I am black and my husband is hispanic. His dad loves me to death, but I've had several problems with his mom. When we first started dating, he told me that his mom had always taught him that black people were cool to be friends with but not cool to date, so you could imagine her reaction when he brought me home to 'Meet the parents', and don't even get me started about when she found out we were getting married. My husband and I have been married for over a year now and he's changed alot since we've gotten married. He used to try to please everyone, but inthe last few months him and his mom have fought alot because he puts me before her. She complained because he defends me when they get in an argument, and because he doesn't run our family decisions through her first. She had the nerve to tell me that I may be his wife, but i've only had him a few years and she's had himsince he was born, blah blah blah like that's suppose to mean something special to me. Alot of the problems I have with her have more to do with the fact that she's upset that for once in his life he's putting another women before her. She's one of those moms who thinks she has to take care of him 24/7, tuck him into bed, take care of him when he gets sick etc. etc. and he doesn't need her to take care of him anymore. Anyways, I've never understood her because I can't understand how another ethnic woman can dislike another ethic woman. She's the only one in her family who calls herself white, and she goes through this big hoo-rah when my husband and his father refer to themselves has hispanic. Her maiden name is Vallejo (Pronounced VA-LAY-HO) for crying out loud!!! She only seems to claim that she's hispanic when it benefits her. Anyways, the one big problem I'm having with her, is that she refers to black people as 'Colored' Not african american, not black, but 'colored' and that really offends me. I don't know if i'm over-rescting but to me she mine as well go ahead and just call us N***A because it's just as offensive as far as I'm concerned. Everytime she says it i feel my skin crawl, and i don't want my 11 month old daughter to pick up on her grandma's bad habits. I don't know how to explain to her to get her to understand how hurtful that word is to me and how I wish she wouldn't use it.
Posted by
on Mar. 24, 2007 at 10:59 PM
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by
on Mar. 25, 2007 at 6:55 AM
Communication is key. From BOTH you and your husband. When he hears her say that he needs to let her know. When YOU hear her say that you need to let her know how you feel. I would suggest having a sit-down with her (just the two of you) and talk, really talk. Let her know (in a very calm way) how you feel. Question for you - what about your mother? What does she think of the situation? Maybe she can speak with her as well, on the pretense of both grandmothers getting together for the welfare of their children and their mutual grandchild...
by
on Mar. 25, 2007 at 9:51 AM
na'll i think its NOTHING . but maybe your tha type its not hard to hurt your feelings. and if she knows that than guess what she gonna keep doing it. SO i would think for you to do is... when ya'll go around her show off with alot of kisses with him to make her sick let her know you not going no where. and he might be her lil man but keep in mind to tha world he's a grown MAN. gurl you got to get funky with it. smile in her face you know people don't like when you use tha smile card on their ass ...
by
on Mar. 25, 2007 at 3:05 PM
Quoting carefreered:
na'll i think its NOTHING . but maybe your tha type its not hard to hurt your feelings. and if she knows that than guess what she gonna keep doing it. SO i would think for you to do is... when ya'll go around her show off with alot of kisses with him to make her sick let her know you not going no where. and he might be her lil man but keep in mind to tha world he's a grown MAN. gurl you got to get funky with it. smile in her face you know people don't like when you use tha smile card on their ass ...
It's not that it's hard to hurt my feelings, it's actually the opposite. Me and my husband don't act different around her because we don't care. But i grew up in Lake Charles, Louisiana, so i was called the "N" word alot to degrade me. Racism is a really big thing where i grew up and everytime i go home to visit it hasn't changed at all, it's still the same old ignorant people, so when i hear the word 'colored' for me it almost feels like it did when i was growing up. I don't tolerate that word in my house from white, black or any other race, because as far as i'm concerned there is no DOUBLE standard. I don't care how you say it the meaning is still the same.
by
on Mar. 25, 2007 at 8:40 PM
Well, well, sista. First of all, your husband is doing the right thing because when he got married, Mama, is no longer first. "Once a man takes wife, he is to forsake all others" AND THAT INCLUDES HIS MOTHER!
Now the "colored" thing, well, my maternal grandmother was half white-half black. Her father was white and her mother was black and up until my grandmother died about 3 years ago, she used the word colored talking about black people. She considered herself "colored" and my grandfather was straight black and you know my mother and her sisters and brother are all black but she would say colored. Honestly, while I think your mother-in-law has some issues with herself. I do think old school people see nothing wrong with the word colored. Also, it only has power to hurt you if you let it.
Now the "colored" thing, well, my maternal grandmother was half white-half black. Her father was white and her mother was black and up until my grandmother died about 3 years ago, she used the word colored talking about black people. She considered herself "colored" and my grandfather was straight black and you know my mother and her sisters and brother are all black but she would say colored. Honestly, while I think your mother-in-law has some issues with herself. I do think old school people see nothing wrong with the word colored. Also, it only has power to hurt you if you let it.
by
on Mar. 26, 2007 at 3:24 PM
In all due respect
You really need to express to your mother-in-law that she is offending you.
If you had said something about hispanic people she would not hesitate to let you know that you are wrong so don't wait it out and call her on it asap!
You definitley don't want your children repeating what she is saying.
My sister-in-law said some crazy stuff to me a couple of weeks ago at her grandson's birthday party.
My mother and her whole family are from Panama and they speak spainish.
My sister-in-law told me to my face that I don't look spanish and if I am why don't I have straight hair and if I am spanish do I consider my self black or something else like a biracial person.
It took every bone In my body not to smack the Sugar Honey Iced Tea out of her in front of everyone. But I looked at her and smiled ohh so brightly and told her that I am black you can see that I am black. And than I leaned across the table to look her dead in the face and told her the next time she said something regarding my family in front of my children that I will not be responsible for what happens afterwards. I told my husband what she said and we left after that.
You really need to express to your mother-in-law that she is offending you.
If you had said something about hispanic people she would not hesitate to let you know that you are wrong so don't wait it out and call her on it asap!
You definitley don't want your children repeating what she is saying.
My sister-in-law said some crazy stuff to me a couple of weeks ago at her grandson's birthday party.
My mother and her whole family are from Panama and they speak spainish.
My sister-in-law told me to my face that I don't look spanish and if I am why don't I have straight hair and if I am spanish do I consider my self black or something else like a biracial person.
It took every bone In my body not to smack the Sugar Honey Iced Tea out of her in front of everyone. But I looked at her and smiled ohh so brightly and told her that I am black you can see that I am black. And than I leaned across the table to look her dead in the face and told her the next time she said something regarding my family in front of my children that I will not be responsible for what happens afterwards. I told my husband what she said and we left after that.
by
on Mar. 26, 2007 at 5:47 PM
Hi,
The mother-in-law thing is difficult. I think most women can relate on some level, because it is rare that a mother thinks anybody is good enough for her son. This of course is magnified when the DIL is of a different race or ethnicity. In my case, my MIL happens to be Jewish. I have to give her credit for putting on a good face and really TRYING, but there is no doubt that she would have preferred her son to have a wife who looked more like her. Many times, things have been said by her that out of respect for my husband's relationship with her, I have had to bite my tongue.
I think I was raised in such a way that you ALWAYS respect your elders, period. For that reason, I would never say anything nasty to her, and I would rather not put my husband in the position of having to choose between the two of us, because it's still his mama, and that would be unfair.
I do agree with one of the previous posters who said it might be helpful to try to have a rational discussion with her, but I firmly believe that after a certain age, people are who they are. Chances are, she's not going to stop calling Black folks colored if that's what she's been doing for 60 plus years.
The most you can do under these circumstances is to keep your distance as much as possible, and limit the time that your children spend with her, or make sure they are supervised by you when around her.
MILs are one of those things in life that we really can't do much about with fracturing family ties, so you just have to try to make the best of it and limit interactions as much as possible.
The mother-in-law thing is difficult. I think most women can relate on some level, because it is rare that a mother thinks anybody is good enough for her son. This of course is magnified when the DIL is of a different race or ethnicity. In my case, my MIL happens to be Jewish. I have to give her credit for putting on a good face and really TRYING, but there is no doubt that she would have preferred her son to have a wife who looked more like her. Many times, things have been said by her that out of respect for my husband's relationship with her, I have had to bite my tongue.
I think I was raised in such a way that you ALWAYS respect your elders, period. For that reason, I would never say anything nasty to her, and I would rather not put my husband in the position of having to choose between the two of us, because it's still his mama, and that would be unfair.
I do agree with one of the previous posters who said it might be helpful to try to have a rational discussion with her, but I firmly believe that after a certain age, people are who they are. Chances are, she's not going to stop calling Black folks colored if that's what she's been doing for 60 plus years.
The most you can do under these circumstances is to keep your distance as much as possible, and limit the time that your children spend with her, or make sure they are supervised by you when around her.
MILs are one of those things in life that we really can't do much about with fracturing family ties, so you just have to try to make the best of it and limit interactions as much as possible.
by
on Mar. 26, 2007 at 6:51 PM
i know how u feel about ur mother-in-law on the fact that mine stole 3,000 dollars from me i don't talk 2 her i don't go 2 any events that she attend like saturday she had a dinner for her brother at his church i didn't go my husband and kids went and i didn't want them 2 go they went cause my husband wanted 2 take them he wanted me 2 go cause he wanted HIS FAMILY to go he knows that i don't like his mom so he don't make me go. i don't want to see her nor talk 2 her because i have a bad attitude and he knows my mouth i was raised u treat people as they treat u and if someone says hurtful things i will say hurtful things back and if i see her i will give her a peace of my mind so 2 avoid all of that i just stay away. my husband says i shouldn't let people take me from who i am but hay i was raise in the projets don't nobody get away with anything, i think that's where i got my bad attitude and foul mouth. my husband is the sweetest thing in the world and he has forgiving his mother but not me until she I SORRY AND I WAS WRONG i have nothing 2 say to her. i know my sitution has nothing 2 do with u i just wanted u 2 know ur not the only one with a not so nice mother-in-laws. and she didn't like me from the beginning didn't none of my husband wives like her (i'm his 3rd) wife she is just a really spoiled old ass lady. she's the only girl out of 3 brothers i told my husband i'm not spoiling no old ass lady.
by
on Mar. 27, 2007 at 12:36 AM
I grew up around a lot of hispanics and basically that is how they are with their children. It doesn't matter if they are grown. She is first. She needs to know everything. I am surprised pops is not trippin. Most hispanics are cool with black people but the true hispanic culture do not believe in mixing things up. It is going to be hard. But that is how it is sometimes. Race is a whole different ballgame altogether. Stand your ground respectfully, despite her disrepect and let her know how it is. If she keeps it up then you have no choice but to distance yourself. We are not always going to find a man whose mom is going to like the person he chooses, regardless if race is an issue. There will always be something else. Here's my situation and to me it is kinda on the same page.
First I am not married but we have been together for almost 8yrs. I grew up right next door to his family. Anyway, when I got pregnant we were living together with my 2 boys and his daughter. When I was about 5 months he got in trouble and went to jail. He told me not to call his daughter's mother because he thought he was going to get out and if he wasn't home by Friday then to go ahead and let her mom come get her. He thought the guy wasn't going to press charges against him when he got in a fight. Well, his mother decided that they didn't like the fact that he left his daughter in my care. So a call was made and the mother started askin questions. I was cool with her and then she found out I had lied to her about him being out of town and all hell broke loose. That was the start. After that it was one thing after another. If I had someone at my house they were asking questions about who it was. Not to me of course. It had got so bad that I had to go over to her house. I was about to lay hands on this woman. But, my mom went over there and told me to go home. Then when I had my son. I heard that they said it was not my man's. You are going to deny your own blood cause you are being ignorant. Oh well. I did not so much as receive a bib from any of his family members. His aunt and her household were the only ones that welcomed me. My baby was there from the time he was 4wks old till around 6 months cause I had to go back to work. Do you know they wouldn't even go to her house to see him. I was done. Then when he came home and was with me and the baby. It was oh how is my grandbaby, my nephew, my cousin. To this day is still hurts. I stopped all association with these people. I wouldn't go over there. I am not fake, so I am not gon smile all up in your face knowing good and dang well I don't like you. My son is 4 now. I have had another child by this man. We are going strong. Despite the fact we not married. But he provides for us. Now what they do is try to belittle me as if I have nothing and everything is his and his decision. I am a lot nicer than before for his sake. But I still can't bring myself to hold a conversation. My point is that whether it is race, or blood it is all tied together to me. She don't like you. She don't like her grandkids. They are a part of you. She denied my son. She denied her own son. But he don't see it that way. He was like how were they supposed to know what was going on. They didn't know I was pregnant when he left. I could care less. We lived together. I seen you my whole pregnancy. The baby was put in your name. It is just hard to get along with in-laws but we do what we have to do. I invite them over to functions NOW. Before the mere sight would just send me into a straight mood.
I guess healing comes with time. Talk to her and like I said if she keeps it up then you are just going to have to distance yourself.
First I am not married but we have been together for almost 8yrs. I grew up right next door to his family. Anyway, when I got pregnant we were living together with my 2 boys and his daughter. When I was about 5 months he got in trouble and went to jail. He told me not to call his daughter's mother because he thought he was going to get out and if he wasn't home by Friday then to go ahead and let her mom come get her. He thought the guy wasn't going to press charges against him when he got in a fight. Well, his mother decided that they didn't like the fact that he left his daughter in my care. So a call was made and the mother started askin questions. I was cool with her and then she found out I had lied to her about him being out of town and all hell broke loose. That was the start. After that it was one thing after another. If I had someone at my house they were asking questions about who it was. Not to me of course. It had got so bad that I had to go over to her house. I was about to lay hands on this woman. But, my mom went over there and told me to go home. Then when I had my son. I heard that they said it was not my man's. You are going to deny your own blood cause you are being ignorant. Oh well. I did not so much as receive a bib from any of his family members. His aunt and her household were the only ones that welcomed me. My baby was there from the time he was 4wks old till around 6 months cause I had to go back to work. Do you know they wouldn't even go to her house to see him. I was done. Then when he came home and was with me and the baby. It was oh how is my grandbaby, my nephew, my cousin. To this day is still hurts. I stopped all association with these people. I wouldn't go over there. I am not fake, so I am not gon smile all up in your face knowing good and dang well I don't like you. My son is 4 now. I have had another child by this man. We are going strong. Despite the fact we not married. But he provides for us. Now what they do is try to belittle me as if I have nothing and everything is his and his decision. I am a lot nicer than before for his sake. But I still can't bring myself to hold a conversation. My point is that whether it is race, or blood it is all tied together to me. She don't like you. She don't like her grandkids. They are a part of you. She denied my son. She denied her own son. But he don't see it that way. He was like how were they supposed to know what was going on. They didn't know I was pregnant when he left. I could care less. We lived together. I seen you my whole pregnancy. The baby was put in your name. It is just hard to get along with in-laws but we do what we have to do. I invite them over to functions NOW. Before the mere sight would just send me into a straight mood.
I guess healing comes with time. Talk to her and like I said if she keeps it up then you are just going to have to distance yourself.
1-9 of 9 replies
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Poor me =(
- SexyCocoaMama
on Mar. 24, 2007 at 10:59 PM