My birthday is coming up

[mefingas]

And I miss my mom. She always made it special.  It doesn't help the last birthday I had i should have known something was wrong when she didn't send me a package instead just a card and a check.  I should have noticed something was wrong in her voice. Little did I know that she knew something was wrong, she changed her will on my bday.  4 years ago seemed so different. My bday started out great got a prenatal massage, then while hanging out with my mil house I bleed a little so we drove 30 min back to the hospital. Everything was fine but it still was scary.  I called my mom when we were on the way back from the hospital. I shouldn't have told her because that was the final reason she didn't want to tell me.  I just need to get these negative feelings off my chest.  I need to let go.  I need to gain some peace because my dad is coming to visit on my bday and I know I need to find peace so I don't go running away screaming at him. 

Oh by the way we found out we are having a little boy.  Part of me is sad because the few outfits that my mom got for chloe wont be able to be used.  But part of me scared because I know nothing of little boys. Part of me is relieved to know that my bond with chloe will be special. 

My birthday is Feb 17th.  It is weird to think I will be 31.  I feel like I am turning more into my mom by wanting to buy some stuff for my face to keep it from aging too much.  lol.  Oh well.  I wish i was excited like I was the last pregnancy but it isn't happening yet. I haven't even made a baby quilt for my little guy. Oh well.

Thanks ladies for listening to me.

[teddybear2272]

sorry i didnt get to this sooner.  bdays r so hard weather it's urs, ur mom's or the kids.  my youngest bday is 2days before the my mom's anniversary of her passing, my middle one will always be as old as the years my moms has been gone.  and my oldest was the only one my mom got to see born and have a bday.  so they r had for me to get excited about. so i know the feeling of wanting to be happy but just not being able to. u r bless to be having another one.  and with time u will get all "giddy" about it like the 1st time.  one thing u can do is go out and buy something for him that u think ur mom would have picked for him.  and while making the quilt put on music  that reminds you of ur mom or watch videos of her while u work on it.  that way she is on ur mind and helping u make it.  (((hugs))) luv u me 

[michellec814]

I understand about Birthdays.  Every time my birthday comes around, I get sad because the last time I saw my mom before she ended up in the hospital was on my birthday.  She came out to dinner with us but she couldnt breathe even with her oxygen, she couldnt eat because she couldnt breathe.  I went home and BAWLED because my mom was at the worst I had ever seen her.  The next day she was admitted to the hospital.  4 days later she died.  So now I associate my birthday with her death. Not good.

Anyways, lots of things triggers memories.  Special dates, scents, pictures, events, etc.  Sometimes you can plan for them (dates, etc) and sometimes you can't.  (suddenly hearing a song that reminds you of her or smelling a perfume or makeup she used to wear).  Its difficult no matter what age we are.  Hugs!