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African American Mommies African American Mommies

I don't feel like a real woman.... (long)

Posted by on Jan. 27, 2013 at 3:38 PM
  • 33 Replies

 I don't know how to cook. Like actual food. Ramen noodles check, hot dogs check, instant mashed potatoes check again, hamburger shouldn't be too hard, canned  vegetables can be microwaved other than that nothing. I want to be independant and get my own place because I feel like living at home is hindering me from becoming a real woman.

Here at home I pay no bills other than paying my mother for watching my son while I work, my cell phone and gas in the car other than that nothing. I feel like I'm not a real woman. I mean everything is done for me, my son, my twin brother as well as my cousin. My mother cooks because she says I can't. She washes the clothes because she says that no one can wash them like her when all you have to do is seperate the clothes by colors, put them in the washing machine and let it do its thing. Washing dishes? Nope can't do that either. She says she can only wash her dishes in a certain way. Its like are you serious??

She has basically raised my son since the day he came home from the hospital. Not because I couldn't but because she felt she knew better The 1st year he was with her so much because I was working and in school that he called her mama 1st until I straightened it out . I was 16 at the time and he was/is my first so I guess she felt like she was teaching me the ropes. Here we are 8 years later and he goes to her for EVERYTHING! Permission to do everything from watching tv to being put to sleep. In order for him to go to sleep, she will sing him a song and rub his back and he sleeps with her at night most nights. I tell her that he is too old for that but she thinks he will eventually outgrow it.

I know its a hard world out there and I appreciate my mother for everything she has done for me but at the same time, she isn't going to be here forever. Life ends in death for everyone and I feel like if I am accustomed to staying at home and being cared for, once she passes (which I hope doesn't happen for like 25 more years FX'ed :D ) I will be shell shocked into reality you know?

I don't know how to assert my independance without totally screwing myself over. I mean I'm 24 (will be 25 in September) I'm ready to grow up and come into my own. I know the door is always open if I need/want to come back but I want to experience life. I've never been to a club, I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't go out at all. The last time I went to the movies on a date I was 15. Its like I'm stuck.

I post here because I know you ladies give real advice and its from experience not just he said or she said. Plus (and not to offend anyone) black women get black more than white women get black women (if that makes sense) I post certain things in some groups that I don't post in other groups simply because I know the response will be different and more catered towards the situation. Like the situation with my fwb. I post here because I feel like its more of an AA advice situation then a Single Mom situation (although its a little of both) Idk. Advice? I admit that I am more book smart than street smart so I need to learn more about the world and stop trusting everything at face value.

 

 

by on Jan. 27, 2013 at 3:38 PM
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Replies (1-10):
MsCryStyle
by Silver Member on Jan. 27, 2013 at 4:25 PM
Well, I'll start by saying that 24 is young. You need to understand that you are going to make mistakes but that's not the end of the world. Like you said, if something happens to your mama you will be shell shocked into reality. Life has a way of forcing you to adapt to things even when you don't want to. Don't wait for a tragedy to force you out on your own. You won't ever know what your really made of until you go find out.... you might just surprise yourself ;)
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Bunsmommy
by Ruby Member on Jan. 27, 2013 at 4:42 PM
2 moms liked this

Start standing up and demanding she give you more responsibility. Walk in one day and ask how much a bill is and offer to pay it. When she's cooking, walk in and say "hey ma, how do you make that? Can I follow you around and watch?" You're going to have to let her know that not only do you want responsibility you're ready for it. 

If you were more stable I'd be all for you jumping out into the world, but I don't think you're ready for that yet. Hell, I came home from undergrad four months before my 23rd birthday I got told real quick what bills I would be paying upon finding a job, along with paying something for rent. You better enjoy this time and use it to save up some money! 

SexyDiva19
by Silver Member on Jan. 27, 2013 at 4:47 PM

 Yea thats what I have this 2nd  job for. I'm trying to save up some money to get a car (right now I drive a big van) I do offer to help pay the bills but she says she's got it. I think what I'm going to have to do is just start paying some of them myself. I go pay the bills anyways but its with her money. I do watch her when she cooks sometimes but she likes to be alone in the kitchen most times except for setting the plates and drinks out.

Quoting Bunsmommy:

Start standing up and demanding she give you more responsibility. Walk in one day and ask how much a bill is and offer to pay it. When she's cooking, walk in and say "hey ma, how do you make that? Can I follow you around and watch?" You're going to have to let her know that not only do you want responsibility you're ready for it. 

If you were more stable I'd be all for you jumping out into the world, but I don't think you're ready for that yet. Hell, I came home from undergrad four months before my 23rd birthday I got told real quick what bills I would be paying upon finding a job, along with paying something for rent. You better enjoy this time and use it to save up some money! 

 

upsanddowns
by on Jan. 27, 2013 at 5:54 PM
1 mom liked this
Ur mother is not the reason u don't feel like a woman. U can go in the kitchen recipe in tow and bang out a simple small meal. The same way u cleared up that momma shit you could have and still can be the one in charge of your child's future. Listen point is u can't cry u wanna be a woman when aint nothing stopping u but you bc in all honesty u enjoy more than not the role she plays. And don't get me wrong i aint got NP with u staying with ur momma only that you trying to blame her bc u aint on it shit and ur conscious fuckin with u. U can do it u just gotta man the fuck up.....good luck
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krisdev67
by on Jan. 27, 2013 at 6:15 PM

 Sometimes being an adult means that we have to step up to the plate and just do it.  IMO in addition to saving to purchase a car you need to be saving for your own place for your and your child.  Part of independence is running your own house knowing that you still have mom to fall back on for advice.  My daughter will be 23 this year, no kids and to be honest if she did SHE would be the one primarily responsible.  She has a damn dog that she treats like a kid and I make HER take care of him.  When she's at work I do let him out of his cage and roam around etc however if she's home and he wants to go out I call her.  Her dog her responsibility.

GoddessNDaRuff
by on Jan. 27, 2013 at 6:16 PM

Get in that kitchen and watch your mother cook so you can learn! Girl be proactive. Now I'm not touching the dishes situation. My grandmother in law will cut you if you try to wash her dishes or sweep and mop her floor. Some people are just like that. But wash you and your son's clothes instead of letting her do it. Start correcting your son when he goes to her instead of you. Assert that YOU are his parent. Go ahead and look for a lil apartment and test the waters out there for youself. If you mom will watch your son, go out with some friends. Hell, I was MADE to go out. 8 years is a long time. Tell your mom you love and appreciate her but you have to use them wings she gave you sometime or another.

SexyDiva19
by Silver Member on Jan. 27, 2013 at 6:20 PM

 That's the thing though I have no desire to go out. I have no reason to. I mean Idk. I've just never been the type to go out like that so I wouldn't know where to go or what to do and the only person I associate with lives like 3 or 4 states away. Thanks for other tips.

I wonder what it is about dishes with some people. My mom will let me sweep the floor :)

Quoting GoddessNDaRuff:

Get in that kitchen and watch your mother cook so you can learn! Girl be proactive. Now I'm not touching the dishes situation. My grandmother in law will cut you if you try to wash her dishes or sweep and mop her floor. Some people are just like that. But wash you and your son's clothes instead of letting her do it. Start correcting your son when he goes to her instead of you. Assert that YOU are his parent. Go ahead and look for a lil apartment and test the waters out there for youself. If you mom will watch your son, go out with some friends. Hell, I was MADE to go out. 8 years is a long time. Tell your mom you love and appreciate her but you have to use them wings she gave you sometime or another.

 

hopealways4019
by Silver Member on Jan. 27, 2013 at 8:40 PM
Is this the reason you messing with that guy at work? You don't know better? I know this is off subject. But eventually you need to make your own way. You can eventually get your own place and man. Not a fwb. You deserve better.
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SexyDiva19
by Silver Member on Jan. 27, 2013 at 8:48 PM

 No. 2 seperate situations that have nothing to do with each other. I'm fwb's with him just because. He has nothing to do with my personal life.

Quoting hopealways4019:

Is this the reason you messing with that guy at work? You don't know better? I know this is off subject. But eventually you need to make your own way. You can eventually get your own place and man. Not a fwb. You deserve better.

 

felicia0387
by on Jan. 28, 2013 at 1:53 AM

Sounds to me like you just need to have a long talk with your mom, if u already havent. I am not the best cook in the world, i just look up recespies and try it! There are always cooking classes to, i learned a lot of my cooking from my baby daddy lol. In the end once you get some money saved you will be able to move out and feel more like a woman, but there is nothing wrong with how you been living. I and my mom arent that close, i moved out when i was 18 and have been on my own ever since. Even when i lived at home i payed some of her and my useless step fathers bills, so be glad that you had at least one paren't that helped. I'm going to be 26 in march and i have always been the one who paid my own way, i wish my family would of been more supportive, but because i chose to date a few black men, and then later fell extremely in love with one and had his children i have been cut out of there lives. Your still young you have plenty of time to live independently, just have more faith in yourself and start standing up to your mama, i am sure she will see where your coming from.

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