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**Edit**Touchy subject... OT... But need advice.

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I need some advice on what u would do in my shoes.
Dh and I have 2 kiddos together, ds is 5, dd is 6w. My parents live in CO. I have a horrible relationship w/ my mother and step-dad. So much so, that we don't visit them or anything. They come out here (AZ) sometimes but, we still don't see them that much.
I have a lot of issues with them. My step dad was a horrible father figure. He drank, did drugs, pawned our stuff off and, unfortunately, molested me when I was 7. My mother doesn't know. She knew he did drugs and drank and stole. And she did nothing. She just let me and my 4 younger siblings (they are all his) live through it. I was the oldest and got the worse of it.
Well, my SD never saw my son much, and when he did my grandparents (maternal) had strict instructions to be in the room. But, now that we have a dd, I don't want that man anywhere near her!!

How would u go about telling this to them w/o making it known what happened? I am only asking becuz they are thinking about coming down for Xmas and I'm worried.
It's been 18 years... I'm not gonna dig up old hurt and tell my mom when 1)I'm not sure she would believe me anyway 2) it would just cause issues.

Thank u for all the replies ladies! I thought I would clarify a few things cuz I got asked them a few times.
1) the reason I CANNOT say anything is becuz... My mother has always been very jealous of my relationship w/ my grandparents. I was much closer to them (go figure, she was a bitch) and when I was 16 she told me my grandfather (her dad) molested her when she was a teen. She threatened she would tell everyone what he did to her if I didn't "keep the peace". I have spoken to my dh about what she said and neither of us believe her story. I think it was just a threat or a story becuz my grandpa won't even hurt a fly.., literally! He spanked me once as a child (I totally deserved it too). He has never been anything but gentle and sweet to me or any other child. And if I tell her what my SD did, I am afraid she'll come back and tell everyone that he hurt her. My grandpa is 72. It would probably kill him to be honest and I would never forgive myself. I have 0 relationship w/ my stepdad. He isn't allowed in my house and I don't speak to him.
2) I believe it was jut about me, and not anyone else. Why? Becuz it's still occurring. I recieved a random comment last year on FB from "my mom" that read.. "You hold post a pic of all the weight U've lost so we can see how fine u r looking". I KNOW my SD posted that, and unfortunately so does my little brother. I used to get random messages on MySpace and FB from bogus accounts that would tell me how sexy I was or blah blah blah and he would always say something to give away it was him.

My mom has been very supportive of me. If I needed anything during this pregnancy she was there and gave It to me or whatever. I hate to just cut her off. But, u all have made valid points. She wasn't a good mom. She broke my heart a long time ago and it can't be repaired. I wish I could tell her, but it will have to wait until my grandpa passes on his own time. Then I can let the cat out. Just wanted ideas on how to hold off until then. (Which I'm praying is many many more years).
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by on Oct. 13, 2012 at 1:07 AM
Replies (11-20):
ruby_jewel_04
by Member on Oct. 13, 2012 at 2:42 AM
1 mom liked this

Then she isn't worth having around you or your kids either! I'm sorry for whta you went through, but I have personal experiance with this. This is EXACTLY the things I have seen my best friend live through. If your mother wont believe you, then she's not much of a mom. You can be pissed at me for saying so, or report me, or whatever you want to do. But seriously? Your mom should be your friend, confidante, and stick up for you and protect you. No matter HOW old you are. THAT is what mothers are for. In your situation I'd disown my step father, AND mother. Because taking the risk of having your babies hurt is too much. How would you feel if you continued to let her come around, and she brings him anyway? Then he molests your children? Is it REALLY worth it? Really? 

Quoting eykelley:

I wish I could. But, telling her would make things so much worse. I have tried, I tried hundreds of times. But even little things like him stealing my purse she wouldn't believe. She would blame it on my brother or call me a drama queen. It never got better. I want my mother to know her grandkids, I just don't want him near them.


Quoting Dimples04:





Quoting ruby_jewel_04:

Personally I can't believe you didn't tell your mother. I wouldn't let him anywhere near my kids. Ever. You need to tell her.


lifetimelove
by Platinum Member on Oct. 13, 2012 at 3:09 AM

How old was your brother when this happened?

Quoting pinkiebabii:

My brother molested my male cousin at age 2 and I was okay with him and my mom for years until my son was born. My brother but him but every time he saw him or held him (NEVER alone) I wanted to throw up so I told my mom that my brother was not allowed to be around my son at all!
Well fast forward a month or two and my mom is pushing on me to let my brother see the baby each time I ignored her. Well SO has terminal brain cancer and my mom was hosting a fundraiser at her bar, where SO worked, and when we showed up, my brother was there (he is 17, and it was after midnight at a bar, and he isn't allowed around me or my son) so the next day my mom and SO got into a fight about it and my mom fired her and I do not talk to my mom at all now.

Me telling my mom the truth, has ruined our relationship, the relationship between her and her grandson, and the relationship between her and the rest of my family.
My son was born the day before Easter and I told her how I felt a few days after mothers day. In between that time I saw my brother several times and he held my son three times, one of which he kissed him. I almost threw up! I cried every time my brother saw him once I got home and I had nightmares constantly, that he molested my son. I wish I had sated something during pregnancy and had not gone through that!!
If you don't say anything, you will regret it!!! I do every single second of every day regret that disgusting piece of shit met my son!!



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eykelley
by Bronze Member on Oct. 13, 2012 at 3:18 AM
No. It's not worth it. But, she never really sees them either. I try to keep a semi-decent relationship w/ her for my kids' sake but, I am not close to her personally. She hasn't seen my ds, who is 5, since he was 3! My SD hasn't seen my ds since he was 2 and again, my grandparents were always around.
I wanted to tell her for a long time but, I've given up. I forgave him, just don't trust him. It was too much energy hating him, but I won't ever forget it.
I don't want a good or great or even any relationship w/ my mom. I just hate to not let my kids know her. My mom won't give me the name of my bio-dad and has his him from me my whole life, if hate to feel like I'm doing the same to them. :( it's just hard to know what I need to do.


Quoting ruby_jewel_04:

Then she isn't worth having around you or your kids either! I'm sorry for whta you went through, but I have personal experiance with this. This is EXACTLY the things I have seen my best friend live through. If your mother wont believe you, then she's not much of a mom. You can be pissed at me for saying so, or report me, or whatever you want to do. But seriously? Your mom should be your friend, confidante, and stick up for you and protect you. No matter HOW old you are. THAT is what mothers are for. In your situation I'd disown my step father, AND mother. Because taking the risk of having your babies hurt is too much. How would you feel if you continued to let her come around, and she brings him anyway? Then he molests your children? Is it REALLY worth it? Really? 


Quoting eykelley:

I wish I could. But, telling her would make things so much worse. I have tried, I tried hundreds of times. But even little things like him stealing my purse she wouldn't believe. She would blame it on my brother or call me a drama queen. It never got better. I want my mother to know her grandkids, I just don't want him near them.





Quoting Dimples04:







Quoting ruby_jewel_04:

Personally I can't believe you didn't tell your mother. I wouldn't let him anywhere near my kids. Ever. You need to tell her.




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justone_jen
by Jen on Oct. 13, 2012 at 3:25 AM
3 moms liked this
I'd tell her for the sake of any children he may sexually abuse in the future. He wouldn't be allowed near my children. If she decides he's more important, then I'd draw a line in the sand, alongside a, "Fuck you."

I'm sorry for what you've been through. No one should have to live that.
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aehanrahan
by Group Mod - Amy on Oct. 13, 2012 at 3:27 AM
2 moms liked this
I'm my opinion, it would be better for the kids to not have someone like that in their lives at all.
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justone_jen
by Jen on Oct. 13, 2012 at 4:06 AM
4 moms liked this
Your mom's denial is invalidating your experience, which is toxic to one's "recovery" from abuse. I've cut plenty of people out of my life for minimizing what I've been through, or denying my experience. I can honestly say I have no regrets about it. In my opinion, one of the most damning things about abuse, and especially child abuse, are those who turn a blind eye. As a child, you look to your mother for protection. When that protection is void, an entirely new set of emotions rolls in; an entirely new battle for recovery.

You are your children's protector. You strive to be what your mother was not. There is no shame in keeping them from a monster. Your step father made a decision to abuse you. If he can't understand the repercussions of said abuse, that's his problem, not yours.

Frankly, fuck their feelings. The obligation you have to keep your children safe is ten million times more important than their misguided anger.
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eykelley
by Bronze Member on Oct. 13, 2012 at 4:44 AM
So wat do I do for Xmas? It would be my whole family attending (aunt, her bf & ds, my grandparents, my brother, my 3 sisters, my mom and SD). My kids LOVE my grandparents and my aunt and cousin. And I don't wanna cute their uncle (my bro) and aunts (my sisters) out of their lives. But cutting my mom and SD would do that. :(


Quoting justone_jen:

Your mom's denial is invalidating your experience, which is toxic to one's "recovery" from abuse. I've cut plenty of people out of my life for minimizing what I've been through, or denying my experience. I can honestly say I have no regrets about it. In my opinion, one of the most damning things about abuse, and especially child abuse, are those who turn a blind eye. As a child, you look to your mother for protection. When that protection is void, an entirely new set of emotions rolls in; an entirely new battle for recovery.



You are your children's protector. You strive to be what your mother was not. There is no shame in keeping them from a monster. Your step father made a decision to abuse you. If he can't understand the repercussions of said abuse, that's his problem, not yours.



Frankly, fuck their feelings. The obligation you have to keep your children safe is ten million times more important than their misguided anger.

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jolou
by on Oct. 13, 2012 at 5:28 AM

I would just say to your Mom, that you are not comfortable with your children spending any time with your SD, because of the way he treated you when you were children (no need to go into details). I'd follow it up by saying that she is welcome to see them, and you will happily attend family events, however will not be seeing him, or just the two of them (her only is ok) separately.

I would still attend stuff like Christmas - I just would not allow your children out of your sight unless they were with someone you trust completely (dh, or your siblings if you trust them etc).

But, I've never been in a situation even similar to yours, so it's hard to look at subjectively.

Quoting eykelley:

So wat do I do for Xmas? It would be my whole family attending (aunt, her bf & ds, my grandparents, my brother, my 3 sisters, my mom and SD). My kids LOVE my grandparents and my aunt and cousin. And I don't wanna cute their uncle (my bro) and aunts (my sisters) out of their lives. But cutting my mom and SD would do that. :(


Quoting justone_jen:

Your mom's denial is invalidating your experience, which is toxic to one's "recovery" from abuse. I've cut plenty of people out of my life for minimizing what I've been through, or denying my experience. I can honestly say I have no regrets about it. In my opinion, one of the most damning things about abuse, and especially child abuse, are those who turn a blind eye. As a child, you look to your mother for protection. When that protection is void, an entirely new set of emotions rolls in; an entirely new battle for recovery.



You are your children's protector. You strive to be what your mother was not. There is no shame in keeping them from a monster. Your step father made a decision to abuse you. If he can't understand the repercussions of said abuse, that's his problem, not yours.



Frankly, fuck their feelings. The obligation you have to keep your children safe is ten million times more important than their misguided anger.


You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.


- Dr Suess

eykelley
by Bronze Member on Oct. 13, 2012 at 9:07 AM
I appreciate ur comment. And it gives me hope to be honest. I trust my little brother (who's 21) with my life. So, yes him I trust. He is biological ally my SD's child and even he can't stand him. He doesn't exactly know what happened to me, but he knows my SD treated me horribly and he wants very little to do w/ him either. It's been a tough road. I'm praying they don't come out for Xmas. I would be perfectly ok w/ that. I just don't want to handle them.
My mom asks all the time when we're gonna come visit and I don't have the heart to tell her never. Just wont do it. It won't end well.


Quoting jolou:

I would just say to your Mom, that you are not comfortable with your children spending any time with your SD, because of the way he treated you when you were children (no need to go into details). I'd follow it up by saying that she is welcome to see them, and you will happily attend family events, however will not be seeing him, or just the two of them (her only is ok) separately.

I would still attend stuff like Christmas - I just would not allow your children out of your sight unless they were with someone you trust completely (dh, or your siblings if you trust them etc).

But, I've never been in a situation even similar to yours, so it's hard to look at subjectively.


Quoting eykelley:

So wat do I do for Xmas? It would be my whole family attending (aunt, her bf & ds, my grandparents, my brother, my 3 sisters, my mom and SD). My kids LOVE my grandparents and my aunt and cousin. And I don't wanna cute their uncle (my bro) and aunts (my sisters) out of their lives. But cutting my mom and SD would do that. :(





Quoting justone_jen:

Your mom's denial is invalidating your experience, which is toxic to one's "recovery" from abuse. I've cut plenty of people out of my life for minimizing what I've been through, or denying my experience. I can honestly say I have no regrets about it. In my opinion, one of the most damning things about abuse, and especially child abuse, are those who turn a blind eye. As a child, you look to your mother for protection. When that protection is void, an entirely new set of emotions rolls in; an entirely new battle for recovery.





You are your children's protector. You strive to be what your mother was not. There is no shame in keeping them from a monster. Your step father made a decision to abuse you. If he can't understand the repercussions of said abuse, that's his problem, not yours.





Frankly, fuck their feelings. The obligation you have to keep your children safe is ten million times more important than their misguided anger.




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audmom1218
by Silver Member on Oct. 13, 2012 at 9:24 AM
She either believes you and comes alone or doesn't believe you and doesn't get to see her grandbabies. But I would tell her. I would also strongly suggest counseling for everyone! Al-anon has been great for a friend of mine, and her mother who lived with a verbally abusive alcoholic. At 33 years old shes discovering how much hate and resentment has been effecting her.


Quoting eykelley:

I wish I could. But, telling her would make things so much worse. I have tried, I tried hundreds of times. But even little things like him stealing my purse she wouldn't believe. She would blame it on my brother or call me a drama queen. It never got better. I want my mother to know her grandkids, I just don't want him near them.




Quoting Dimples04:







Quoting ruby_jewel_04:

Personally I can't believe you didn't tell your mother. I wouldn't let him anywhere near my kids. Ever. You need to tell her.


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