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Breastfeeding Moms Breastfeeding Moms

Advice for coping with anti-BFing mom

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My mother formula fed, and to give you a sense of her take on breast feeding, when I told her that was my intention she said, "It never occurred to me that you would do such a thing." (as though I'd just told her I'd knocked over a liquor store!)

I had a difficult HG pregnancy, and breast feeding my now 3 month old daughter has been an absolute joy, but mom continues to be anything from passive aggressive ("Oh, you're STILL breast feeding?") to antagonistic ("Don't you think it's time to start solids?" <--- heck no!!!!).

She isn't going to change what we're doing, but dealing with her attitude and comments every conversation is exhausting!! Any advice for shutting this down? I've tried being informative but she ices over or takes everything the wrong way. Maybe I just need encouragement.
by on Mar. 30, 2012 at 10:26 PM
Replies (21-30):
MumsTheWord571
by Gold Member on Mar. 31, 2012 at 1:42 AM

since she is not taking to information tell her- "This is what is best for OUR family. It is not up for debate. WHEN I want your advice I will ask you for it. Until then- this subject is not up for discussion."

It's time to put your foot down.

MonicaV1982
by on Mar. 31, 2012 at 1:55 AM

I know it sounds mean of me, but not only do I clearly vocalize my plan to breastfeed, but I also would have no problem saying "I don't need this, but I might know some people that do," or if I'm especially upset handing it back and saying "I don't need this." I understand that the person is trying to be nice, but if I've made it clear and the person still chooses to go out and spend the money, then I don't really feel all that bad. In fact I would feel disrespected by the mere fact that they brought formula after I specifically said not to.

Quoting Owl_Feather:

my mom was the same with DS and I know she will be the same with this one. I breastfed DS since day one and as much as I told her no, she sent me formula coupons and when visiting bought me formula from the store. I gave it all away. She wasnt encouraging at all. She also gave me a look of disgust when telling her my choice to cloth diaper. She is very "convenient/disposable" oriented which I find ironic since she calls herself "green". I'm happy your mom won't change your decision and sorry she continues being so negative! Hopefully she'll shut her mouth. Especially as one year approaches which is the "magic age to stop breastfeeding cold turkey" according to many people


Owl_Feather
by Silver Member on Mar. 31, 2012 at 2:41 AM


Quoting MonicaV1982:

I know it sounds mean of me, but not only do I clearly vocalize my plan to breastfeed, but I also would have no problem saying "I don't need this, but I might know some people that do," or if I'm especially upset handing it back and saying "I don't need this." I understand that the person is trying to be nice, but if I've made it clear and the person still chooses to go out and spend the money, then I don't really feel all that bad. In fact I would feel disrespected by the mere fact that they brought formula after I specifically said not to.

Quoting Owl_Feather:



I see where you are coming from! Now that I know better, have more education on breastfeeding and all, and a bit more experience with parenting a baby  now that my son is almost 4, if my mom or anyone attempts that again I'd be more "vocal" lol. My mom is a drama queen so I'll gladly add in the "I do appreciate your thinking of me......BUT......."

CafeMom Tickers
niki252
by on Mar. 31, 2012 at 9:25 AM
1 mom liked this

I like telling people that yes it does benefit me as well as my child because every time I bf I am burning calories.  I have lost 70lbs since having my daughter!!!

Quoting feralxat:

Many years ago I was told, sanitize your nipples with rubbing alcohol before you feed. Feeding past 3 months is for your benefit, not the babys. Never lay down when you feed. Nursing a boy is too sexual, formula feed.

I just kept reminding myself, the species survived many a millenia without this BS and I could too.


Gruntlings
by on Mar. 31, 2012 at 9:28 AM

My mother has introduced me to an excellent coping technique: The only ones whose opinions matter are you and your baby's father. Everyone else if they say something positive, enjoy it. If they say something negative just imagine that they're patients in the Alzheimer's ward and that they think that you're actually their great aunt's sister. Ie: Don't absorb it. (Unless they're actually giving you valid information or making you have questions that you can research answers for.)

You know that she's wrong. While it's awesome to have the validation of the people that mean something to you, you won't listen if they tell you that you shouldn't wear a seatbelt because it's ugly. Same thing with breastfeeding. People raised in different times had different information. And some people have a hard time letting go of their own experiences.

MamaDee83
by Bronze Member on Mar. 31, 2012 at 12:24 PM
You guys are too nice, lol! If that was my mom giving me a hard time about breast feeding, and I was resolute to continue, I'd probably tell her to F off and/or that until the baby was weaned, maybe we wouldn't come see her if it bothered her so much. I hope to god I'm not a giant pain in someone's ass when my kids are older and are married...
workingmommy87
by on Mar. 31, 2012 at 12:30 PM

My mom is the same way. (this is also a woman who smoked through her entire pregnancy not even trying to quit) so I feel your pain. With my first daughter, I lived with my mom and she couln't have been any less supportive. I could deal with no support, but her negitivity towards it was awful. She hated to see me do it. once we went out to eat and baby got hungry so I tucked her under my shirt and fed her. My moms response was "OMG! you can't do that here! I don't want to sit across from that. This is so embarrassing!" you would think I was pole dancing the way she carried on. i wasn't even exposed! When I went back to work, I was forced to give her formula because my mother refused to give her breast milk I pumped out. She said it was "just wrong".

I think it may be a generation gap type thing. we've been taught the breast is best. in a generation where car seat sometimes happened, or cribs were painted with lead, the older moms may be stuck in their ways. hang in there. find a friend who is supportive and maybe even tell your mom to back off. you're not 5 years old anymore and you can handle making decions for your own life and child.

CathlinS
by on Mar. 31, 2012 at 12:40 PM
I guess it's the mom factore that makes it so tough - a friendship would've ended with this much negativity! I'd like to keep her in my life but wow does she make it difficult, disagreeing with everything! I think I'm gonna have to woman up and tell her the topic is off limits for her unless she has legit questions.
lorelei10
by Member on Mar. 31, 2012 at 12:55 PM
1 mom liked this

Stay strong girl!! I do know exactly how you feel!!! I had a very difficult HG pregnancy myself and i am nursing but it is causing me so much pain. noone knows the extent of the pain... but idc because this is what i want more than anything. I have 2 people who hate BFing and are assholes about it who are close to me and my husband has been begging me to stop for days now just because its hard for him to see me in so much pain... 


I guess all you really can do is shut out the negativity and tell her to go F herself (figuratively lol I couldnt get the balls to actually say that to my mom even though i really want to sometimes haha). Its hard enough to go through the hell of a pregnancy you went through and then deal with everyones snarky comments about how you raise your child.. you dont need your mom doing it too.... theres enough judgement on cafemom for anyone!!! lolI hope you have a great time BFing your baby and i hope you can do it in peace one day. And you are one hell of a woman to get through HG lol i make a point of that!!!!

louzannalady
by on Mar. 31, 2012 at 1:43 PM
I have just reached a point my "old" age (I'm only 28) that sometimes I need tell people who are constantly negative and antagonistic this- these are MY children, I have done my research and I am responsible for what goes into them and how they turn out as adults- if you have nothing nice to say about what I do, then you need to be quiet or you will not be a welcome part of my life. I have only one relative who pushed it- an aunt- and she is no longer in my Facebook nor do I call her or answer her calls. So far, so good. Everyone else got the hint and are very supportive and ask questions and are becoming impressed with how I am doing as a mom.
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