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I wish some women could be more understanding

Posted by on Apr. 1, 2010 at 10:45 AM
  • 29 Replies

I am a part of this group because I am a breastfeeding mom. And I appreciate the helpful tips and support that many of you have provided to me. And that is why I'm still here.

As many of you know, I have/had issues with breastfeeding for both of my boys (didnt breastfeed my first). Both boys had tongue tie issues that weren't caught early, bad bouts of thrush, sleepy/lazy nursers, bad latch...I HAD to return to work 6 weeks after Jack (whom I ended up nursing at home/weekends until he was 11 months old and 8 weeks after Ben (just turned 3 months old) were born, I have a Medela double pump (both times) and I've had supply issues both times. I wonder if I might have hormonal issues linked to this but I dont know for sure. Both boys lost more than 10% of their weight, were noted as failture to thrive... and I had a csection for both. I went to the hospital LC about a half dozen times after being released from the hospital for both, when to the after release weigh LC clinics and even met with an LC in my home.

I have tried every trick in the book to boost my supply except presction drugs...meaning tea, oatmeal, fenugreek, tons of water, tons of pumping, tons of nursing.

That said....I am currently formula feeding during the day while ben is at daycare and im nursing him all times when I'm at home with him (some formula at home after nursing if he is still hungry.

All that said...its very offensive to hear things like "they are just lying and lazy for not trying to breastfeed or for saying they don't have enough milk"...or anything like that...lying, lazy, selfish, not putting baby first, etc. I this is a very small minded way of thinking.

I dont work because I want to...I work to put a roof over our family's head and food on the table and  pay bills. We are not rich...even with 2 full time jobs we are just getting by...its not a mansion we live in by any means.

I would much rather breastfeed than formula feed because 1) obviously its the healthier option 2) its cheaper!

I feel like such a failer because I can't EBF and it makes it worse when woman who should be supporting each other ...say "they're all lazy liars who don't 'try" to breastfeed".

I KNOW there are some who don't try and that is VERY sad! I will always be a breastfeeding advocate.

I just want you to know how hurtful some of your holier than thou attitudes are. Why can't you see that it's one thing to say how disappointed you are that more women don't breastfeed
and if only they could see  how much better is
and how sad that t hey don't even try...
and yes that is annoying when they don't even try.

HOWEVER for you to just say/believe "they are liars" "they are lazy, selfish woman" that is just so hurtful. I just wish you could see that. I am NOT lying...I have TRIED...I have cried because it isnt turning out the way I wanted to EBF for 2+ years. I would love for nothing more than to do that.

Please try to keep that in mind....plese don't accuse all moms who formula feed for being lazy and selfish. It's very hurtful and simply  not true.

~ Mommy to: Madison (6.2.03)
My Angel Baby Alexander (4.26.06)
Jack (6.14.07)
Benjamin Lloyd (1.4.10)


by on Apr. 1, 2010 at 10:45 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Jaxonsmom
by on Apr. 1, 2010 at 10:48 AM

I agree with you.  As long as a baby is fed and healthy it shouldn't matter.

MamaCeleste0722
by Celeste on Apr. 1, 2010 at 11:15 AM

Lots of hugs, Jessica. I think things could be said better. I don't like generalizing moms who don't breastfeed. We have no idea what they went through (like your situation) and what heartbreak they went through. 

First_One_8_18
by on Apr. 1, 2010 at 11:24 AM

I absolutely agree with you. One of the mommas who I have been helping to feed her baby (donor milk) has had the same issues you have had. She works for a pediatrician whose specializes in breastfeeding and tried EVERYTHING to breastfeed her babies- none of which she was sucessful in doing so. I know how hard it can be from going through this with her and giving her my own milk so her baby can at least have breastmilk. You did a WONDERFUL job and don't let anyone else decide how you are supposed to feel in your situation. You should be incredibly proud of yourself that you tried as hard and as long as you did! Most women would surely give up. I know a ton of women who don't even TRY to nurse. You went above and beyond for your baby and it just didn't work out. There's no shame in that. The bottom line is that these women haven't been going through this with you. It's so much easier to sit around and just cut down the women who are trying SO hard to BF than to try to actually support them. I think it's pathetic. 

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JamesAndMe
by on Apr. 1, 2010 at 11:33 AM

I have seen people lie about it.

I have also seen genuine struggle.

And I have also seen women being lied to/misled by health professionals and well-meaning family.

I acknowledge all three situations occur, and so should you.

I am sorry you are having such troubles..  I can relate !  I had to supplement for a while and it made me pretty depressed.  But, I worked through it and it got better and then I felt better.  If it hadn't, I'm sure I would've come to a point where I accepted it.

The thing is?  You --ARE-- still breast feeding.   You've given and are giving your babies the best nutrition on earth and a much lessoned risk of being hospitalised etc.

Being EBF is best, but, being partially breastfed carries with it --A LOT-- of the benefits of breastfeeding alone.  Studies confirm that health benefits are still very much there for partially breastfed babies.  Not quite like EBF, but, still there for sure.

Giving formula can be DEATH to EBF/breast feeding/supply.  But when it is necessary it is necessary and that is that.

Anyway, you didn't just give up or give in, you are still fighting your way through it.  That's what we mean.

Many women would not do that.. because they do not understand that it is important to do that.

And I think you're a good example for those who "could not" breast feed due to low supply.  They could still breast feed, just not exclusively.  I don't see why someone should wean a baby because of low supply.  Why wean them when you can give them both?  Stress?  I suppose, but, I think it'd be less stressful (at least for me) to know they were getting some breast milk..  But I suppose that is just me (and apparently you!  Go you!) ;)

Good luck and don't let harsh words about formula get you down.  It's not because they want to be hurtful, they're just passionate and sad.  Sad sometimes comes out as angry when perhaps it needs to be made more clear that it is in fact sadness. 

teachermama81
by on Apr. 1, 2010 at 11:48 AM

You are doing an amazing job mama!  I understand how you feel...due to some serious misinformation I didn't BF my DS, I had some fairly severe PPD and was told meds are a no no.  It does hurt when women assume that all FF moms are lazy, but I just had to look inside myself and realize I did the best I could with the information I had.

Anyways, HUGS, I feel ya!

gdiamante
by Gina on Apr. 1, 2010 at 1:27 PM

Jess, I want you to do me a favor. The next time you see such a post, hit the report abuse button immediately. That sort of post is NOT what this group exists for. I used to lock them down pretty quickly, but now the CafeMom team has to do it and they will ONLY do it if you Report Abuse.

Calling someone names or saying they're lazy is NOT one of the purposes of this board. ndeed, questioning why some women don't try isn't the purpose either. WE  DON'T CARE. Take those discussions to journals and chatterboxes.


We DO care about helping you in every way possible.

Haylee1113
by on Apr. 1, 2010 at 2:12 PM

If you are refering to an earlier post about this excuse, we were talking about women who assume they have low milk supply (without checking dipes, seeing an LC, ect.) or who just tell people they do as an excuse to quit bfing all together. This was not said about mothers who are continuing to try.

The first rule to breastfeeding is to feed that baby, even if it means supplementing until bfing problems can be fixed.

and i say this as someone who would need to pump and store for 30 days to have enough breastmilk to be away from my son for 1 day.

jeng1980
by on Apr. 1, 2010 at 2:21 PM

Very well said.  I think you need to look within yourself and go over in your mind about how you have done what is best for your baby in all your power.  Sounds like to me you've did a pretty darned good job!  Don't let a few of the people who are saying those things turn you off from this board.  We are here to help.  This is a BFing board so we will do everything in our power to recommend things to help the breastfeeding relationship but I know I totally understand if everything in your power has been done and it's still not working.  The thing is, what you are doing is working for you.  The heck with everyone else.

I tend to have the opposite problem.  People think I'm stupid for BFing my baby and that I should have taken the "easy" way out.  When I had my second who I EBF for 10 months and self weaned at 23 months, my son was 23 months old.  It was hard but I still did it.  I was told many times that I was crazy for even trying that when formula was available and someone else could help me out by feeding the baby.  They can help other ways IMO.  Then when I had my third my middle baby was 3 and she is a high needs child so it was challenging.  Again I was told that I should just not breastfeed so I could have help.  People wanted to babysit my baby for me so I could spend more time with the older kids.  I told them that my children was getting plenty of attention from me.  I told them that I couldn't pump any milk for the baby so I wasn't going to let him go home with anybody.  They told me "Oh a bottle of formula won't hurt".  I said well that's your opinion and no it won't hurt but when I have plenty of milk, I am not going to risk a hurt in my supply just because I think I need to spend more time with my older kids.  They were just as happy as they could be.  I have no clue why they would want to take the baby.  These were members from our church that came over and brought food.  They kept offering through until about 4 months old.  They finally stopped asking and was just shocked as to how secure my children are.  Ya think it has anything to do with the fact that I BF and don't just farm them out all the time.

I have a problem with people who have narrow minds.  They think their way is right and only their way.  Adults should know by the time they are giving parenting advice that there are so many different family situations, different personalities, different opinions on many different levels.  To each their own.  I think if you are doing everything in your power to give your child the best start, then so be it.  Don't let anyone get you down, not even people on this board. 

Next time you see a post like that, you click report abuse.  We don't know about it unless you do that.  As a moderator, we can't do anything about that type of post, however the person that the abuse report goes to can do what they need to about it.

Quoting gdiamante:

Jess, I want you to do me a favor. The next time you see such a post, hit the report abuse button immediately. That sort of post is NOT what this group exists for. I used to lock them down pretty quickly, but now the CafeMom team has to do it and they will ONLY do it if you Report Abuse.

Calling someone names or saying they're lazy is NOT one of the purposes of this board. ndeed, questioning why some women don't try isn't the purpose either. WE  DON'T CARE. Take those discussions to journals and chatterboxes.


We DO care about helping you in every way possible.


Jennifer Gooden-Mom to 3 beautiful children




meladtke
by on Apr. 1, 2010 at 2:26 PM

you can't let what other people say bother you so much. People no matter what topic there is are going to have offensive comments. You are going to deal with that for the rest of your life. You are doing great! Some breatfeeding is better than none!!!!! I didn't nurse my oldest son cause i was young when i had him and he is 16 now and he is fine,  healthy and very smart!!!! I am pro breatfeeding for sure! i nursed my youngest son but i do not look down on anyone who chooses to formula feed.

tabi_cat1023
by Group Admin -Tabitha on Apr. 1, 2010 at 2:27 PM


Quoting millerjess:

I am a part of this group because I am a breastfeeding mom. And I appreciate the helpful tips and support that many of you have provided to me. And that is why I'm still here.Good for you!!  Glad you are here!

As many of you know, I have/had issues with breastfeeding for both of my boys (didnt breastfeed my first).I didn't BF my older 2 very long at all and supplimented lots, I'm with you there! Both boys had tongue tie issues that weren't caught early, bad bouts of thrush, sleepy/lazy nursers, bad latch...I HAD to return to work 6 weeks after Jack (whom I ended up nursing at home/weekends until he was 11 months old and 8 weeks after Ben (just turned 3 months old) were born,went back at 10 weeks after first, 3 weeks after second and 6 weeks after 3rd..totally get it there too! I have a Medela double pump (both times) and I've had supply issues both timessupply issues or pumping issues?  I seriously have had pumping issues with ALL my kids, struggled hard!. I wonder if I might have hormonal issues linked to this but I dont know for surewho knows, what matters is you have tried HARD. Both boys lost more than 10% of their weight, were noted as failture to thrive... wow for just weight?  THATS not suuposed to happen, theres alot more to FTT than weight.  My 3rd and only EBF one was almost considered FTT..that is so scary and stressfuland I had a csection for both. I went to the hospital LC about a half dozen times after being released from the hospital for both, when to the after release weigh LC clinics and even met with an LC in my home.dude you are awesome!

I have tried every trick in the book to boost my supply except presction drugs...meaning tea, oatmeal, fenugreek, tons of water, tons of pumping, tons of nursing.if it won't happen it won't happen, some moms just CAN'T 100% BF...but you gave them some...

That said....I am currently formula feeding during the day while ben is at daycare and im nursing him all times when I'm at home with him (some formula at home after nursing if he is still hungry.BFing is not all or nothing, I am glad you stuck with it.  Now the FFing if he is still hunrgy thing is worrisome because basing feeding extra on how babies at CAN cause major issues, but if you want to do that its up to you..I don't recommend it.

All that said...its very offensive to hear things like "they are just lying and lazy for not trying to breastfeed or for saying they don't have enough milk"...or anything like that...lying, lazy, selfish, not putting baby first, etc. I this is a very small minded way of thinking. it is a small minded way of thinking..and as a former FFIng mom I know it hurt when I heard it.  BUT heres where I see this..it is up to a mom to make their choices for their families, I find it kinda selfish and lazy and other things like that to NOT EVEN TRY, TO MAKE EXCUSES, etc etc...but that is my personal feelings.  Do I call tell moms that?  NOPE...do I think it makes them a BAD mom...NOPE, I just personally feel that no one should feel bad for trying, its the people that DON'T try or the people that use excuses that are an issue.   YOU have not used excuses, you have tried, you continue to try, you push hard to make even SOME BFing work....none of those things have anything to do with you as far as the comments that bother you.

I dont work because I want to...I work to put a roof over our family's head and food on the table and  pay bills. We are not rich...even with 2 full time jobs we are just getting by...its not a mansion we live in by any means.YEP thats why I work too, I get that and I appalud moms that work AND make BFing work, even just a bit of BFing work...its HARD.

I would much rather breastfeed than formula feed because 1) obviously its the healthier option 2) its cheaper!

I feel like such a failer because I can't EBF and it makes it worse when woman who should be supporting each other ...say "they're all lazy liars who don't 'try" to breastfeed".Its better to BF and FF than no BFing at all, you are NOT a failure..your baby is alive and well and heck gets SOME BM...thats better than many moms can say.  When someone says those comments its not meant towards those who don't BF at all...its still not nice but I understand their points, BFing is hard work and many moms will not work to make BFing work, many moms are lied to and feel that they can't BF, and many moms just choose not to BF....you are none of those moms..you are a mom that BFs as much as she can and FFs when she jsut can't..no shame in that at all. I KNOW there are some who don't try and that is VERY sad! I will always be a breastfeeding advocate.

I just want you to know how hurtful some of your holier than thou attitudes are.mostof these moms do not think they are better than FFIng moms, they don't think they are better than BF/FFing moms....its not about holier than thou Why can't you see that it's one thing to say how disappointed you are that more women don't breastfeed
and if only they could see  how much better is
and how sad that t hey don't even try...
and yes that is annoying when they don't even try.

HOWEVER for you to just say/believe "they are liars" "they are lazy, selfish woman" that is just so hurtful. BUT some women are..you are not part of that groupI just wish you could see that. I am NOT lying...I have TRIED...I have cried because it isnt turning out the way I wanted to EBF for 2+ years. I would love for nothing more than to do that.I see that...no one has said those things about you that I know of, and they shouldn't at all...no one should feel guilty for TRYING and having a hard time, trying is the BIG deal

Please try to keep that in mind....plese don't accuse all moms who formula feed for being lazy and selfish. It's very hurtful and simply  not true.you are right its NOT all...the ones that are that way make me very angry but its not all moms that have to use formula.

There is a difference between making the choice to FF and HAVING to FF..BIG difference.


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