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Feeling quilty, please help me if you can.

Posted by on Apr. 1, 2010 at 7:59 PM
  • 9 Replies

Hi fellow mommies!

I'm new to this forum but am so glad I found it. My little one is 26 months now so is on regular milk. But hubby and I will be starting soon to try to have another and I'm trying to learn everything possible beforehand because I was very unsuccessful with my first.

I only wanted to BF him when he was born but was never able to get any milk. I would pump every 45 minutes for 20 minutes at a shot in addition to nursing him and was never able to get out more than 1/2 to 1 ounce of milk ever! But that wasnt every time I pumped or nursed, many times I would sit there forever and not a drop. I was an A cup before (and am again) so I dunno if that had anything to do with it because the morning my milk came in I was so engorged and sore that my milk simply would not come out. Meanwhile Izak (sons name) wanted to guzzle down 4 ounces before satisfied. I reluctantly supplimented with formula because the kid had to eat. Now my husband and I eat all organic, I cloth diaper, and plan on pureeing all my own baby food for the next one because I find most brand name foods to be disgustingly loaded with toxins.

While I would appreciate all advice on how to be successful the second time around and thoughts on what could have been wrong the first time, I also feel just so darn quilty that I ended up formula feeding my 1st and am so concerned that it may pose future health risks or may in some way have contributed to some of the problems he now has ie..developmental, speech and learning delays which we have many therapists working with him. His issues further weigh on my conscience and fill me with guilt and self blame. I have to find a way to be sucessful the second time around and somehow deal with the quilt from my first.


by on Apr. 1, 2010 at 7:59 PM
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gdiamante
by Gina on Apr. 1, 2010 at 8:05 PM


Quoting KRICT5:

I only wanted to BF him when he was born but was never able to get any milk. I would pump every 45 minutes for 20 minutes at a shot in addition to nursing him and was never able to get out more than 1/2 to 1 ounce of milk ever!

That is a normal amount. Someone mislead you. One half to two ounces total BOTH BREASTS is normal. There wasn't a problem there. Reading on....

But that wasnt every time I pumped or nursed, many times I would sit there forever and not a drop.

That's normal. Pump output means NOTHING. Never use it to tell you anything.

I was an A cup before (and am again) so I dunno if that had anything to do with it

Nope.

because the morning my milk came in I was so engorged and sore that my milk simply would not come out.

ALSO normal.

Meanwhile Izak (sons name) wanted to guzzle down 4 ounces before satisfied.

NEVER loook for satisfied. It's an impossible marker. Newborns are demanding divas. Look for DIPE CHANGES. One per day of life in the first week, 6-8 therafter.

Expect baby on the breast about 17 hours a day to start. That's how it works. And yes, you'll want o eat the baby or toss him out the window. The fact that you DON'T do it means you've acheived ideal bonding. (Bonding has NOTHING to do with feeligns of love. It's infant self defense, I tell ya!)

I reluctantly supplimented with formula because the kid had to eat. Now my husband and I eat all organic, I cloth diaper, and plan on pureeing all my own baby food for the next one because I find most brand name foods to be disgustingly loaded with toxins.

While I would appreciate all advice on how to be successful the second time around and thoughts on what could have been wrong the first time,

Perception. That's all. You didn't have good information or anyone telling you that everything was fine and fomrula wasn't needed. NOW...

I also feel just so darn quilty that I ended up formula feeding my 1st

STOP THAT. Guilt is only for murderers. It profits you nothing.

and am so concerned that it may pose future health risks or may in some way have contributed to some of the problems he now has ie..developmental, speech and learning delays which we have many therapists working with him. His issues further weigh on my conscience and fill me with guilt and self blame. I have to find a way to be sucessful the second time around and somehow deal with the quilt from my first.

Did you throw the baby out the window? No? Then nothing to feel guilty about.

There are plenty of breastfed babies who ALSO have health and developmental problems. The genes have FAR more to do with it all than anything else.

We don't allow guilt here. It's an energy waster. Let's expend it on getting you educated instead!


lifetimelove
by on Apr. 1, 2010 at 8:13 PM


Quoting KRICT5:

Hi fellow mommies!

I'm new to this forum but am so glad I found it. My little one is 26 months now so is on regular milk. But hubby and I will be starting soon to try to have another and I'm trying to learn everything possible beforehand because I was very unsuccessful with my first.

I only wanted to BF him when he was born but was never able to get any milk.

How do you know?  Was he getting one wet diaper for each day of life?  They don't get milk right away, they get colostrum until your milk comes in, typically between day 3 and day 5.

I would pump every 45 minutes for 20 minutes at a shot in addition to nursing him and was never able to get out more than 1/2 to 1 ounce of milk ever!

That is a LOT to get right after birth!!!  AFter my son was born I only got 10 ML at the most the first couple days, and I make enough to feed triplets.

But that wasnt every time I pumped or nursed, many times I would sit there forever and not a drop.

Totally normal.  Pump output has no indication WHATSOEVER as to your supply.  Diapers are the only thing that count in the first few days.

I was an A cup before (and am again) so I dunno if that had anything to do with it because the morning my milk came in I was so engorged and sore that my milk simply would not come out.

Cup size doesn't mean anything.  Was he fed with the bottle AT ALL before your milk came in?  The problem was that he probably wasn't expressing it properly due to a bad latch.  Or you had a crappy pump. 

Meanwhile Izak (sons name) wanted to guzzle down 4 ounces before satisfied.

Way too much for a newborn, regardless of feeding method.  Their tummies aren't that big yet.

I reluctantly supplimented with formula because the kid had to eat.

I'm so sorry that you didn't get the proper support to deal with all this.  This is sadly the case in many hospitals.  Hopefully this time we can help you avoid all these problems.  What's past is past, and you shouldn't feel guilty because you didn't have the right information.  When we know better, we do better.  Now you know enough that you'll be able to avoid the same mistakes, despite the bad information you are likely to get from medical professionals.

Now my husband and I eat all organic, I cloth diaper, and plan on pureeing all my own baby food for the next one because I find most brand name foods to be disgustingly loaded with toxins.

Good for you and sadly true.  I'm not a big fan of processed or packaged foods of any sort. 

While I would appreciate all advice on how to be successful the second time around and thoughts on what could have been wrong the first time, I also feel just so darn quilty that I ended up formula feeding my 1st and am so concerned that it may pose future health risks or may in some way have contributed to some of the problems he now has ie..developmental, speech and learning delays which we have many therapists working with him.

There's no use in feeling guilty, you did the best you could with the information you had at the time.  I have a daughter with cerebral palsy and a number of other health concerns, and I sometimes fall into quesitoning myself and my decisions, but I know it's useless, because the past is past and I can only do the best that I can now.

His issues further weigh on my conscience and fill me with guilt and self blame.

Stop.  There's no guarentee that formula had anything to do with the problems.  You have no way of knowing, so stop beating yourself up.  Feel free to go to my group (linked in my siggy) to talk with other moms who are probably going through many similar struggles that you are.

I have to find a way to be sucessful the second time around and somehow deal with the quilt from my first.

You will be successful.  Don't doubt yourself.  You have something very important now that you didn't have last time.  A very valuable support system in the form of this board.


Get the book "So that's what they're for".  It is a MUST read for anyone who wants to be successful at breastfeeding.

Have a child with special needs?  Don't have a diagnosis?  Come join other moms of special needs children without a diagnosis at my group:


www.cafemom.com/group/undiagnosed


 


KRICT5
by on Apr. 1, 2010 at 8:24 PM

Wow!  THANK  you SO much for your very quick and very helpful advice and support!! Even though I didnt have very good info the first time around, I am so thrilled that I found this group to help me with my second.

mjimaging
by Silver Member on Apr. 1, 2010 at 8:25 PM

I can't really add to what the mom's above me said but I can say that I FF my DD and she is very advanced.  As a 4th grader she tests beyond HS so, I wouldn't worry that the formula caused the delays.

hoping4number3
by Bronze Member on Apr. 1, 2010 at 9:14 PM

I know how you feel! I tried SOOO hard with my third baby (my first two were twins, and I was on medications that knocked me out the first 4 days..and reallyi didn't give b'feeding a thought with them) but my third, ,I thought I had read everything, I really tried. BUT obviously didn't know ENOUGH. I ended up supplementing by DAY 1!! :( and quit completely at 6 weeks. This current baby is almost 5 mo old..and we are still b'feeding!! Read everything you can get your hands on, come in this group and read every post you can lol and read the answers hehe. That way you'll know "hey this is normal". I learned. It really is near impossible to not produce enough milk..and it's near impossible to starve your baby :) I also learned...those first weeks..is hell. so plan on it. The baby screams. the baby cries. you aren't happy. the baby isn't happy. it's "not working". hehe. But hang in there...and..before you know it you'll be commenting on a newbies post at how you have been going strong for 5 months :)

Crafty421
by on Apr. 1, 2010 at 10:33 PM

Hmmm....there are so many people in this world that don't have developmental delays that were given formula.  I don't believe that to be the issue.....and really, he will catch up, it's not forever : )  And if it is forever, that's okay!  I think you have to make it okay otherwise he will definitely feel that from you....

I have a great milk supply and can never pump more than a few ounces at a time...it just isn't the same as a child suckling from the breast.  Yes, the child does have to eat, but as long as it's not losing weight, then there shouldn't be a problem...especially if you are becoming engorged, then you have the milk!!!!

Until you have a rythym of some kind with the child, your supply is going to be all wacky.  Breast size has nothing to do with it either.

Nighttiger
by on Apr. 1, 2010 at 11:15 PM


Quoting hoping4number3:

 Read everything you can get your hands on, come in this group and read every post you can lol and read the answers hehe. That way you'll know "hey this is normal". .... I also learned...those first weeks..is hell. so plan on it. The baby screams. the baby cries. you aren't happy. the baby isn't happy. it's "not working". hehe. But hang in there...and..before you know it you'll be commenting on a newbies post at how you have been going strong for 5 months :)

I second this! I found this group right out of the hospital and I'm not sure I would have been able to stick with bf w/out this group!!  Between the baby constantly either crying or nursing those first few weeks, my husband constantly offering to suppliment to give me a break, my LO taking more than 2 weeks to regain his birthweight, and the docs  feeding me bad info, I think I would have given up. However, 17 hours a day nursing gives you a ton of time to surf the web for information and read EVERY post in this group. Even if it doesn't apply to you right now, it might in the future and when it does, you'll know it's normal.  I work 50 hours a week, have to pump 4 times during my workday and once at night to keep up, and do not plan on stopping. We are 3.5 months in and I really want to make it to 2 years. My short term is 6 months though. Keep managable goals and you can do it!!

MamaCeleste0722
by Celeste on Apr. 2, 2010 at 8:46 AM


Quoting KRICT5:

While I would appreciate all advice on how to be successful the second time around and thoughts on what could have been wrong the first time, I also feel just so darn quilty that I ended up formula feeding my 1st and am so concerned that it may pose future health risks or may in some way have contributed to some of the problems he now has ie..developmental, speech and learning delays which we have many therapists working with him. His issues further weigh on my conscience and fill me with guilt and self blame. I have to find a way to be sucessful the second time around and somehow deal with the quilt from my first.


Everyone gave you great advice about breastfeeding. I wanted to address this. PLEASE don't blame yourself for his delays. My twin boys are developmentally delayed. They were breastfed. Their delay is due to their prematurity and one of my boys has a genetic disorder. You did the best you could with the information you had at that time. 






KRICT5
by on Apr. 21, 2010 at 6:11 PM

I am so thankful for everyone's support on this. I know this group will absolutely prove to be a valuable resource. I tak a prego test tomorrow so stay tuned!!

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