My DD's daddy and i have been "together" since after i found out i was pregnant. i had broken up with him before i found out because of a lying problem he had with me (he never cheated or anything like that.) but like, for example, he was in the army and had told me all about how he had gone to iraq once already, but couldn't go back again because he got shot in the butt and the bullet tore through the muscle that helps with walking. he never went to Iraq, or got shot in the ass... that was the major lie, i was so impressed when he told me that, then to hear from his mom that he lied about that, i was disappointed. then there were a bunch of little lies. i told him "one more lie and it's over, even just a little white lie, it's over." of course, he lied again....
so, i broke up with him, a week before halloween. halloween came and i wasn't feeling so great for a few days in a row, and it was just nausea, went and got the new clearblue digital test, positive for all 3 sticks. called him, he came over.. then we both had the tasks of telling our moms. everything went great, and we got back together (doctor tests positive, at 3 weeks preggy). one month later, all i did while he was anywhere near me, even in the same house as me, throw up/dry heave, all that "morning sickness" crap.. it was actually "baby daddy sickness," and he always irritated me with anything and everything. so we decided it was best if he was just not near me for the rest of the first trimester (which only had a month left), he took that as a break up, i say it was just a break because i wasn't able to keep any food down long enough for the baby to get any of it.. so it was best for the baby and me.
well, he goes off and does a bunch of stupid shit, hangs out with his "friends" and they let him use the truck that they stole off a dealer lot.. he gets caught and goes to jail for them, for the rest of my pregnancy, and doesn't get out til the sept. after baby is born(in july). now a year later, we've had our petty fights and all that, nothing big, but we've been on and off a few times more then i'd like. oh, and he really does treat me great, like a queen, its usually me that gets mad at somehing stupid, then hejust won't let me cool off about it, so i get even angrier and more things get added to my list of things that need to change, then i let them all out at once.. some of things are a bit hurtful to him, like "your a pushover sometimes" and he's to weak with me, and needs to stand up to women in general (mostly his mom and me) and because he's sensitive about that subject, it hurts his feelings, when i say them... but he really does need to try changing those things. he lets me control the relationship, then gets upset when something happens that he doesn't like... i want him to take charge at some point, but he won't let it happen.
sometimes, and now is one of them, i think "am i just with him because of our baby?" and if i really love him, or is it just the idea of "him" that i love? i'm 19, engaged to a guy that i don't even know if i really love, and a mother. i told him how i feel and that thought crosses my mind often, he assures that it's really love... but i don't know anymore. i'm scared to leave him too, because i dont feel like i would ever find anybody that treats me as good as he does or love me enough like him. and when i'm not with him, the times we were apart, i felt worthless, like all i was here for was to be mommy and thats it. i had no other purpose. when i'm with him, i feel great and have fun, and not so depressed... but sometimes with that, it feels like it's just sex... and really, thats the majority of the time.. i don't know what else to do anymore with my relationship or how to fix it.
and this was really just a vent post. but any support and advice would be greatly appreciated
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