3 years down the line and the marriage was completely over. To my disadvantage not only was emotionally damaged before, after being ex(plus controlling abusive in-laws) I was much worst after he kicked me and our 3 babies to the curb for what he called his "dreamgirl". Myself and 3 children were kicked to the curb and moved across country with family. In my years of marriage, I never learned how to be a housewife at all and that was my job, no joke. (we'll leave that part of the story out because its not needed). So I finally got on my feet more than I ever had. Then while I was at work I met the perfect man for me. He treated me well, wanted to know about my kids, didnt tell me what I needed in life when we were together i got to be someone i was never allowed to be, he knew things about me that no one ever knew. We even finished each other's sentences. He asked me to marry him not long after dating(this is where I need the help moms out there), well I'm currently in a much heated divorce that suddenly just became easy a few weeks ago. When he asked there was nothing in the world i could do but cry. My ex was fighting for some of the kids not all, alimony ( iwas making a lot more than him) and was trying to leave me with all the debt. A side note, he was still telling me all the things when we lived together. Such as, he had been with "dreamgirl" since pretty much the beginning. I could never be her (never asked to be or tried), how i was ugly, I was fat (he hasnt seen me in 3 years either), no one would want me....... so on. I was at the lowest I think I've been. Also wasnt talking to my family because they didnt approve of me dating "Mr. Perfect". So I told Mr. Perfect that I don't know. He asked me again. I said "yes". From that moment I have done everything that I could to make him feel that I was still the one. On the flip side from Mr. Perfect's side he had a shitstorm waiting to happen. He had been in a relationship for 15 years, they had 1 son who is 12. They had a common law marriage which he didnt realize he had. (Colorado sometimes is complicated). Since I had been down that road already i.e. divorce, i offered to help. He didnt seem interested. He seemed to have a lot on his mind. His son stopped talking to him and started acting out at school. His ex has medical and mental issues. He was afraid to let her take care of herself as i seen it, he saw it as she was housewife for years cant kick her to the curb. Everytime since his shitstorm happened I kept asking about the future. I kept getting a lot of I dont knows and im worried about my son. I understood to a degree what he was saying. Was I not in the same boat? 2 of my kids had to live with their dad because I couldnt afford childcare, they actucally went to live with his mother, he just happened to be there. One of my children was a depressed mess just as I was previously. (she is 5, so depression is a huge thing). I understood leaving a longterm realtionship. I understood having to move away from everything you know to start over. But!!!!!! He didnt seem to sound like he thought I understood. I everytime I asked about the divorce he kept accusing me (how it sounded, mayhave not been true) of trying to throw his ex to the curb. They were already over before I showed up and she was the one who ended it. I felt like I was living a life I already had on the opposite side. He came to my house played house and then had to attend to his ex. Like here's some freakin de javu. I tried talking to him and he just kept telling me about his son, i listened because if someone talks about something a lot it means it matters. though it isnt what I asked, as a parent I know that if it was between me and the son, I can hang it up. I had only asked two questions: 1)Where this going since you havent said anything about it since shit storm happened. 2) Are you still going to marry me?(what I really wanted to hear is that he loved me and would to be with me like I had for him). I asked last week when he was at my house, he agreed that I was right to feel like i was bottom of the list. I was right to feel like he was bouncing back and forth, but i was wrong because it was about his son not me. Again not what i had asked. I understand about his son. I felt whole again, but this weekend i had more time then i had before and i realized that i didnt get the answer to my questions. We argued on the phone for an hour and all he could say was he loved me and that nows not a good time to ask him since he wasnt ready to answer. I learned in my last relationship that closed mouths dont get fed. I decided to become very nonchalant. I grilled him just as if he was standing before judge judy. I kept telling him to answer my two questions. He said he felt that all he was doing wwas hurting me and that maybe he was not as put together as he thought. He said he couldnt answer me about marriage until he got out of his current one. I told him that its like being pregnant, you cant be kinda pregnant. You either want to fight to keep us going or you can be a quiter. He said he spent all his days fighting with his ex and son, that he felt too tired to fight with or for me. If i was so miserible then to break up with him. I told him that it wasnt fair that he asked me to marry him when my world was crashing down and when i asked him the same he couldnt give me an answer. He nagged me until i gave him an answer but its not the same when its him. He was just like i know its not fair. I kept pestering him to tell me what he wanted in or out. If he wanted out then we couldnt be friends either. Although not being friends hurt because we were best friends before all this. I admitted i am strong, but not that strong. Either youre here or you dont exist in my world.I am not perfect. After 5 mins of nagging him, he told fine just to end it. His tone said that wasnt what he wanted. He said he didnt want to end it, he just wanted a few hrs to think. I told him that the conversation was no different than the one last week so he had plenty of time to think. I did. I told him when he gets a chance to come get his stuff. Afterwards, i didnt cry, i wasnt totally upset. (this was about an hour ago. I played with my daughter who still lives with me, played with my cats, took a shower.) Then when i gave myself time to think, i felt regret. Did i just cut-off my only friend? Was i just being rash? Was i maybe reliving my previous relationship with him in the fact i wanted to have a voice where before i did not. When I say only friend, I totally mean it, thats not me being dramatic. If i had friends who i could call or go to, i wouldn't be here... or would i? Either way, did i do the right thing? Or maybe I should talk to him when he comes over to get his stuff.......? Help?
by on Sep. 2, 2013 at 7:59 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-8):
by on Sep. 2, 2013 at 8:17 PM
I think you did the right thing. He's not going to leave her for you. He wants both of you.
by on Sep. 3, 2013 at 8:25 AM
I think you have bigger things to think about than another man.
by Silver Member on Sep. 3, 2013 at 9:24 AM

 I think you did the right thing. He's obviously not ready to commit to only you. I don't even know why he asked you to marry him when he's not even ready for marriage himself. It seems like the two of you are both going through really difficult things right now with divorce and your own children, so even if he was ready to leave his ex, it seems too early to jump into anything right now. How long has it been since you've been with your ex? Is the divorce even final now? Are you trying to get your other children back living with you? I would sort all that out first before trying to settle down with a new man and start a new family.

by on Sep. 3, 2013 at 3:04 PM
I'd be trying to get my kids back before starting something else...
by on Sep. 3, 2013 at 7:04 PM

I kinda left some things out. I am now on better terms with my ex. We have came up with an arrangement in court where he is going to move here at the first of the year. We would have the kids 50/50. The answer to the other question, I haven't been with my ex in 3 years. Also my court date for the divorce final hearing is going to be set-up tomorrow. 

by on Sep. 4, 2013 at 1:22 AM
Please just concentrate on your kids. Relationships should be your last priority
by on Sep. 4, 2013 at 2:43 PM

Quoting Babybear89:

Please just concentrate on your kids. Relationships should be your last priority
by on Sep. 4, 2013 at 4:04 PM
I'd try to get the kids back before moving forward
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)