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Divorce and bf-- update 8/1

Posted by on Jul. 25, 2011 at 10:37 PM
  • 44 Replies

Ok so dh left me at 34 weeks preg and I have a 3 yr old. Dd is almost 4 weeks old now and she's ebf. I've been letting my ds go to his and his old whores house. (no shit she's 38 and he's 24--he literally came home started a fight with me said he wasn't happy anymore and left my house and move in with her same day)
he's done nothing but harass me since he left.
Anyways he's drove me insane on the visitation with dd. I've told him he's more than welcome to come by and see her anytime. But right now she's on the breast and he can't lactate. He says I need to pump and if I don't the judge will order me to. Says if not I'm just gonna give her formula when she does come. I've been in tears all afternoon bc of this. We had agreed on her doing day visits til at least 6 months old and then doing a transitional period to working up to staying the night. Now that's not good enough. He says it's the same damn milk just given in a bottle. He don't get nipple confusion or anything. He says I'm being selfish and unrealistic. Idk what to do. Now I feel like when she does ever go he's gonna mess her up. I had a ff baby and he was awful... Colicky, belly aching, sick... Etc we spent hours miserale with that lil man watching him suffer... I don't need to have him screwing up dd. I'm fine with pumping and sending bm but not til she is ready to go back and forth between bottle and breast. It's bad enough, I can't imagine sending my newborn to the house he's shacked up with a whore to play mommy to her. Ugh. Yeah, guess I'm selfish. I've begged him to come see her but nope all he cares about is carting her to his new house and new family. It's not about her it's alllll about him and what he wants. Don't even get me started on separation probs with a bf baby. Anyone ever dealt with this?


Update 8/1-

Ok so dd had her 4 week appt Friday.  Shes gained 9 ounces and grown 2 inches btw :)  Anyways, I asked the pedi about the situation.  I explained to him the circumstances.  Of course, I got the oh my I had no idea you were going through this speech.  Then I asked him about visitation recommendations... he asked me he said well do you give her a bottle?  I said of course not.. he said well there is your answer right there.  He said according to the AAP that is what he follows and he recommends breast is best til 6 months.  I also said what about overnight visits bc thats what hes pushing... and he goes well unless he wants to bring her home for you to bf I dont believe thats possible.  I said well hes pushing for the standard with her and shes bf and he said he would give her formula.. he gave me an awful look and said well i guess hes crazy huh?  LOL I said nope he just wants to take her from me at all costs.  He said he noted in the papers that I asked about overnight visits and visitations and he does NOT at all recommend her being away from mom til she is no longer on the breast.  He told me to contact the lactation specialists I been working with and said girl you better call them, they will tell the judge its not a good idea.. he said they are the bf nazis LOL  He said your supply would be in danger if she is away for an extended amount of time like the 2 nights in a row.  He told me to tell them I am NOT comfortable with pumping and introducing her to a bottle and to be like its offensive and tell them you feel like you are being bullied by it.  So.. we shall see what happens. 

by on Jul. 25, 2011 at 10:37 PM
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Replies (1-10):
ashleybgarcia
by on Jul. 25, 2011 at 10:40 PM
You're not being selfish. So what happens if you can't pump enough? What happens if formula makes her sick? Your ex sounds like a total jerk. I think you can probably fight that.
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Blaiden
by on Jul. 25, 2011 at 10:44 PM

Have you tried MAM bottles? My almost 3 week old has been able to go back and forth between breast and mams since she was about a week old. We had to give her formula in the hospital and those nipples gave her nipple confusion, but mams are great :)

joledalynn
by on Jul. 25, 2011 at 10:47 PM
She's not had bottles. Don't plan on it til she needs to go to a childcare place. Which will be months.

Quoting Blaiden:

Have you tried MAM bottles? My almost 3 week old has been able to go back and forth between breast and mams since she was about a week old. We had to give her formula in the hospital and those nipples gave her nipple confusion, but mams are great :)

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mollysmom328
by Stephanie on Jul. 25, 2011 at 11:09 PM

MOST courts will not allow long visitations away from mom before the age of 1.  I would keep it as is (or stop visitaitions for her) and let him go to court about it.

liz.a.powell
by on Jul. 25, 2011 at 11:13 PM

If he tries to drag you to court I would see if there is any way to get him on abandonment. He abandoned you and your DD while you were still pregnant. If he doesn't provide much support I doubt a judge will grant him much. But it varies state to state. 

Don't let him stress you because that can affect your milk supply. 

I wouldn't worry too much about it. Just stay strong for your kiddos. 

collinsmommy0
by on Jul. 25, 2011 at 11:24 PM
I have also heard this & there are special considerations for moms that bf - I actually think that you can have it in the court order that your child will only be fed breastmilk until x date so that your ex cannot feed your child formula!


Quoting mollysmom328:

MOST courts will not allow long visitations away from mom before the age of 1.  I would keep it as is (or stop visitaitions for her) and let him go to court about it.


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Needlesmama
by on Jul. 25, 2011 at 11:29 PM

a judge should take your side on this issue...look into it...good luck mama hope it gets better

tabi_cat1023
by Group Mod - Tabitha on Jul. 25, 2011 at 11:33 PM

Yeah he is WRONG!! Judge will NOT say you have to pump!! For the first year judge will say no overnight and for the first 6 months for sure no time away from mom so that she can not feed.  There are already cases showing presidence.  You can prove nipple preference exists, you can prove pumping lowers supply.  SURE he has the right to bond with his daughter, he can do that in your home.  SURE he has the right to spend time with her but just not away from you for NOW.  Is he giving you any child support? If there a court ordered anything?? If not get everything in writing ASAP.  Protect yourself and your children.  Let him push for visitation, let HIM look unreasonable.  BF babies have rights, and the right to get milk from the breast and NOT be away from mom is one usually looked positively upon by the court, you can get a LC to back you up on this too.

leesha668
by on Jul. 25, 2011 at 11:33 PM
I am currently goin through this except add in the fact that he abused my older ds. So far I've just denied him unsupervised visits and he hasn't seen him since march by his choice. The nice thing is our court clinic is months backed up. I hope things get better for you.
tabi_cat1023
by Group Mod - Tabitha on Jul. 25, 2011 at 11:34 PM

YEP you can have it put in the visitation order, though if he doesnt follow it it could be hard to prove.

Quoting collinsmommy0:

I have also heard this & there are special considerations for moms that bf - I actually think that you can have it in the court order that your child will only be fed breastmilk until x date so that your ex cannot feed your child formula!


Quoting mollysmom328:

MOST courts will not allow long visitations away from mom before the age of 1.  I would keep it as is (or stop visitaitions for her) and let him go to court about it.



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