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Breastfeeding Moms Breastfeeding Moms

how do i convince dh that he has it easy

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He can't feed the baby.
He hasn't changed a diaper.
He hands him to me whenever Corbin gets fussy.
He takes showers without bringing in the carseat and baby.
He doesn't wake up at night with Corbin.

But he's pissed off he didn't get enough sleep.
Because he went to a bar last night.
Poor dh.
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by on Oct. 7, 2012 at 11:46 AM
Replies (41-48):
Titana
by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 6:58 AM
Wow.....I give u credit there cause I wouldn't work on it or him. If he can't be considerate at least then he doesn't deserve u. I'm a sahm too and I do more than he does in a day! He knows it too so I get respect and I give it too. Without one of us it wouldn't work smoothly and we both know it. Ur "butt monkey" needs to realize that and FAST!

Quoting Kimbyann:

I cooked dinner and waited for him to get home from work...and waited.... and waited... 4hrs later he comes in saying he didn't call cause I would be upset.

and I live in the 1930s. I dont have a job to pay bills so its his house and his rules. If I tell him where to sleep I'd be outside. Its happened before.

He's one rude SOB. But I'm working on it.




Quoting Amberleigh81:

Wow. If he were my husband, he would (1) have a frying pan impression in his forehead and (2) be sleeping outside because the couch is too good for him!





What in the HELL is he doing going out to a bar all night when y'all have a two week old baby??? Then complaining??? Awww heeeeellll no!

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Gruntlings
by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 9:14 AM

How to convince him: Inform him that he has a 50% share in the baby and that since you do 100% of the feeding he is required to start chipping in for diaper changes.

I've experienced the "involved" and the "non involved" partner, as well as the "involved but baby prefers me" partner (which was the same partner as the involved partner).

If dad's not helping dad loses the right to complain about lack of sleep. Dad has a long list of options for what to help with. He can help with babycare or housecare or laundrycare. If he helps with baby care he gets to bond with his offspring.

I'd have a talk with him and explain how it makes you feel using "me" words instead of "you" words. ie: "I feel" instead of "you make me feel".

If he's not receptive to listening to your feelings and is not able to either stop complaining about not getting enough sleep following bar-hop night or chip in.. I'd suggest seeing a marriage counselor.

-Sarah
---------------------------------------------------------
Sarah is a mom to three and a moderator in the "Breastfeeding Moms" group. She runs Nurshable.com where she blogs about finding joy in gentle parenting.


emmiesmommie422
by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 12:08 PM

I went through the same thing with my dh with our first, and, while it's not as bad this time around, he's doing it again with our second. The second time around he does say he knows how hard things are for me though. He just still complains. What's really annoying is that because I am staying home with the lo's right now, he thinks I somehow have it easier than going to work. Psh. He gets to come home from work and relax. I haven't had relaxation time in months. When I am at home I AM AT WORK. This is all I ever do: dress kids, play with kids, teach kids, change diapers, cook, clean, cook again, clean again, cook yet again, clean once again, grocery shop with kids, give baths, put them to bed, and breastfeed, breasfeed, breastfeed. Yes, I love it all, but it is a labor of love for sure---and he never does any of that for any reason. I can't wait to go back to work so I can MAYBE get him to change a diaper once and a while. :)

Long story short: With our second, I became very cynical about a father's role in raising children. I'm not resentful all the time, just when I think about it. Generally mothers, even when they work full-time outside of the home, are still expected to come home and do all of this. If you don't, count yourself lucky. If you do, grin and bear it.

littlelambe2
by Bronze Member on Oct. 8, 2012 at 12:20 PM
Lol. That isn't quoted from the old testament :) but this isnt a theology or religion group.


Quoting gdiamante:

Funny you should mention that, Amber... our pastor talked about this at last night's service and had some basic advice.

1. "That was then, this is now." Even Jesus countermanded some Mosaic law in favor of the pragmatism of his times.

2. Jesus commanded two simple things: Love God, and love your neighbor as yourself. Do that and you can forget EVERYTHING else!

3. St Augustine put it even more simply: Love God, and do what you want. Because if you TRULY love GOd, you'll do nothing that pisses him off. Like not loving your neighbor as yourself.

The Ten Commandments are basically loving God and loving your neighbor as yourself. All those 618 rules in the rest of the Old Testament? Outdated as the buggy whip!

Quoting Amberleigh81:

 Also, if you are Christian, the whole "women, obey your husbands" has a REALLY IMPORTANT 2nd part "... and husbands, love your wives as Christ loves the church."



Would your husband DIE for you? Does he put your needs above his? THIS is a Biblical husband. Don't let him lie to you. :(

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littlelambe2
by Bronze Member on Oct. 8, 2012 at 12:23 PM
I agree with waking him up when baby wakes up in the middle of the night. If you can, bring baby to your bed to nurse or change it's diaper and talk a blue streak the entire time, nudging him for answers, so dh can't go back to sleep until baby has. In the morning thanks him for his company and tell him that the night support went really well and you're looking forward to another night of it :)
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gdiamante
by Group Mod - Gina on Oct. 8, 2012 at 1:31 PM
Oh, I knew it wasn't. It was more an overall idea of Scripture applying to the times we live in.
Quoting littlelambe2:

Lol. That isn't quoted from the old testament :) but this isnt a theology or religion group.
Quoting gdiamante:

Funny you should mention that, Amber... our pastor talked about this at last night's service and had some basic advice.

1. "That was then, this is now." Even Jesus countermanded some Mosaic law in favor of the pragmatism of his times.

2. Jesus commanded two simple things: Love God, and love your neighbor as yourself. Do that and you can forget EVERYTHING else!

3. St Augustine put it even more simply: Love God, and do what you want. Because if you TRULY love GOd, you'll do nothing that pisses him off. Like not loving your neighbor as yourself.

The Ten Commandments are basically loving God and loving your neighbor as yourself. All those 618 rules in the rest of the Old Testament? Outdated as the buggy whip!

Quoting Amberleigh81:

 Also, if you are Christian, the whole "women, obey your husbands" has a REALLY IMPORTANT 2nd part "... and husbands, love your wives as Christ loves the church."



Would your husband DIE for you? Does he put your needs above his? THIS is a Biblical husband. Don't let him lie to you. :(


babynurse244
by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 2:18 PM
I saw somewhere you made a comment about "he wasn't like this until I lost my job". That's putting the blame on you. I doubt you lost your job on purpose. He alone is responsible for his behavior. And he sounds like he's living in the 1800's. This is NOT a partnership. If he won't go to counseling, go alone the counselor should be able to help you. This is NOT your fault. He's being an unsupportive ass and looking for excuses as to why he's completely blameless. I agree with the others. If he's not physically abusive, he's emotionally abusive. Do you really think it's going to get any better? You can try to fix a situation by changing another person. The only person you can control is you, and I'd say ge's made it pretty clear he sees YOU as the problem, not himself.
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KnikkaP
by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 7:28 PM

yeah pretty sure DH never got to go to a bar until our son was much older... and he changed EVERY diaper (because I was breastfeeding all day and all night) and he got to sleep at night, because he would take him in the morning and let me sleep (we decided one of us needed to be rested, and it was easier for me to be up at night). The work does fall on mom most of the time, but when dad can't take care of the baby he needs to take care of you. 

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