DS's Brother...Need advice

[Babygurl8201]

My DS has two little brother mine and DH's son and BM and her XH's little boy who is 5months older than our son...I adopted my DS in June and DS does not remember that he has another little brother since he was 3 the last time he saw him and is now 5 and his brother was just a few months old and is now 2..So yesterday we went to my cousin's little girls bday party..My cousin is BM's X and since they are no longer together we can be in the same place as one another...So both of my DS's played with DS brother and he has no idea that it was even his brother and also did not remember his step-dad which I did not think that he would...Well my cousin and I decied that after him and BM get everything settled in court that DS and his brother should get to know each other..And I have wanted this for awhile but we could not go though BM because she will not allow it....But they are brothers and they should know...Am i right? and  if so how should we go about this? What should we say to DS? I know that it is going to be awhile before all their court stuff is over, but I just want to be prepared...Also YDS and the brother will go to school together and I don't want them to be confused on things...Any advice on how to handle this will help...Or should we not tell them and just let it go? What do you all think? 

[proudmomalexis]

I would hope that there is a way where you can explain this to a 5 yr old and let him grow up with his brother. I always hated those stories where there are family secrets no one told twenty years later. I think it is a good idea to let him know he has a brother.My concern would be how do you explain it to a 5 yr old. The simplier the better. At five he isnt gonna understand alot of it which makes it easier really. Trust your feelings and do the right thing

[AnGLInterrupted]

I don't have this problem so I probably don't have any real advice for you.  I fully plan on telling DD that she's adopted, and have started the process of letting her know.  She's only 2 so I don't think she gets it yet, and might not for a long time.

She's got a 4 year old brother from her BM (I'm sure they have different fathers) and I fully intend on letting her know about him.  I doubt she'll meet him until after she's 18, probably not even then.  I won't keep her from him though.

Now MY family history is jacked up.  My mother and father had me, but they had two other sons by different women/men each.  My OLDEST brother (now 30 I think) was raised by my MOM's mother.  Adopted by him infact.  My second oldest brother, my dad had him with another woman and her family made her adopt the child out.  I think he would be a year and a half older than me.  My oldest YOUNGEST brother, was raised by my mother and step-father so no complications there, and my youngest brother was raised by my ex-step mother.  I was raised by my FATHER'S mother (not adopted, just custody).  OMG I need therapy just writing this, but I do have a point, trust me.

From the get-go our family always knew the situation with my oldest brother and grandmother.  We always knew about the adoption even when we were little and since we grew up with it we were fine.  I didn't quite understand until I was older, but the knowledge was there.

My other oldest brother that was adopted out..  I didn't even find out about him until I was 14.  I didn't talk to my mom (grandmother) for weeks.  I was so mad.  I was angry at my father for not stopping the adoption, I wondered what he looked like, what his personality would be like etc.  It wasn't until I was older that I started to understand what my FATHER had to be going through all of this time, having a son out there with no clue about him at all.

But back to me..  It was easier and more acceptable to know about my oldest brother's adoption, and be around him and grow up with it.  It was confusing as a child because my mother's mom wanted me to think that Mike was my uncle, when he's really my brother.  I accept the adoption, but I just don't see him as my uncle.  But I was always be a little angry that this other child, this other brother was kept from me.  If you can understand what I'm saying.

OMG this has been long.  I'm confusing MYSELF now.  But the point I'm trying to make is that I think it would be better to sit DS down and explain to him the (simple) dynamics of it.  That way he grows up with the knowledge and acceptance of it.  Children have a far easier time accepting things like that then young adults or adults.  As the years grow by and the questions get more complicated, so can the answers.  But I think a simple explanation would due for now.

Sorry for this taking up 14 computer screens, but I'm done now.  GL hun..  I wish you all the best.

[Babygurl8201]

Quoting AnGLInterrupted:

I don't have this problem so I probably don't have any real advice for you.  I fully plan on telling DD that she's adopted, and have started the process of letting her know.  She's only 2 so I don't think she gets it yet, and might not for a long time.

She's got a 4 year old brother from her BM (I'm sure they have different fathers) and I fully intend on letting her know about him.  I doubt she'll meet him until after she's 18, probably not even then.  I won't keep her from him though.

Now MY family history is jacked up.  My mother and father had me, but they had two other sons by different women/men each.  My OLDEST brother (now 30 I think) was raised by my MOM's mother.  Adopted by him infact.  My second oldest brother, my dad had him with another woman and her family made her adopt the child out.  I think he would be a year and a half older than me.  My oldest YOUNGEST brother, was raised by my mother and step-father so no complications there, and my youngest brother was raised by my ex-step mother.  I was raised by my FATHER'S mother (not adopted, just custody).  OMG I need therapy just writing this, but I do have a point, trust me.

From the get-go our family always knew the situation with my oldest brother and grandmother.  We always knew about the adoption even when we were little and since we grew up with it we were fine.  I didn't quite understand until I was older, but the knowledge was there.

My other oldest brother that was adopted out..  I didn't even find out about him until I was 14.  I didn't talk to my mom (grandmother) for weeks.  I was so mad.  I was angry at my father for not stopping the adoption, I wondered what he looked like, what his personality would be like etc.  It wasn't until I was older that I started to understand what my FATHER had to be going through all of this time, having a son out there with no clue about him at all.

But back to me..  It was easier and more acceptable to know about my oldest brother's adoption, and be around him and grow up with it.  It was confusing as a child because my mother's mom wanted me to think that Mike was my uncle, when he's really my brother.  I accept the adoption, but I just don't see him as my uncle.  But I was always be a little angry that this other child, this other brother was kept from me.  If you can understand what I'm saying.

OMG this has been long.  I'm confusing MYSELF now.  But the point I'm trying to make is that I think it would be better to sit DS down and explain to him the (simple) dynamics of it.  That way he grows up with the knowledge and acceptance of it.  Children have a far easier time accepting things like that then young adults or adults.  As the years grow by and the questions get more complicated, so can the answers.  But I think a simple explanation would due for now.

Sorry for this taking up 14 computer screens, but I'm done now.  GL hun..  I wish you all the best.

DS knows that I adopted and he remembers BM...She was not very nice to him or to his Step-Brother and sister...But He don't remember his brother...And I want them to know each other because they will be around each other more now that BM and her husband are divorcing...I mean his step-brother and sister go to the same school as him and his step-sister and my DS are in the same kindergarten class...Small town..lol..So I really want to tell him that the little boy that he plays with is his brother, but I don't know how is going to react to it right now..And I am also kinda waiting on things between BM and her EH to  be sorted out in court, because I don't want to tell him then something happens and he can't see him anymore becasue of BM..