Hello, my name is Tiffany. We have always wanted to adopt, but th years slipped by and after 5 years of trying and many losses we were blessed with 2 miracles that doctors said would never happen. We still talked about adopting, but the costs and us moving so much (military) made the prospect slim. Then 3 weeks ago we were contacted by a birth mother. Her and her husband already have 2 kids and are unable to take on another child. My husband and I are scared. We have of course heard the horror stories about birth parents changing their minds at birth. We live in a different country at the moment so for us this would be a huge leap of faith so we are praying for guidance and for the doors to open to the right path whatever that may be. Next week we see our lawyer for legal guidance, but my real issues are emotional. The potential for joy is enormous, as is the potential for heartbreak. She is only in her 3rd month, and I am so scared she will change her mind after months and months of preparing. I have 2 small children along for the ride, and will have to juggle the emotional issues, along with deployments and raising a 1 year old and 3 year old, adoption across country borders that require relocating to the USA for months to finish adoption and getting passport and birth certificate, etc. It is scary, and I am going on faith alone. I know I am far from the first to go through this, so some advice would be great lol!
I know I'm not in the same situation as you exactly, but we're not that far off in circumstances. In 2007, after TTC for nearly 4 years, my husband and I brought home a beautiful baby girl. It was our 3rd attempt at adoption, the first two having gone terribly awry. Much like your situation we were contacted by my best friend (who was the husband of a friend of the birth mother) and informed of the situation and asked if we were still wanting to adopt. At first I said no. 4 years of disappointments and 2 adoption attemps that left me bruised.. but my heart changed my mind pretty quickly and upon Meeting her it was love at first sight.
Our adoption will be final on August 20th of this year. Moving counties, and slowness on the courts and our attorneys has slowed this down, but we are finally having it done. It's been a 3 year long emotional roller coaster, but I wouldn't take any of it back. When we'd had our daughter for about a year, the birth mother started lurking around, causing problems. Her parental rights were severed, so there wasn't much she could do besides cause drama and stress, which she reveled in. She didn't want DD back, she was just in a spot of trouble and expected us to get her out of it.
All I can tell you sweetie is go with your gut, think with your heart as well as your head. Yes she could change her mind, and that would be painful for you and your husband. But what if she doesn't? I'm sure deep down she doesn't want this, but if she honestly can't take care of the child, then she knows this is what is best. Talk it over, talk with your husband, talk with your lawyer. Find out what would be required of you since you're out of country right now, and talk some more, because until the child is born, that's pretty much all you can do. LOL
It was the scariest decision I ever made Tiffany.. but it was also the best decision I ever made. To put my heart back on my sleeve just one last time.. and now I have a vivacious 3 year old (going on 13) who I couldn't imagine my life without. I'm here if you need to rant, rave.. chat, whatever. Send me a message or something. I know this has been long, but I wish you all the luck in the world with your decision. :)
If you need to talk to someone from the military perspective; message me. My husband and I are in the process of finalizing an adoption and my husband is active duty navy.
When do you tell them?
- TiffanyMili
on Aug. 10, 2010 at 3:52 PM