When do you tell them?

[zmom2]

Hi!  I am new to this group and thrilled to be here! :) we just completed the adoption of our second daughter.    we are now proud parents of a 2 1/2 year old and a 16 month old, both girls, bio sisters.

When I received my first daughter birth certificate and now wait for my seconds daughters there is a part me that wishes I never had to tell them.  I am lucky because they basically look like my husband so no one would really know.  And  then I think it would make life easier for them not having the stigma.  Of course I cant do that though....first I have to be honest and secondly way too many people know our story.

so now when?  My thoughts are just to keep it out there.  Having pictures displayed of the adoption day and just letting them always know.  my husband thinks it should wait until they are older and then it becomes a sit down discussion.

When did you all tell?  Or are going to tell them?  How did it work for you?  thank you for your responses!

[HeatherWard]

In my opinion, the "stigma" isn't there.  Your children will feel about adoption the way you feel about it.  If you are proud and feel blessed to have adopted them (which I am sure you do!), they will also share in this.  You chose them...you wanted them...they began to grow in your heart at the moment you started this process.  As an adoptive mom, my best advice is start making their adoption a part of the story about how you created a beautiful family.  And do it from this moment on!  From the moment we brought our son home from the hospital, I started by talking to him and telling him how lucky I felt to be his mommy and that I am so happy that his birthmom took such good care of him while he was in her tummy.  I told him that from the moment we found out that we were going to be his mommy and daddy, we knew God brought his birthmom and us together so that we could be a family.  We would read, "Tell Me Again About the Night I was Born" and I just edited the story a bit so it fit our situation a little better.  There are so many wonderful story books  written for children about adoption.  There is an new book out written by a birthmother (Kelsey Stewart), for children, called, "The Best for You." This may be a great place to start...reading a children's story. Making it normal...making it joyous...making it beautiful.  Talking about how wonderful it is that families are created in so many different ways.  But, the one thing they all have in common is that they were created by love.  Adoption is a wonderful way to create and build a family and if you are proud of it, they will also be proud.   I can promise you that talking about adoption is really easy when you are honest and open from day one.  You shouldn't have any fear about begin honest with your children.  The longer you wait...the harder it will be.  You don't want your children to ever say to you..."why did you lie to me?  Why didn't you tell me?"  That would be devastating for a child and as a parent, it would break my heart to hear.  Let go of any fear you may have and let it all be about love and joy and a true blessing - your little girls!

[maxjake2]

I totally understand what you are feeling!  I think its only natural.  I used to feel the same way.  I know....you love them so much that you don't want them to be hurt in any way...and wonder how they will feel about the situation.  BUT...the ladies in the group are wonderful.  I don't post much, but I read everyday.  They taught me a lot.  Adoption is wonderful...and nothing to be hidden.  Like the lady in the first post...if you are proud, your children will be proud.   My son will be three at the end of the month.  I started a scrapbook for him...and even have pictures of his sonogram.  He loves to look at that book.  I tell him the truth.  "That's when you were still inside Stephanie's belly and still growing"....you were'nt born yet.  Then I have pics from the hospital and when me and my husband got to hold him for the first time....and I tell him that too.  I have pictures of the adoption agency...from the day we brought him home.  And tell him just that.  If you start using the words now...they won't be shocked later.   I tell my son how blessed I am that God choose me and my husband to be his Mommy and Daddy.  He will know his whole story. Its a fact that he has a bio mother and father...and that we are they adoptive parents.  It took me a bit to come to grips with that.  But its all good... I hope that he will someday be proud and happy that we are his parents too! 

[mcginnisc]

My best advice is to begin NOW. They are old enough to begin to grasp the concept of adoption and to understand parts of their stories. Adoption is nothing to be hidden in a closet....ever.

If you wait until they are older, you risk a lot of turmoil in their lives. They may resent you for not being open with them from the beginning. Every child  deserves to know their own story...bio or adopted.

Our daughter is internationally adopted, so she looks nothing like either of us. She looks like a beautiful Chinese girl. She knows she was adopted and has another set of parents half a world away. She loves to hear her story and will tell everyone she sees that she is adopted from China.

It is vital to their well being to know that they are adopted. It will encourage positive dialogue between your children and yourselves.

Claire

[twobutterflys]

Everyone has such wonderful thoughts that I totally agree with. We have used a lot of wonderful books. My latests is called a Family Forever. My girls are 5 and I am beginning to feel because adoption has always been a part of our life, is the reason it's no big deal. I always thought there would be this defining moment. Instead it's little conversation at the oddest times and I am so glad I read, and thought about talking to them. What happens with us is a question is asked and I can honestly answer it in no big deal kinda of way. Examples laying in bed and one will ask about their birth, or standing in the shower at a National Park campground and out comes, mommy my skin is brown your's is white. The best advice I heard is to keep things age appropriate and continue to expand on the story as they get older. So many kids will get the story a few times in there life and then it's never talked about again. They say as they get older is when they ponder and want more and if we haven't built a foundation of truth that is when kids will feel bad about adoption. Sorry to be so rambly.

[MommaLyon]

My advise is tell them now and tell them often.  Let it become part of their "language", of their "story" so that there are no shocks later on.  My son is 3 years old and we are in the process of adopting a second, third and fourth child, all from foster care, like my son.  So the process is a daily conversation is our house.  The social workers, the lawyers, the adoption process is an ongoing thing.  The kids are growing up with it being a part of their conscious language.  We'll take lots of pictures at the adoptions and look back on Ben's adoption pictures and talk about when the three of them will be adopted and what their adoption books will look like.  Will it be summer?  Will Ara get a pretty dress for her adoption?  When will the adoption party be?  And they're only 2 and 3.....but they get it.  We'll continue to talk about it and look back on the pictures as they grow, even though I'm sure they will be my last foster to adopt babies.  But because we will make it such a common place thing and we will continue to have such open relationships with their birth families, I hope that the "stigma" of being adopted will not have such an impact of their lives. 

[MaddieAnna]

Our boys were 1 and 3 when we got them. They have a few visits with their birth parents over the year before we adopted. We tell them all the time how much we prayed for them and how blessed we are to be their mommy and daddy. With our Princess we brought her home from the hospital. There is part of me who doesn't want to tell her but I know that we will.

I will admit that my biggest fear is that they will run to their birth parents when they get older. It terrifies me that I could lose my babies to "another woman" one day but I know that is irrational. I want to be honest with my kids so they will always know they can trust me.

[hockeymom626]

Hello,

I am also new here and thrilled to be here!

My child was adopted internationally in 1996 and is now 14yrs old. Since day one we began the process of making adoption a part of her life. We are blessed to have adopted this beautiful little girl and we want her to be proud of her heritage as we are. I started with simple things such as : If a plane went by in the sky , I would say look that's how you got here with us and what a trip we had! I'm sure at 13 months old much of it didn't sink in but with each opportunity we had , we took it. At 3yrs , I made a small photo album of her own including her orphange pictures being placed in the front. The album was of all the 1st's. She grew up proud of her Chinese and Russian culture and last year built a website on international adoption including her journey here. It was is so beautiful!! Today she is a 9th grader - where do the years go?? A wonderful well adjusted proud kid who knows she was chosen and that God sent her to us. There are times when I listen to her and think she should be a spokesperson for adoption :). She knows how much she was and is wanted. My opinion is to make their adoption journey part of their lives as early as possible. Reading the other posts, I have to agree that there are many great childrens books out there and I think we read them all when she was little.

Wishing you the best

[kkwdw]

I am adopted and my mother told me from day one. I can't ever remember not knowing.  But it is hard.  I thought I would have all the answers when I adopted my little girl because i am adopted but boy is it hard.  She is eight. I adopted her when she was a year and half. I never did hide it from her.  First, I always wondered what if someone just let it slip.  I don't want her hearing it from someone else.  Second, it's a beautiful thing. She is a blessing, and I wondered what she would think if i waited until she was older that she would wonder why i waited.  It's nothing to be ashamed of.  I tell her how special she is and that she was chosen.  We chose her.  As for her birth mom, she loved her so much that she gave her to someone who could take care of her because she was unable to.  From there i just answer her questions as honest and open as i can. 

[lilylucy7]

Everything about this topic scares me ill be honest!! Its so past time to have "the talk" with my 6yr old DD who is starting to ask questions about my pregnancy EEEEK!!