I am writting a paper for interpersonal communication.. and i decided to do it on online relationships... intimate ones specifically that end in marriage for young adults. This is the intro to my paper, but i am feeling kinda shaky on it... any tips?
Online Relationships: Intimacy on the Internet
Over the course of the past thirty years alone, courtship and dating has undergone drastic changes. A young adult in today's age has enormous amount of tools and freedom to date any person they chose and date them in any way they want. The internet has opened new worlds to people all across the country, connecting them with people they would have never dreamed of communicating with in real life. So for example, a young American boy could fall in love with a Swedish girl he met in date chat room, meet her, and marry her. A single mother with no time for real life relationships between work and child rearing can find a soul-bearing friend where she feels safe to reveal her life's joys and burdens. These are true stories and there are several more similar instances that demonstrate an interesting shed of light to the intimate relationships that are formed over the vast World Wide Web. Many are not always aware, but single adults have increased their interest in online dating, but with such an increase present the world with a whole new set of advantages and disadvantages of interpersonal relationships developed online.
IN red, my thesis statement.... so what do you think?
Over the course of the past thirty years alone, courtship and dating has undergone drastic changes. A young adult in today's age has a vast number of enormous amount of tools and freedom to date any person they chooseand date them in any way they want. The Internet has opened new worlds to people all across the country, connecting them with people they would have never dreamed of communicating with in real life. So for example, a young American boy could fall in love with a Swedish girl he met in date chat room, meet her, and marry her. A single mother with no time for real life relationships between work and child rearing can find a soul-bearing friend where she feels safe to reveal her life's joys and burdens. These are true stories and there are several more similar instances that demonstrate an interesting trend in shed of light to the intimate relationships that are formed over the vast World Wide Web. Many are not always aware It may not be widely known, but single adults have increased their interest in online dating,; but with such an increase presents the world with a whole new set of advantages and disadvantages connected to the of interpersonal relationships developed online.
This sounds really interesting. There isn't much to change, in my opinion, but I would tend to use more direct formulations in some cases. (That is my personal style, though) I have drawn a line through things I would take away and made my additions or changes in red.
I might try to punch up your thesis statement a bit. The way I read it, we might say this instead:
The increasing interest in online dating for single adults presents the world with an entirely new set of interpersonal issues to deal with due to the nature of the communication medium.
Aww, you're welcome. I'm glad to help.
I'm sure you know about this, but I'll mention this for the benefit of anybody who is looking for tips. I always recommend that people make an outline complete with thesis sentences for each section before starting a longer writing project. I know it sounds boring and old fashioned, but if you do the outline and stick to it, it will make your work so much easier because it helps you collect your thoughts about what is important before you start writing and keep you on track. In the end, it will save you a lot of editing.
Math Tutor
- jadenember
on Oct. 29, 2008 at 12:24 AM