I'm in pain, I'm thinking I don't think I want to have any more kids, my biggest fear was a c csection, but I was surprisingly relaxed when I wasn't able to push her out....didn't start freaking out til I realized they took her away and I couldn't hold her. I'm a lot more into her than my BF right now ( which is why I have to go BACK to the hospital tomorrow, cuz neither one of us signed the damn birth certificate) I'm on Percs and motrin. Breastfeeding is SO relaxing. I literally have to feed her against the wall in the corner on the bed cuz I start to doze off like she does. Although in pain, I still feel pretty amazing ( as long as I'm doped up) I'm looking at my body, and really surprised by my stretch marks...there wasn't so many BEFORE I had her...they're really light though, I actualy kinda enjoy them, like little badges of honor. Did I mention my emotions are psycho? Not mean or anything just can't seem to go a day without crying. My bf thought I was in pain cuz I was in the backseat with the baby crying softly, but, I'm not sad, I'm just amazingly BLESSED. I know she came to me ONLY by the Grace of God....I kinda screwed up as a parent before, but I can't do that this time. I want everything to be about her. I pray my selfishness NEVER causes me to hurt her in any way. I've been trying to tell myself to pick up the bible, because I know it's ok and He forgives me....but the flesh has a lot more control over me than I thought...and I'm really afraid of taking the wrong path. I've decided I want to make sure I'm really hearing God, before I move. I lied to myself and told myself that I heard God telling me to be with my BF..I do love and care about him greatly, but I don't think that our relationship was the will of God. Only true time and listening will tell.
In the past week ALONE, I've learned so much about myself, that I need to work on. Truth is, I'm scared. I'm not as confident as I was before in God, and I know that's all on me letting satan get in my head. I can talk a good game, but when I had to be truly honest with myself and talked to someone that really sees through me. She made it impossible for me to be anything but honest.
So, I'm working on a new me. To be the best me God can offer. The best parent I can be. To grow up and be a SHINING example to my children.
OAN: My bf "cleaned" I appreciate his efforts ( he also got me flowers, first time EVER omg) once I heal up enough ( I'm thinking this weekend) I want to clean up a bit more....I know I'm really emotional cuz I just wanna lay up under him with the baby...trying not to, it takes a lot for me to put her in her bassinet, but I know this is for my OWN sanity and her safety...and I also don't want him lookin at me like wtf is wrong with you? LMAO well, yeah...that's that...the most important part was in BLUE