My heartwrenching goodbye to my Stepdad.

[LuvMyBellaGirl]

I wrote this at 2 am, because I honestly can't take this situation anymore.  Please read this LONG letter I sent him, and give me your advice.  It pretty much tells the whole story, but I will be happy to answer any questions you may have as well.

Am I selfish to send him this?  Honestly, I'm not trying to be.  I simply cannot do this anymore.  It hurts too damn much!

I'm sorry I haven't been home when you've called.  I have missed you very much over the past few years, and so have the kids. 

But there are things we need to discuss.  My kids and I have already sat down together and had a conversation about our family, about E E, and about you living there with your new wife.  At the end of our talk.....none of the kids ever wanted to go back there again.  Of course, I haven't been there since I found out about your secret about your wife moving in.  There is no way she and I could both be inside my mother's home, the place where my mother took her last breath, together and have a real conversation.  Not after the way you all began this, sneaking around and hiding the fact that you were together.  That you were bringing another woman into my mom's marital bed.  Into the very same bed where she spent so much time with me and the grandkids, just talking, napping, and occasionally even laughing and smiling, as we'd wrap our arms around one another and just enjoy whatever time God would allow us to stay that way.  Those were my favorite days.  My memories are there, in that house, in the house where you now let your wife sleep on the same bed where my beautiful mother took her last breath.  It wasn't right, how you hid it from us.  How my mother came to tell me in a dream.  It was crazy.  I trusted you.  I thought you were my father.  I thought you would understand my grief more than anyone else on earth.  I thought you were there to protect me, too.  To help me get through the horrible pain.....but you moved on.  You brought her in to live in that house where my mom was so happy.  You found your replacement wife.  But how do you get rid of the guilt?  Unless you never really loved mama as much as you originally anticipated you would, so you quickly found a replacement wife to take over where she left off.  Her collections of things, her pots and pans and China from Cheese, her letters and knick knacks in the curio cabinet that she treasured.  Her photo albums.  Her music and movies.  The furniture she picked out, so excitedly.  None of that was meant to belong to your new wife.  She did nothing to deserve my dead mother's treasures.  Her house.  Her money.  My mom scrimped and saved every penny for all of her life, wouldn't even buy a purse that she liked.  No, she wanted to save her money for the future.  But her future ended all too soon, and now another woman is living the very life my mom deserved to have gotten the chance to live.  This woman will never fit in there.  She will never feel as if she belongs in your dead wife's home.  She knows she will never, ever be accepted by anyone of your step grandkids, or your step daughter from your dead wife.  It just can't keep up like this.  It's been a joke for the past few years, a lot of 'playing nice' going around and around.  I'm stopping it now, before the holidays hit and before you feel guilted into coming by or asking for the kids for a night over at my mom's house with your new wife.  I can't accept it anymore.  The kids want to be at E'E's house, not Christys.  They don't understand why she's there, in E E' s house in the first place, no more than I do.  This can't keep up, these little visits.  It has to stop, and it has to stop now.  I have to protect my children from more hurt and confusion.  I have to keep them safe, and I have to know they are with someone who cares about them and their well being the way my mom cared about them and loved them with all of her soul.  She wanted them to have a life there, in her home.  She told me so, over and over.  She made me promise in the end that I would never leave.  She said that was my home, too, for all of my life.  And I really felt that it was, especially after you all signed the will.  I couldn't see the love in it as much then, but I understand it all now.  She just wanted to make sure I would be where I felt happy, safe, and had all the memories of her that I needed there to get on with my life.  But now, we're not even allowed in the front door.  Nor should we be.  Our lives have changed.  You've moved on to your next wife.  My mom was replaceable to you.  But not to me.  Not to my kids.  Not even to my dad.  So, we have nothing left in common anymore.  You did all of these things without my knowledge.  You wanted to be with her so badly, that you forgot my mom's only wishes.  You let her come between us, and tear our family even further apart than it was after mama died.  Now all I ask is that you go along your way, and I'll go along mine.  Our family ties were broken the moment that woman carried her things into my mom's house.  The moment she slept in Mama's bed, she took all the good memories I had of being there right away.  You've destroyed what little bit of my mom I had left, I can't even visit her home.  My kids can't go there and remember the things they did with her because there is a new woman in the kitchen, a new woman in her bedroom, a new woman who could care less about the pain she is causing a whole family of people to feel by going against a dead woman's wishes for her family.  And you, you are the last person I thought would ever hurt me.  I trusted you like you were my father.  I believed in you above all else.  I trustsed that we would be a happy family, MAMA'S family, forever more.  But that dream is long gone.  We are strangers now.  Only the house stands still, only the house knows the truth. 

 

My kids will not be spending time with you anymore.  I don't think it's wise to come by for the holidays, or to send Christmas presents.  They have to start to realize that you have real grandkids now, with your real son.  And your real wife is no longer OUR beloved EE.  She's gone.  You've found what you want, even if it excludes the rest of us.

 

So, please, this is the last time I will ask.....please don't call.  Please don't contact us anymore.  Please DO know that I am thankful for the times we shared with my mother when she was still here with us, when we almost seemed like a real family.  But those times are never to be again, not while that woman is trying to take my mother's place in that home.  My mother had a lot of dreams for that home, she didn't know that she was building those dreams for you and your new wife to live them in her stead.  With a house full of her belongings that she treasured.

 

There is no going back now.  We can only look toward the future.  I wish you well.  I know you are happy.  I am letting you go now because of it.  You once needed me, but you don't need me or my children to make it thorugh life.  You have a new family, new children and grandchildren to replace us all with, just as you replaced my Mama. 

 

I just ask that you let us go.  Let us try to heal.  We have a hard time this time of year, still.  I don't want to make it worse by any means, but you have to know how your phone calls and visits destroy whatever progress I've rebuilt each time.  You have to know I had dreams, too.  And they were nothing like this.  My mama never would've wanted this.  She thought we'd be a big, happy family forever.  She told us to take care of one another.  This would break her heart. 

 

I'm sorry, but it's the way things have got to be.  I have to say goodbye now.  I've explained to my children why they can't go to the house to visit anymore.  There are too many changes, they said.  EE's stuff is slowly being taken down, replaced.  Memories of her life there are being wiped out little by little.  I would never do to a grieving family what your new wife has done to us.

 

So, please, just leave us in peace, and let us all go.  We shared something very special for a while, and you were my family.  You were my father.  But it wasn't meant to be.  I can see that now.  Go on with your life, be happy with your wife, your son, your grandkids.  Box up my mom's things and leave them with Jacinta, if you don't want to keep them there in your new wife's house. 

 

I will always be grateful for the way you took care of my mother when she was so sick.  For standing by me through that whole, terrible ordeal.  I will always keep those times in my heart.  But now it's time we say goodbye.  I loved you.  Take care of yourself, watch your health.  Tell David I'm sorry, but I'm not like him.  I can't just forget what hurts me and accept what is wrong.  Tell him it would've really been nice to have a brother, nieces and nephews, even.  A sister in law, maybe, too.  But all of that was not meant to be for me.

 

So, goodbye, good luck, and have a long, happy life with your wife.  I'd say to take care of yourself, but then again, you have her now to look after you for me.

 

Thanks for the past, we all loved you very much

Bobbi Jo

[Bearsjen]

Oh Honey(hugs) let me start by saying it was so wrong og=f him not to let you know from the beginning, that he was seeingn someone, because then you could ave been prepared. But your question was"is this letter selfish"...

Bonnie, I adore you and i know your grief...but yes honey, this letter is venom. And the thing is, its your venom, your anger, your gref and hurt. You have no clue whats in his head. You lost your mom, he lost a lover, and I personally have no idea what that is like...but I cannot bear to think about if Billy suddenly died...makes my stomach turn in an instant. I think that you need to sit on this letter, please dont send it. If you do at some point, you are goign to regret it more than anything, and I would hate that for you.

Have you ever had it out with him? sat down and told him how unbearable this is for you?As a motherless daughter, I agree and understand every word you wrote to him, but as someone who is objective...its emotional blackmail. All i could think was,"why are the kids not seeing him when its Bonnie who is angry"...and yes I get they are upset too, but sweetie could they be feeding off of your rage? Just a thought...we have talked before about how no one expects the stages of grief to jump around, or to revisit us yrs later...but they do. Your letter is proof of that rage.Rage and powerless ness and desperation...a last ditch effort to have the pain be dulled... lets say(in some odd world) step dad get s the letter and says"omg I had no clue, get out new wife"...will that really make you happy? Or would you just like him to agknowledge your deep hurt, because it seems like he hasnt?Can you ask him to sell the house? so they can buy their OWN place? is that possible financially for him?

Iguess thats what you have to ask yourself Bon, what is the motivation behind this letter, in this fashion? It may seem to you that you were not mean, disrespectful or anything like that, just sharing your feelings right? but the content alone,... if you really looked to this man like a father, doesnt he deserve to have a chance to defend/explain/thro himself at your feet and beg forgiveness? Can you live with knowing this letter is out there int he world, and you put it there? Because if you are hoping it will "wake" him up ...no hon, it will cut the last tenacious line between you, it will for certain.

I pray you are not angry with me, and will give some thought to just holding onto this letter, maybe even read it TO him face to face so you can show him how hurt you are, but not hide...idk, let me know what you think ok? I love you.

[LuvMyBellaGirl]

I did send it, at 2 am this morning.  I admit, I do things like this when I am upset without thinking them through.  I've always been that way.  If I think it, I have to get it out after a while.  And this stuff has been festering for YEARS now.  I drove past my mom's house twice this week, and saw that witch's car in the drive....and it hit me all over again how SHE is living my mom's dream.  It isn't fair.  It hurts me, and it hurts my kids.  And I've told my stepdad how much we are hurting....but he keeps pushing, and pushing.  So I felt there was no alternative but to cut him loose, to let him go, and to move on with my life while he does the same.

Yes, he's got plenty of money.  He could easily sell the house, and I WOULD BUY IT in a heartbeat.  Whatever the price!  In fact my mom willed it to me....yet stepdad won't even give me a copy of that will.  That's another sore spot in our relationship.  Last year, he told my dad he'd GIVE me the house if he thought that would make everything okay between us again.  But, then he renigged on that as well.  I just don't trust him anymore.

As far as the kids go, they hate his wife.  They love him, though they can't bear to see how everything is changing in the house.  Stepdad's wife has gotten rid of all their toys,  has changed my and the kids bedrooms, has done away with all my mom's decor and knick knacks.  Yet no one will give me these things that are now unwanted?  I don't understand.  I just want to shield my children from the pain that I am suffering from.  And my only way to protect them is to keep them away from him, too.

I miss my mama so much.

Bobbi

[Bearsjen]

Oh see a few things yu just mentioned change things completely. I agree Bonnie, it seems like at this point strictly looking at the fact he wont show you the will, and you HAVE told him how this is tearing you all apart, a break may be the thing to do. I am not saying that its the perfect way to handle it, but hell who here hasnt said or done something in grief that maybe was not the smoothest. I still can feel your rage Bonnie...its tangible honey...be careful with that baby girl ok? It will eat you, no one else, just you...and mom would hate that for you and you know it. How to stop it tho? I wish I knew(hugs)

as for the will, get a lawyer hon, with a house at stake they will take it and get money from him. If she truly willed it to you and didnt change it last minute, you have to fight. You will regret it if you dont I think.

love you and very glad you were not mad at me.