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**Edit**Touchy subject... OT... But need advice.

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I need some advice on what u would do in my shoes.
Dh and I have 2 kiddos together, ds is 5, dd is 6w. My parents live in CO. I have a horrible relationship w/ my mother and step-dad. So much so, that we don't visit them or anything. They come out here (AZ) sometimes but, we still don't see them that much.
I have a lot of issues with them. My step dad was a horrible father figure. He drank, did drugs, pawned our stuff off and, unfortunately, molested me when I was 7. My mother doesn't know. She knew he did drugs and drank and stole. And she did nothing. She just let me and my 4 younger siblings (they are all his) live through it. I was the oldest and got the worse of it.
Well, my SD never saw my son much, and when he did my grandparents (maternal) had strict instructions to be in the room. But, now that we have a dd, I don't want that man anywhere near her!!

How would u go about telling this to them w/o making it known what happened? I am only asking becuz they are thinking about coming down for Xmas and I'm worried.
It's been 18 years... I'm not gonna dig up old hurt and tell my mom when 1)I'm not sure she would believe me anyway 2) it would just cause issues.

Thank u for all the replies ladies! I thought I would clarify a few things cuz I got asked them a few times.
1) the reason I CANNOT say anything is becuz... My mother has always been very jealous of my relationship w/ my grandparents. I was much closer to them (go figure, she was a bitch) and when I was 16 she told me my grandfather (her dad) molested her when she was a teen. She threatened she would tell everyone what he did to her if I didn't "keep the peace". I have spoken to my dh about what she said and neither of us believe her story. I think it was just a threat or a story becuz my grandpa won't even hurt a fly.., literally! He spanked me once as a child (I totally deserved it too). He has never been anything but gentle and sweet to me or any other child. And if I tell her what my SD did, I am afraid she'll come back and tell everyone that he hurt her. My grandpa is 72. It would probably kill him to be honest and I would never forgive myself. I have 0 relationship w/ my stepdad. He isn't allowed in my house and I don't speak to him.
2) I believe it was jut about me, and not anyone else. Why? Becuz it's still occurring. I recieved a random comment last year on FB from "my mom" that read.. "You hold post a pic of all the weight U've lost so we can see how fine u r looking". I KNOW my SD posted that, and unfortunately so does my little brother. I used to get random messages on MySpace and FB from bogus accounts that would tell me how sexy I was or blah blah blah and he would always say something to give away it was him.

My mom has been very supportive of me. If I needed anything during this pregnancy she was there and gave It to me or whatever. I hate to just cut her off. But, u all have made valid points. She wasn't a good mom. She broke my heart a long time ago and it can't be repaired. I wish I could tell her, but it will have to wait until my grandpa passes on his own time. Then I can let the cat out. Just wanted ideas on how to hold off until then. (Which I'm praying is many many more years).
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by on Oct. 13, 2012 at 1:07 AM
Replies (21-30):
Cleo07
by Bronze Member on Oct. 13, 2012 at 9:54 AM
Why would you allow someone like that in your children's life? She isn't going to change.

I would recommend you listen to Dr Laura. She has great advice about this topic. Or read the book Bad Childhood Good Life.
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RadnRem
by on Oct. 13, 2012 at 10:25 AM
1 mom liked this
I agree that you should tell her.
For 1....she may not fully believe you, your siblings may not fully believe you....but I bet they will at least have that thought, that little inkling, in the back of their heads. And that may be enough to help any other children he may come in to contact with. That

Two....imo, it its not only the act of molestation that you need to protect your children. Its whatever sick thoughts your SD may have towards them.

Three....I don't want this to sound too harsh, but its an injustice to yourself for you to allow him to be any part of your/your childrens life. Kind of like, by not fully acknowledging, you aren't making him accountable for the terrible things he has done.

Four...you protecting your children by not allowing your SD......and then possibly your mom, by her own choosing...around them, that is far, far different from your mother keeping your bio dad from you. That is a selfish decision on her part. If you choose to tell your mom, to protect your kids....that is a very selfless act on your part.


And last of all...they are all assholes if they disown you for voicing the truth. And then....good riddance.
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summer_daisey
by on Oct. 13, 2012 at 10:45 AM
Ok, I have been in similar situations and struggled with it. I decided that if I allow my children around those kinds of people and something happens I'm the one to blame. I have family that refuse to talk to me because of it. I caused major issues. I know how hard it is to deal with it I'm not going to put my kids through it. Hurt feelings are better than hurt children. You know how fast something can happen don't chance it. You aren't keeping your kids from their Grandma you are protecting them from a monster! He should be in prison! Tell your Mom she's welcome but he stays away! Sorry or what you went through and I know how tough this decision is. Good luck.
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babynurse244
by on Oct. 13, 2012 at 11:03 AM
Abuse can happen in an instant, even with you in the room. We don't see my IL's anymore because of the way they treated my kids and myself. If we said anything to them, we were told GP's and IL's have special rights and privileges that other people don't and they can say and do things that other people can't. My MIL was physically abusive to me, and I'm an adult. Things like asking to feel the baby move when I was pregnant, and then driving her fingers into my abdomen up to the second nuckle. The rest of the family didn't want to believe it, threatened me, minimized their behavior as "excitement" and tried to bully m$e into tolerating it. No. She dropped my 4 day old daughter on a table and walked off proclaiming her "the most boring child I've ever seen, all it does is sleep." She shook her (we're talking shaken baby shook) at 6 months because she didn't open her mouth on command and show MIL her first tooth. The rest of the family stated that "as long as there is no permanent damage, what do you care?" I care because as their mother it is my job to keep therm safe. There was no need for them to treat any one of us the way they did. I finally refused to be in the same room as them, refused to take my kids. They haven't seen me or my childrem in over 3 years. They won't again. I can't trust them.
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justone_jen
by Jen on Oct. 13, 2012 at 11:20 AM
I'd make separate arrangements to see them. I don't think you have to cut everyone out if you cut your mom and step dad out.

Quoting eykelley:

So wat do I do for Xmas? It would be my whole family attending (aunt, her bf & ds, my grandparents, my brother, my 3 sisters, my mom and SD). My kids LOVE my grandparents and my aunt and cousin. And I don't wanna cute their uncle (my bro) and aunts (my sisters) out of their lives. But cutting my mom and SD would do that. :(




Quoting justone_jen:

Your mom's denial is invalidating your experience, which is toxic to one's "recovery" from abuse. I've cut plenty of people out of my life for minimizing what I've been through, or denying my experience. I can honestly say I have no regrets about it. In my opinion, one of the most damning things about abuse, and especially child abuse, are those who turn a blind eye. As a child, you look to your mother for protection. When that protection is void, an entirely new set of emotions rolls in; an entirely new battle for recovery.





You are your children's protector. You strive to be what your mother was not. There is no shame in keeping them from a monster. Your step father made a decision to abuse you. If he can't understand the repercussions of said abuse, that's his problem, not yours.





Frankly, fuck their feelings. The obligation you have to keep your children safe is ten million times more important than their misguided anger.

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fahmom
by on Oct. 13, 2012 at 11:40 AM
Honestly I would tell. If not your mom then just your grandparents. Otherwise I would not let that man in sight of my kids nor me.

After my dad died I found out some disturbing things about my grandfather (paternal). He molested my dad and his brother and sisters and several cousins and what's worse is my grandma caught him in the act of doing it. Yet no one has ever said anything. I knew we weren't allowed at my grandparents very often and only under strict supervision but I never knew why. This man sits on the board of a church founded by his family but doesn't even attend services there. I don't care who they are they are not a part of my or my children's lives. Better safe than sorry.

I was molested as a child as well not by a family member though. I don't let anyone watch my son besides my immediate family (my mom and MIL) but even then it is a rare occasion. People may give us a hard time about it but I don't care. I still go to the church nursery with my son. My SIL was molested by the pastor of a church. It is like America's dirty little secret. I don't think people are aware just how much it happens in our society.
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Precious333
by Group Mod-Julia on Oct. 13, 2012 at 11:42 AM
1 mom liked this

I would not let him near my children ever either! Sorry if feelinsg get hurt, protecting your child is much more important. So sorry you are in this situation.

Precious333
by Group Mod-Julia on Oct. 13, 2012 at 11:45 AM


Quoting fahmom:

Honestly I would tell. If not your mom then just your grandparents. Otherwise I would not let that man in sight of my kids nor me.

After my dad died I found out some disturbing things about my grandfather (paternal). He molested my dad and his brother and sisters and several cousins and what's worse is my grandma caught him in the act of doing it. Yet no one has ever said anything. I knew we weren't allowed at my grandparents very often and only under strict supervision but I never knew why. This man sits on the board of a church founded by his family but doesn't even attend services there. I don't care who they are they are not a part of my or my children's lives. Better safe than sorry.

I was molested as a child as well not by a family member though. I don't let anyone watch my son besides my immediate family (my mom and MIL) but even then it is a rare occasion. People may give us a hard time about it but I don't care. I still go to the church nursery with my son. My SIL was molested by the pastor of a church. It is like America's dirty little secret. I don't think people are aware just how much it happens in our society.


so sarry :( I was surpirsed ot hear from many friend, including my bestfriend, that it happened to them. I would have thought my bestfriend would have said something when we were younger, I think it was so traumatic that she burried it!

juliakf333. Get yours at bighugelabs.com
spitfire06
by Bronze Member on Oct. 13, 2012 at 11:48 AM
I think a counselor could give u better advice ...you could be open about it and get the can of worms out of the way...I would or I would un invite them..
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tnovak
by Member on Oct. 13, 2012 at 12:22 PM


Quoting ruby_jewel_04:

Personally I can't believe you didn't tell your mother. I wouldn't let him anywhere near my kids. Ever. You need to tell her.

agree!  I would not allow him in the same room or house.

Theresa
         busy mom


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